Thursday, September 20, 2007

It's 17 years this month since my mum died. She died very suddenly, on a Friday afternoon. I was at work and got a phone call from my dad, saying mum had collapsed on the landing and "he thought she was dead!". I flew out of work and into my car, driving well over the speed limit to make the short drive to their house.All I could think of was that I knew CPR and dad didn't and that I could save her. God must have been watching over me on my journey as I was unforgiveably reckless in my attempts to get there "in time."

When I arrived at the house the paramedics were working on mum.All I could see were her bare feet sticking out from the hem of her nighty. They told me I had to be a brave girl for my dad...and I knew, although it wasn't until we got to hospital that we were told she was dead.

That night I thought I would die of grief. Physically I hurt so badly. If it hadn't been for P holding onto me all night I think my own heart would have burst too. I changed libraries soon after that as I could no longer bear 3 pm on Friday afternoons in that particular place - especially if the phone rang.

Of course, time has passed and I survived; I think of mum with joy and laughter and gratitude. But I still miss her and I still need her and that has never eased. I am sure I'd be a better person if she were here and there are many mistakes I would not have made if I'd been able to talk to her about things.

So this post is for Mum - I love you, Mum.

12 comments:

artisbliss said...

Dear, dear Jules, what an awful and traumatic experience. I can't imagine. My own mother has had two brushes with cancer and that was certainly bad enough. Makes me want to hug everyone I care about and make sure they know I love them. Blessings and peace to you today.

RUTH said...

Julie you are one of the nicest people in blogworld and the fact you survived through this anguish shows the strength and courage you have. Sending you the biggest of {{HUGS}}
Rx

JAM said...

My mother is a cancer survivor, but my dad died suddenly like that.

The last words I had spoken to him were, "I love you."

I remember him with joy too, but I sure miss him. As my daughters would continue to grow and would say silly things, I would want to tell him. Telling Mom was great, but it always hurt a little that he wasn't around for me to tell him too.

God bless you and keep you on this day.

AB said...

Your strength, love and courage shine through in all you do - your mum is, I'm sure, watching over you bursting with pride.

{{{HUGS}}} and much love.
xoxo

JoAnn - NL "My digital eyes" :) said...

Hi Cj,
I think know what you feel , I lost my dad too (4 years ago now, that still hurts)but not on such a young age as you, its good to think of her and keep her into your memories, she's still in your heart, she won't go away as long as you keep her into your heart,

I think on your mum, with you NOW this moment:)

Akelamalu said...

Your post brought a lump to my throat, a heavy weight in my chest and tears to my eyes. It brought back the memory of being with my Mum when she died. Have a hug honey. x

picperfic said...

the grief of losing your Mum, especially so young, must be immense! I miss my Dad so much, I ache to see my Dad again and talk to him and tell him I am ok. I feel for you J, but so glad you can remember the happy times xxxx

Anonymous said...

Hi Julie - I was really moved by your story of your mum. I had a strange experience today. My parents are on holiday at the moment and I went round, just to make sure everything was okay with their house. I was standing looking out of the window of what used to be my bedroom, and I was suddenly overcome with a feeling of panic and immense sadness, that one day, I'll only be able to at the house from the outside, because my mum and dad won't be here anymore and it'll be someone else's home. It really upset me. I wish we lived closer. Hope to see you really soon xxx CH

CG said...

Thanks for your lovely comments, everyone. Mum have been so interested in all of you - she loved getting to know people and didn't know any strangers! You are all really special {{HUGS}}

JoAnn - NL "My digital eyes" :) said...

Hi Julie,

Thanks for your comments:)
I posted a cows B&W collage today:)
Have a great weekend !
JoAnn :)

Gledwood said...

grief is the worst thing, but they do say time is the great healer...

mrsnesbitt said...

I too had a lump in my throat as I read this. I too lost my mum, 13 years ago September 7th. She died in her sleep.

I also miss my mum and find the memories and thoughts of her keep me going. They are a comfort.

Sending you (((((HUGS)))))