Sunday, October 21, 2007
In Monterey...an appealing place to shop!
This weekend seemed to go by very fast. Phil came home on Friday night and it was great to see him! Then Sian got a tummy bug early on Saturday morning - she was sick over and over! I realised Phil's parents wouldn't want to visit us in the circumstances! So Phil and Kate went off to watch Everton play and Sian and I stayed home - she resting, me doing housework! It was a beautiful day, too!
All too soon it was Sunday and Phil set off for the second week on his commision; to the estate in Lancashire. Tomorrow the girls and I are going for a flying visit to the Lake District. I'm hoping for nice weather!
I have been thinking a lot about self esteem and why I don't seem to have much of it! My first response when someone treats me badly is to apologise; and then apologise again.And again... And then I spend hours, days, sometimes even weeks worrying about what I did that was so wrong to make them treat me like that. Even when it is pointed out to me that I did nothing wrong; I still ALWAYS blame myself. I think if I was a better person, they wouldn't treat me like that.
I know in many respects this is a very egocentric way of thinking as not everything is about me!! People around me have "off" days or bad moods that are in no way connected with me and yet I always assume it's me. I need to get over that. I think I'd also be a happier person if I wasn't always trying to please everyone around me and make them happy with me 100% of the time.
I tried once to be the perfect friend; every day I tried harder and yet still I failed and in quite spectacular fashion. I am not sure if I will ever be able to forgive myself or put that behind me. I was talking to the Wildcat the other day and I mentioned how I'd wanted to be "the perfect friend". There is no such thing as a perfect friend (said she).
I wish I could gain and hold onto a sense of my own worth and not just see myself reflected in the opinion of other people.