I haven't posted in a few days. My emotions are all over the place. First, I saw the doctor about my physical problems. It was humiliating and unpleasant but she was kind, and it seems I have IBS. I am on a high-fibre diet and some medication (called Spasmodol - the name of which for some reason cracks me up!)
i am still pretty much in my black zone although i'm managing to function ok. Sometimes I feel great; really happy and then wham, I'm shaking inside. I think that's part of where my IBS comes from as fear and anxiety go straight to my stomach. It is driving me mad because everything is pretty much ok in my life. I have friends facing terrible problems but I'm just trying to get through each perfectly normal day when instead I want to stay in bed.
I feel safe in bed. I also feel safe in the house and weirdly, in my car. I don't feel safe at work and in fact am often terrified of going there; but when I'm actually there it's not too bad.
I wish i could make sense of all this.