Tuesday, October 10, 2006

The best thing about long walks in the dark is that no-one can see you are crying. My dear friend K in Canada is in hospital AGAIN. I am so worried for her and I miss her so much. There is so much I need to tell her and get her advice on but I can't. Please, God, make her well!

Monday, October 09, 2006

I haven't posted in a few days. My emotions are all over the place. First, I saw the doctor about my physical problems. It was humiliating and unpleasant but she was kind, and it seems I have IBS. I am on a high-fibre diet and some medication (called Spasmodol - the name of which for some reason cracks me up!)

i am still pretty much in my black zone although i'm managing to function ok. Sometimes I feel great; really happy and then wham, I'm shaking inside. I think that's part of where my IBS comes from as fear and anxiety go straight to my stomach. It is driving me mad because everything is pretty much ok in my life. I have friends facing terrible problems but I'm just trying to get through each perfectly normal day when instead I want to stay in bed.

I feel safe in bed. I also feel safe in the house and weirdly, in my car. I don't feel safe at work and in fact am often terrified of going there; but when I'm actually there it's not too bad.

I wish i could make sense of all this.

Sunday, October 01, 2006

I am really frightened. I don't feel at all well. I really don't want to see the doctor.

I feel also as if a massive black cloud has swooped down on me and I can't see my way out. i want to run away but it's all around me.

I'm scared.

We finally have a new computer. The old one just kept crashing and crashing repeatedly - on Tuesday i came home from work and it carshed 10 times as i was trying to download some email. So we bought a new one. It arrived on Friday and P has it up and running. It's wonderful.

So I might be actually able to post in my blog a bit more often these days.

I am still feeling off colour but I can't face going to the doctor in case he decides he needs to "investigate" LOL. I just know inside I'm not functioning right, I'm in a lot of pain and I'm tired all the time.

P is really, really miserable at work and I feel so sorry for him but i can't help. it is hard to live with someone who is so stressed and angry so much of the tiume. Every morning starts the same way - he wakes up and says "God, i had a terrible night...I'm so tired." He isn't sleeping but won't see the doctor about it. We're a terrible pair, I know.

I am feeling very insecure again. How the hell does one get self-confidence?? Or self-esteem? Why am i always such a bloody needy chick? I'm 45 for Gods sake - when do i become mature?

I just read a funny book called "Confessions of a failed grown-up" by Stephanie Calman. At least i know I'm not the only person in the world who still feels they have a mental age of around 13.

Today I popped to the supermarket for a chicken and spent £60 on groceries. I should go back to internet ordering. I also managed to wander off for several aisles with somebody else's trolley.

S is doing quite well at high school - she got her first merit the other day. She's making new friends too which is good! K wasn't happy on Thursday. When getting changed for PE she noticed her PE shirt was damp. She sniffed it...cat pee! She had to wear it and pretend she didn't know where the horrid smell was coming from. Tiggy strikes again LOL