Monday, June 02, 2008

My second post for Project Blue is a suncatcher ball hanging un my kitchen window!

Last night I had another of my "photography nightmares". This time I was trying to take photos of a bride and groom outside the church. The photos looked weird and I realised I had no lens attached to my camera. I looked around in my bag and found a lens but couldn't attach it...this dream joins an increasing list of photo-related night terrors that started a while back with one in which no matter what I did I couldn't focus....!


When I awoke I spent a little time thinking "Why am I doing this? Why am I TRYING to be a wedding photographer when it is causing me so much anxiety I'm even dreaming about it?" The answer was because I'm tired of remaining in my comfort zone. I like my "real" job but I've been doing it so long there isn't a load of challenge there any more; I'm not learning much new. It doesn't excite me as much as it once did. It doesn't stretch me mentally as much as I need to be stretched now I'm in my late forties. I'm scared of failing but I'm even more scared of not at least trying...

I'm doing it because fate (and A!) have given me a great opportunity that I can't pass on.

And I do it because gives me such a thrill on the (rare) occasions that I press the shutter, look at the screen and realise I've captured a real "moment", a special "look" :)

In a couple of months I might have egg all over my face and be writing in my blog about what a spectacularily useless mess I've made of everything, it's certainly on the cards! If that happens at least I'll know I took a gamble on doing something that wasn't safe.

Ibsen said “'Live, work, act. Don't sit here and brood and grope among insoluble enigmas.'

I'm treating my anxiety by indulging in my "Sex & the City" DVDs, starting from Series 1. Great clothes, great shoes, great writing, lots of laughs, the joy of female friendship and some sensational men too :)


Dianne said...

the suncatcher is brillant! and the tiara - couldn't you just picture one of the Sex and the City gals wearing it with jeans!?

I think your nightmares are your mind telling you how these disasters will ONLY happen in your dreams, in your mind.

I so admire you for all the chances you take although sometimes I want to smack you for being so hard on yourself.

A gentle smack of course -

Akelamalu said...

From what I've seen of your photographic efforts you have nothing at all to worry about honey. Nerves will keep you sharp though and just give you that edge I think. Forget the dreams! :)

artisbliss said...

David gave me a glass suncatcher ball for Christmas and I love it.

I think it's natural to have some anxiety about doing something new, especially since it potentially impacts others. But I think so far you're doing a brilliant job and your boss/mentor seems happy with your work. Just look on it as a manifestation of your desire to do a good job.

picperfic said...

no way will you be telling us how bad you have done...never!! Oh and I'm Samantha Jones in your DVD' where's me fan??

Sara said...

Love the glass globe! I've not seen them called suncatchers before - but what a fabulous name for them.

Oh, I have had those kinds of dreams before! I empathize!

Hopefully your anxiety will work itself out soon. I've only just found your blog, but I agree with akelemalu - what I've seen here is fabulous and you don't need to worry about your capability. Consider instead the moments you capture so beautifully.

Kerri said...

Lovely shots!!

I think it's great that you are challenging yourself!!

photowannabe said...

Keep challenging yourself. Its the only way to grow and refine.
Now that you have figured out about your worry your sleep will get better I'm sure.
Love your project blue sun catcher. It must make your room just sparkle.

juliana said...

wow, the suncather is gorgeous!
good luck with your venture! :)

Robert said...

First off, the picture is a great post for blue. But I loved reading your thoughts here. As someone that is just beginning to think of doing more with my photography, it's comforting to ready your thoughts. The range of emotion and confidence or lack thereof are things I'm sure all of us have to confront. Thanks for sharing out loud.

Raven said...

That suncatcher is awesome. Your photos are wonderful and I think it's great that you are - as Joseph Campbell says - "following your bliss." You will do splendidly. I feel it.