Friday, April 14, 2006
I've had a funny few days. First off, I got word that my uncle had died. He was my mum's brother in law and the last of my parents generation. Now they are all gone. I hadn't seen him in several years but it feels like the end of an era. I guess I'm getting old!
This holiday week has gone well; we've been to the zoo, seen Ice Age 2, visited my oldest school friend and her family and gone swimming. Next Tuesday I've promised both girls they can have friends for a sleepover. For the holiday weekend we're supposed to have P's parents over tomorrow and hopefull G & P on Monday. Today we drove out to Alderley Edge for a walk and this evening P and I went up Helsby Hill for sunset. The cross is set up there and I took a couple of pictures.
Emotionally I've been a bit all over the place. My doctors appointment on Wednesday was painful and awful BUT I feel I've got to let go of my anger and resentment towards P; i love him a lot and i need to just get over it. Seeing my schoolfriend with her "younger than mine" children evoked very mixed feelings - envy as they are still so young and their lives revolve around her and relief that mine are well beyond the toddler stage and no longer so demanding and clingy. Sad that the days of play-doh and dollies are behind us; happy that we can enjoy the same music and talk about interesting stuff. Being a parent...such a mixture of joy and confusion and guilt and pain.
Two of my favourite TV shows have featured my "worst nightmare" disease and I've been very "twitchy" and feeling the familar panics. Having those thoughts like "what if it's really happening this time?". The fear is briefly paralising but I can't let it overwhelm me. Can't go down that road again. I just can't.
Added to that is another bout of insecurity; I can't understand how I go bob along feeling normal (ish) and ok then suddenly there it is; the "nobody likes me" flash of self-pity. Have talked to my friend J about this and she sometimes feels the same - I never imagined she would as she seems so serene in her relationships. I think underneath we're all a lot more alike than we could ever imagine. I'm not after reasurance; it doesn't work anyway; these feelings come from inside and I'm the only one who can make them go away. I'm striving after that "I am who I am and if you don't like me you can fuck off" attitude!
I am worried about work. I'm getting pressed to work an extra day a week in order to do baby bounce and rhyme sessions and a bibliotherapy group. I may or may not be able to get paid for this; I may just have to take it as time in lieu which I don't often get to take anyway. My job-share partner doesn't have children and I feel she thinks I should be more accomodating and flexible than I am. Also I'm the only member of my staff who doesn't live locally - I live 45 minutes drive away which means if I come in for an hour long meeting I'm travelling longer than I'm working. Although the girls are older now it doesn't mean they don't still need me! I went job-share so i could be home for them after school three nights a week. In a few years time they'd probably rather I WASN'T there but while they still want me I want to be around for them. P works such long and unpredictable hours so it's not like I can ask him to be there instead of me. I want to be good at my job but I also want to be a mother. I feel as if right now the two roles are fighting each other - maybe I'm irrational in feeling I should be able to do both well. I go to courses on my days off, I attend meetings from time to time on my days off but this will be a regular extra day so i can no longer think of Tuesdays as a non-work day. I'm sure once I get into the swing of it I'll adjust but right now I'm feeling lousy about it. If I don't do it I will be seen as unambitious, uncommitted and lacking in enthusiasm.
When I was in my twenties I thought that when I passed forty I'd have all the answers but here I am 20-odd years later and still full of questions.