Sunday, October 21, 2007



In Monterey...an appealing place to shop!

This weekend seemed to go by very fast. Phil came home on Friday night and it was great to see him! Then Sian got a tummy bug early on Saturday morning - she was sick over and over! I realised Phil's parents wouldn't want to visit us in the circumstances! So Phil and Kate went off to watch Everton play and Sian and I stayed home - she resting, me doing housework! It was a beautiful day, too!

All too soon it was Sunday and Phil set off for the second week on his commision; to the estate in Lancashire. Tomorrow the girls and I are going for a flying visit to the Lake District. I'm hoping for nice weather!

I have been thinking a lot about self esteem and why I don't seem to have much of it! My first response when someone treats me badly is to apologise; and then apologise again.And again... And then I spend hours, days, sometimes even weeks worrying about what I did that was so wrong to make them treat me like that. Even when it is pointed out to me that I did nothing wrong; I still ALWAYS blame myself. I think if I was a better person, they wouldn't treat me like that.

I know in many respects this is a very egocentric way of thinking as not everything is about me!! People around me have "off" days or bad moods that are in no way connected with me and yet I always assume it's me. I need to get over that. I think I'd also be a happier person if I wasn't always trying to please everyone around me and make them happy with me 100% of the time.

I tried once to be the perfect friend; every day I tried harder and yet still I failed and in quite spectacular fashion. I am not sure if I will ever be able to forgive myself or put that behind me. I was talking to the Wildcat the other day and I mentioned how I'd wanted to be "the perfect friend". There is no such thing as a perfect friend (said she).

I wish I could gain and hold onto a sense of my own worth and not just see myself reflected in the opinion of other people.

9 comments:

artisbliss said...

Dear, dear Jules. I wish you wouldn't worry about being the perfect friend. You're such a sweet person with so much talent and kindness in your personality. It really does shine through, even from a distance. You are a bright spot in my life, for sure.

Akelamalu said...

You need to learn to love yourself honey, tell yourself every day "I am a good, kind person and I deserve to be loved" - then you just have to believe it. xx

Anonymous said...

I couldn't agree more with the comments your friends akelamalu and artisbliss have left Julie. You are one of the sweetest, special and loveliest friend I could ever wish to have. I hope you are having a wonderful time in Keswick. Missing you loads CH xx

photowannabe said...

Here's some HUGS for you. You are a great blog friend and I want to see you happy.
XXOOOOXXXXOOO HUGS
OOXXXXXOOOOXXXXXOOOOOX HUGS

RUTH said...

Are you sure we're not twins....this sounds just like me! You've certainly been a wonderful blogfriend to me and I've no doubt that if we lived closer we'd be real life friends :o)
Rxxx

Mafia Wife said...

You are one of the most beautiful and caring people that I know. You want so much to be helpful to others and to help people in times of need. Sometimes it's just the people you are interacting with that may not appreciate you and all you have to offer, but never let that deter who you are inside. Sometimes, if a person is making us feel badly, on a regular basis, we just have to make a decision to step away, for our own well being. It is not a failure, but self preservation and there is nothing wrong with that. How can you look out for others if you don't look out for yourself first.

I wish I could be there every day to tell you how wonderful I think you are and how deserving you are of so much in life.

CG said...

Susan...thank you so much. You're a bright light in my life also!!

akelamalu - you are such a wise lady; I'll do my best to follow your advice !

Ruth...I wish we lived closer. You're such a special person and I admire you so much.

CH - you've been so understanding and you make me laugh..I'm so glad we are friends!

photowannabe...thanks for the hugs {{HUGS}} back!

Mafia Wife; I have never known you be anything be wise and sensible. Your words mean more than I could ever say...xx

picperfic said...

well I think you are lovely!

JoAnn - NL "My digital eyes" :) said...

Hi CJ,
Thans for your 'letting me know about your feelings about your wrinkels haha" that makes me feel better too:)

BTW I posted today some historical facts from Sicilia (Taormina) on your question to post some more, so there it is!
Bye Greetings form JoAnn:)