Ten years ago I had just turned 40. Phil had booked a trip to New York, my favourite city, to celebrate. We were due to fly out on 20th September.

11th September 2001 was a beautiful early autumn day in Helsby. I was home from work as a local handyman was replacing spindles on our staircase. Suddenly I got a phone call from Phil telling me to switch on the news as a plane had just flown into the Twin Towers. At that time we assumed it was a terrible accident. I put on the news and .....well, we all know the rest.

I have been back to the city twice since then. It is still one of my favourite places on earth. I don't know why but I have always felt very much at home there.

My thoughts and prayers are with the people of NYC and with Americans everywhere on this ten year anniversary. God bless you all. From my heart.

SPIDERS
I just remembered what I hate about autumn. It's the way the HUGE spiders come in looking for mates. I wish they wouldn't. We have had two enormous ones in the kitchen this evening alone.

It's now a year since my lovely mother in law June passed away. Already she has missed so much. And we miss her every day.

I miss our long chats and all her support.

Kate is off to university in Aberystwyth soon. Another big change that I'm not at all ready for! Last weekend we talk her round IKEA buying stuff for her new life. That was so weird! I am really excited as she is getting to experience something neither her dad nor I did - going away to uni as we both stayed at home whilst studying. But I am really going to miss her.
My new job is still crazy and still stressful. On the plus side I'm really enjoying riding again after a bit of a break for summer holidays etc.

We have a wedding coming up that I'm really looking forward to as the couple are a lot of fun and real personalities. I'll still be nervous of course.

So summer such as it was is officially over and already the nights are drawing in. I quite like this time of year ......

I turn to my blog after a long absence to ask myself why I have I once more allowed myself to be used and dropped by a so-called "friend?"

It's funny but when I look back over my life I have been hurt far more effectively by women than by men. Yes, a man broke my heart once. But in a straightforward sort of way. There was none of the ambiguity and cruelty I've experienced from some women "friends". And one in particular.

A friend can hurt you so badly - they know your weak spots. They know exactly how to manipulate you for the greatest effect.

I am very lucky,I have some amazingly wonderful friends. And I'm very grateful to them. I hope i can be as good a friend to them as they are to me.

It is really time for me to lick my wounds for the last time and tell one particular person to go to hell - sadly I won't have the chance to do it to her face!

And just one more thing - to the mutual "friend" who dropped both Phil and myself at a time when we needed friends and kindness a lot - it's one thing to hurt me but another thing altogether to hurt my husband when his mum was dying - you can go to hell too!

Sorry about that - rant over.

This has been a very unusual Easter - for a start, the amazing weather!!! Good Friday was probably my favourite day - got up early, went for a run, did a bit of gardening and baking then basically lazed!

It was also unusual as Phil worked 2 twelve hour day shifts, one on Friday and one on the Sunday and it was strange for us all to be home relaxing without him.Our new garden furniture has had plenty of use though, and we had a bbq on Monday for Phil's dad.

On the Saturday we met up with a bride whose wedding we are photographing at the end of June. We are very excited because the reception is to be at the Grosvenor Hotel in Chester - a VERY posh location right in the very heart of Chester. AS London bus is also involved - that should really be something to see! It's a little challenging to be photographing a bridal couple in Chester's very busy main street on a Saturday afternoon but hopefully we will get some great shots!

I took an extra day off today and went shopping in Liverpool with the girls; we had a great time although my debit card is now worn out and begging me not to touch it for the forseeable future!

Due to my work pattern I'm actually only working one day this week, then it's another long weekend which coincides nicely with our wedding anniversary on Saturday and Phil's birthday on Monday.

I'm looking forward to watching some of the wedding on Friday - can't wait to see Miss Middleton's dress! Despite all the weddings I've been involved in, I still get a HUGE thrill seeing the bride in all her finery. I'm sure Kate will look stunning!

We are enjoying some beautiful weather for April and for once it has coincided with a holiday weekend - well, a holiday for some, poor Phil is working 12 hour shifts on both Good Friday and Easter Sunday!

I have to admit, I spent a big chunk of Friday sat in the garden reading and enjoying the sunshine. Although I did get up early and go for a run first!

Running is a fairly new activity for me; I took it up about two months ago after chatting to a friend who had started running using an NHS programme of podcasts called "Couch 2 5K" - at that point she was on week 7 and running for about 20 minutes, which really impressed me! For some reason, I've always wanted to run but never managed to get anywhere - I'd run for 15 minutes and it would nearly kill me and I'd give up! i also wanted to get fitter for riding.

So off I went with the podcasts on my MP3 player and Laura as my in the ear mentor. On the first week you begin with a brisk 5-minute walk, then alternate 60 seconds of running and 90 seconds of walking, for a total of 20 minutes. Over the weeks you gradually build up to running for 30 minutes (and/or 5K) The first week was hard! But I felt a big sense of achievement and I kept going. Tomorrow I start week nine and I'm already running for 30 minutes although I'm not quite up to 5k distance yet. There wasn't one run I didn't complete!

I have found I really love running. I have a certain amount of tendon pain in my left ankle (the one I sprained!)but my stamina has increased hugely - it's only the discomfort that limits me now.

I'm planning on continuing to run 3 times a week, hopefully building up speed and distance and i'm also walking 2 miles in my lunch break 4 times a week.

The wedding season is approaching and we're meeting up with our couples. I must watch the royal wedding to get me in the mood!

Happy Easter everyone!

Mum - Edwina Rose

Mum in Law - June

This is the first Mother's Day that I have no one to send a card to. My wonderful Mum died over 20 years ago and my lovely Mum in law just a few months ago in September. I miss them both every day but know I am lucky to have had two such exceptional women to love me and look after me.

So, no cards or flowers or hugs, but a poem - an annoymous poem I found on the Internet  that says what I want to say today to both my mothers.....

Sometimes I catch myself
Thinking, "When I phone,
I can talk of this or that!"
Then remember, I'm alone.

She was always there
To answer my calls -
To listen to my "small talk"
Or when I climbed the walls.

At times, I didn't feel like talking
And somehow, she understood -
Didn't say she wished I'd call
Or make me feel like I should.

Now, I wish I would have
More times, to show I cared -
To say, just how important
Were all those times we shared.

I could have shown my love
So much more than I did -
I never did it enough
Even when I was a kid.

Now it's too late to do or say
All those things I wish I had -
No way to ease the pain inside
When my heart is sad.

She was my "anchor" to this life -
The "rock", that I clung to -
The placewhere I could turn
When nowhere else would do.
Now, the ravages of time
Have worn my "rock" away -
And all I have to cling to
Are memories of yesterday.

Jay Bradbury of  "The Jaywalkers"

It has been almost two months since my last post - I am so busy these days and have so little computer time that blogging is one of the things I've had to more or less give up. As is commenting on blogs although I do still keep up with quite a few - usually reading them just before I drag myself off to bed!

The photo above is one I took recently at a gig for a local band, The Jaywalkers. Jay, the singer pictured here is one of Kate's friends and an extremely talented young lady with a stunning voice.

It's the second lot of band photos we've done recently as we also did a publicity session for Treuddyn Tested, another local group - you can see some of our pics on their website.

We are gearing up for a cluster of weddings in early summer and next weekend I am photographing an prizegiving for a poetry competition.

I really want to start blogging regularily again.Working full-time is taking it's toll though, especially the two 12 hour days  every week and soon it could get worse as I might be working alternate Saturdays again.I miss my part-time hours SO MUCH!! I find myself homesick these days as I'm so seldom actually in my house! Anyway, I'm going to catch up on the last few months and hope I can blog more often...

Work is very busy and huge changes are on the horizon as libraries are merging with another department and we will be restructuring. We are very lucky as Wirral is not closing libraries as so many councils are and I still have a job but it is clear that things are going to be very different in the future and I am feeling quite anxious. I don't know what my new role will entail, or how my work patterns will change. I am hoping I will still be able to do my volunteer work at RDA.

Sian had her French exchange student, M to stay - the visit started off badly as poor M was sick but we all loved her and felt very sad when she had to go home.

We have booked a holiday in Florida - we couldn't decide where to go that would please everyone and not cost the earth and suddenly it occurred to me that Florida might fit the bill. We would all like to see Harry Potter World and revisit Seaworld and some of the other parks as well as  Kennedy Space Centre. After another hard winter preceded by a fairly dismal summer we are all longing for warmth and sunshine. We have booked baseball tickets, we can shop and Sian and I can go trail riding. We have a villa/car/flights package that is reasonable and we all can't wait. It will probably be our last big family vacation.

I am still riding and slowly improving; absolutely loving it too.I have also taken up running, much to my surprise, using a plan from the NHS called "Couch to 5K" and it's great, I'm just about to start Week 6 and yesterday I ran for 20 minutes for the first time ever!" I get such a buzz from running! The only question is if my joints can stand it!

Am I nuts, taking up running and riding in the year I am due to turn 50????

We have a new mattress. A new bed shop opened in Helsby this year and that prompted us to take the plunge and hopefully get a better night's sleep. It arrived today and I've just made up the bed with my favourite bedlinen - doesn't it look inviting? It has a layer of memory foam on it which feels pretty blissful. I nearly nodded off in the shop.

The weather is awful: I was hoping to do some work in the garden but it's just not possible. I did move a broken pot (victim of the icy weather - RIP my lovely pot-pond!) using the broken pieces as decoration in the borders. It's nice to see a few bulbs coming up and signs of life in some parts of the garden but in general the view is fairly depressing.

I am going to make a real effort to take more photos for pleasure - I'm basically only using the camera for work right now and that's a shame.

It is a long time since my last blog post. December has been a busy month. Amongst other things, we had a wedding plus another photographic commission. The weeks have just flown by.

So, to my surprise I find myself already in 2011.

And looking back on 2010. What a year.

It will always be the year we lost Phil's mum. My mother in law, June. We really felt her absence this Christmas. We made a pretty good attempt at enjoying ourselves and most of the time we succeeded. It was a lovely Christmas and festive season in general but sadly Christmases will not be the same without June. We must cherish those still with us for who knows what lies ahead!

2010 was also the year I realised my job situation was shaky and that the future of libraries seemed very bleak. I go into 2011 very aware that huge changes are ahead and I'm hoping I can weather them. I lost a dear colleague to cancer and saw other friends struggle with all sorts of challenges and sorrows, wishing I could help.

On the positive side, we photographed six weddings and our clients were all very happy with our work. I started riding lessons again and learned to crochet. We had two lovely holidays in Scotland and Yorkshire. I found out I did not have diabetes! My sister in law is recovering well after serious illness.

So...bring on 2011.

Taking a gamble...

I'm really not the gambling type but I have just bet a year's salary that I'll still have a job in a year's time. Every single member of the council which employs me (with the exception of teaching staff) have been offered either voluntary severance or early voluntary retirement. If I was over 55 I'd get the chance of a lump sum plus my pension. As I'm only 49 I would just get a redundancy payment based on my length of service (27 years!) This amounts to about a year's salary (but tax free).

The gamble is that as the library service up and down the country is being decimated, I might find myself made redundant anyway in a year's time, on much less favourable terms.

If other jobs were available I might have considered going. But there is so little in the way of work around here. And my pension is at least 6 years away still. We also have two children to put through university.

So I'm staying put and hoping I'm making thr right decision. I'm also hoping to keep the photography business going and if possible build it up so if the worst happens, I have something to fall back on.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried about this decision, though.

Part 2 - the Metropolitan Cathedral of Christ the King.
This is the Catholic cathedral, so different but just as beautiful in its own unique way.

A beautiful coloured glass panel through which you glimpse the cathedral and also some reflected clouds.

The sun shining through the panel throws this light on the steps.

Sian and her camera.

The light in the cathedral filters through these wonderful mosaic panels.

The magnificent altar.

 

More panels of colour.

A place for prayer

 More colour..

Shadows...

A last look back..

A tale of two cathedrals - Part 1
The Anglican Cathedral in Liverpool

Phil, Sian and I visited the two cathedrals in Liverpool which stand either end of Hope Street for an afternoon taking photos.

Phil has started a blog! Please drop by and say "hello" - ne needs encouraging!

Landscape & Light Blogspot

We have just returned from a wonderful week in the Yorkshire Dales. we stayed in a little village called Conistone. The photo above, taken by Phil, is a panoramic view of the area around Conistone. According to Wikipedia,

Conistone is a small village (population 117 in the 2001 census) in North Yorkshire, England. It lies 3 miles north of Grassington, beside the River Wharfe, in Upper Wharfedale.

The village is set in characteristic limestone scenery, including Mossdale Caverns, the dry gorge of Conistone Dib and the limestone outcrop of Conistone Pie. Above the Dib a Dalesway path connects Kettlewell, to its north, and Grassington, to its south, providing distant views over the Wharfedale. From the B6160 road, the Wharfe is crossed at Conistone by a stone-arch bridge, which is within easy walking distance of Kilnsey, with its Crag.

Our cottage was lovely, old and cosy with the most luxurious bathroom and extremely well-equipped kitchen. We especially enjoyed the novelty of lighting a log fire each evening. I adore Yorkshire. It is a very spacious county and you really feel you have room to breathe. I was awestruck by the magnificent scenery at every turn in the road.

We love the Lake District but I am starting to find it too crowded and too commercial. Every town and village is becoming a tourist trap, I like to visit places where there are still village stores and local amenities, instead of wall to wall gift/outdoor shops and cafes.

This was the holiday we were meant to share with my mum in law, June, so it had a certain poignancy to it. But we had Phil's dad with us, although not Kate for the first few days, who was staying behind for a party.

As we entered Skipton I was electrified by the sight of some orange sheep in a field. No one else saw them and I was skitted at the entire holiday...but I found THIS on Google and THIS on Youtube.

On the Saturday we went to Ripon and admired the beautiful cathedral and then stopped off at Fountains Abbey for a walk around the gardens. We were told that the Abbey was to be floodlit that evening so we decided to do a supermarket shop back in Ripon and then return to see the Abbey lit up. It was wonderfully atmospheric and we all had loads of fun taking photos. The night was clear and there was a full moon - very impressive! (see Phil's pic below!)

The following day we visited the falls at Aysgarth followed by Bolton Castle which was a lot of fun, even if the lady selling tickets did not at first believe that Sian was under 18! We picked Kate up from Lancaster Station that evening.

Monday was a bright and sunny day so we headed off to the amazing Malham Cove. We think Phil's dad thought we were trying to finish him off with the climb to the top but it was well worth it. After lunch we walked to another waterfall called Janet's Foss. Janet was apparently queen of the fairies...hmm, not sure about THAT fact!

Sian and I managed to go on a great ride each over the fells, although not together as I'm not up to her standard. The riding centre was in the village which meant we often heard the sound of hooves clopping past.

We also managed trips to North Allerton, Bolton Abbey (fab scones in the tea shop there!!) and Brimham Rocks and a place called Stump Caverns which was a bit boring, to be honest and not worth the entrance fee!

The weather was pretty good for October with some gorgeous sunny days and I'm already longing to go back there. We had such a lovely time being together and escaping from worries and cares for a time. Although as always it was nice to come home and see the cats again.

Reflections in a Rolls Royce

It's been a while since my last blog post and I have been really busy. We photographed another wedding and had those photos to edit, plus we've had a week-long literary festival at work and I've been working lots of extra hours photographing events for that. This afternoon Everton are playing Liverpool and Phil & Kate are out, Sian is in France on an exchange trip and I'm "home alone" which is actually quite nice as I'm able to do a bit of catching up.

So much is going on I don't know where to begin. For starters, every council employee received a letter last week offering us the opportunity to apply for voluntary severance and/or voluntary early retirement (if over 55).There was also the hint that if not enough jobs were shed this way, compulsory redundancies could be next in line. I'm not eligible for my pension yet so I'm not applying to go. We have no idea yet how many staff will be allowed to go or what our department will look like after this process is over. And when you add the cuts in public spending that are to be announced next week into the mix alongside the reccomendations of the inquiry into public sector pensions - it all adds up to a lot of uncertainty.

Then Phil arrived home last week with the news that Lloyds are intending to shed loads of IT jobs - I literally just put my head in my hands in despair!

It's ironic that we could both end up claiming benefits at the exact time that this government are cutting the benefit system to the bone!

University fees are set to rise just as our daughters approach the age when they'll be applying to go to Uni.

Well, I'm sure my worries about possible job losses are shared by millions of people up and down the country. I know I'm not unique.

I'm missing June so much. I keep having these vivid dreams where I go to her house and she's there. When she sees my astonished face she says "It was all a mistake, I didn't die!" i wake up and for a few moments I'm happy, then reality hits again.

In losing June I feel I've lost one of the few remaining people who really thought I was all right. For so much of the time I feel I'm failing at everything, but June would tell me I was doing a good job. I miss that reassurance at a time when i feel everything is slipping away.

I know I have good friends I can talk to but I'm afraid of starting in case the floodgates open and EVERYTHING comes pouring out, not just the grief for June but all the fears and anxieties that are tormenting me. No one needs to have all that dumped on them especially as I know my friends have their own worries and concerns to deal with. Hence this post, so I can at least get things off my chest a bit...send them into Cyberspace.

I recently had a night out with friends and although it was lovely to see them i felt very separate from them, as if I was behind a sheet of perspex. I don't feel part of the group any more - nothing to do with them,they are the same wonderful group of people they always have been, it's just me. I don't know why I feel like this. I'm lonely but at the same time I can't seem to bring myself to interact with people.

Well, so as not to be ALL doom & gloom I'll write about some positives - riding is going well and I had my first canter in 20 years the other week - wow, I absolutely loved it! RDA has restarted and I'm still loving that.

Our two latest weddings are completed although both couples want albums which is more work (albeit enjoyable!). They are both very happy with our services which is always wonderful to hear. We have some bookings for next year too. Phew...

We are going on holiday soon to Yorkshire. Fears of creepy crawlies aside, I'm looking forward to a change of scene and hopefully some riding!

Right, off to do some gardening. I do feel a mite better for this cyber-dumping. Isn't self pity a vile emotion?

Disco Phil...my hero.

Well, the funeral is over and life is returning to normal. A new sort of normal, without June. I think it is slowly dawning on me that she has gone. I can't really fully take it in yet.

I haven't really cried since it happened. I've had moments when my eyes have filled with tears but I've not had a real cleansing crying session. It would be better than the horrible vague ache in my heart that seems to be colouring everything a delicate grey.

Three days after June died we photographed a wedding. I'm still not sure quite how we managed it! But you know, you can't let people down on their wedding day. We did have a good friend/great photographer come along with us on the day in case Phil needed a "moment". But he didn't - he was great. I was so proud of him that day....

I am so tired and have so much I need to do. Today was my "day off" and it started early with getting a wash on, and a casserole in the slow cooker. Then a couple of hours of photo editing, then off for my riding lesson and an afternoon of RDA volunteering. Then back home and more editing...supper and MORE editing...but it's now FINISHED!

The garden is overgrown and ripe tomatoes are rotting on the ground because I haven't had time to pick them! We have another wedding this Saturday and then a bit of a break before the next one - and I'm hoping to get caught up on a few chores eventually.

My "to-do" list is evergrowing and i'm not crossing anything off. I think I'd like a holiday at home, on my own. I would potter and work through my list....My lovely family could go somewhere and have fun without me and when they got back I'd be caught up, serene and happy to have them back with me!

It'll never happen but it's nice to dream!

For June, my wonderful mother in law...


"June always said I was her favourite daughter in law – and it’s a title I’m honoured have held despite the fact that I was her ONLY daughter in law so there was never any actual competition!

I first met her more than 20 years ago when I started going out with Phil. Right away I was impressed by her energy and enthusiasm and how she seemed to have so many interests and activities – I think painting and taking piano lessons were just two of the things she was doing at that time. She always relished a challenge – whether it was learning to drive, making a wedding dress for Janice or conquering the mysteries of the computer.

We got on right from the start and I soon learned that this was one of her gifts – she interacted so well with all sorts of people. Time passed and I married Phil, and I remember my own mum telling me at the time that I was lucky, I’d acquired wonderful parents in law along with my new husband. My mum was right in that as in so many other things!

June was not the sort of person who was always saying “I love you” and giving you lots of hugs and kisses. June’s love was shown in so many different ways – some big, some small, but they all added up and made her family & friends feel valued and cherished.

When my own parents died some years ago, June and Phil were right there by my side, quietly helping and supporting me through those difficult days. And I have thought of them as my “other” mum and dad ever since.

June’s love and care gradually extended to encompass not only a growing collection of grandchildren but also the family pets – dogs, cats, guinea pigs, even hamsters – all were looked after and spoiled in her own inimitable way. And they loved her right back – our dog Charlie never wanted to return home after a stay in Whitewell Drive being waited on hand & paw and served tea & toast for breakfast!

As for the grandchildren –well, June and Phil always went way beyond the call of duty with them! They were allowed to dress up in the contents of June’s wardrobes and put on shows, and when they were ill they were nursed better in cosy duvet “nests” on the sofa in front of the fire along with generous doses of Lucozade. Christmas was always such a fun time, with carefully chosen gifts and Nanny’s special “chocolate tree”. June taught Sian how to draw and paint and advised her on her art homework. She was encouraging, not critical.

I have so many great memories of June – hours spent pottering in the garden centre at Carr Lane, sniffing the scented candles and having coffee on the afternoons that Everton played at home. Shopping trips when she’d say “go on, buy it, you deserve it!” if I admired something. Her legendary cooking – the pick and mix lunches, the apple pies that everybody fought over, magic fizzy jelly made with lemonade, the “cow pie” produced especially for grandson Phil, the picnics she provided that were always so much better than anyone else’s. Holidays and days out and afternoon teas all made more fun just because she was there.

June was always so beautiful and so immaculately turned out – stylishly dressed and made up and one of the very few people I know who could wear top-to toe white out of doors and not get immediately covered in dirt and stains.

She didn’t go in for complaining or regrets. Although she told me recently she felt both annoyed and cheated by the fact that she wouldn’t get to see the final two Harry Potter films after following the series so devotedly.

June taught me so much over the years and one of the last things was that sometimes great courage can be shown just by putting on some lipstick and a smile for your visitors.

Thank you, June, for being my friend, for loving me and supporting me like a daughter and never being that stereotypical interfering mother in law.

And thank you Hilary, Janice and Phil for sharing your lovely mum with me and so generously."

This was the tribute I read out in church at June's funeral yesterday. I could have spoken for much longer..
I really don't know how I will manage without her.

Three generations - June, grandaughter Sian and great-grand-daughter Evie.