Difficult times...

Let me say right at the start that I know compared to lots of other people things aren't that bad. I have many blessings. But I am struggling to keep any positivity afloat right now.

It's the end of July and it feels as if every day this month has been grey and wet and depressing.

Phil & I are both struggling with health issues - non life threatening but the sort of things that make getting through the days and nights a massive effort.

I am having serious worries about the photography business - my nerves and anxiety over each wedding seem to be getting greater instead of diminishing and I'm starting to question whether it's actually worth it ...I sort of thought I might at least get better at dealing with it in time but I'm not...Big chunks of my life are taken over by literally paralysing fear of failure and of letting people down. No amount of reasurance or positive feedback can convince me I am worrying unecessarily. And yet if I give up, I'll have given in to fear - I don't like that idea. It feels like a lose/lose situation. I can't see my way forward right now.

This week a dear colleague/friend died of cancer. She was my age, had her first son around the time I had Kate. I WILL NOT say she lost her battle with cancer. I hate the whole "cancer battle - courageous fight" thing. There is for me an implication that people who die have lost their battle - my friend was not defeated by cancer! Nothing so ugly could take her spirit and the essence of her. Cancer eventually overwhelmed her body but not her soul. She was never diminished by her illness. She never displayed one shred of self-pity. I can't help but wonder "Why?" Why did she get taken from her young sons and her loving husband, family and friends? Some questions are too big to be answered.

Also this week, as a family, we had some extremely bad news. We are still reeling from it. I can't even begin to come to terms with it yet....

At the moment I am just coasting...I can't see the way ahead so I'm drifting in the current.