Sunday, January 07, 2007

I am feeling terribly ill this morning. This latest flare up of my arthritis is really bad but the accompanying depression is worse than usual - combined perhaps with the post-holiday blues and maybe even my age (as J at work keeps reminding me, maybe I'm menopausal - lovely thought!)

I'm sleeping badly as i can't get comfortable and the pain killers wear off in the early hours. My thoughts are disturbed and troubled too so when i do wake I'm kept awake by worry and anxiety. Will I ever know any peace in my own thoughts?

I called this online diary the "Compulsive Worrier" on impulse and as a sort of joke but maybe it's life immitating art - my worrying seems to be getting worse not better!

At times I wonder; why do I keep writing this? I think it's because here I don't have to maintain a facade. I don't have to put on a cheerful front and laugh about things. I don't have to worry that this diary will stop liking me if it knows how I really feel so much of the time!

The worst of this crippling unhappiness is there is no obvious cause - ok, i have my worries and anxieties like everyone else but they don't add up to this huge cloud of grief and oppression. I am a lucky person; I have a wonderful life. I know this in my heart and in my mind; why can't i sustain that knowledge against this senseless gloom? In addition to everything else i feel angry with myself that i'm ungrateful and undeserving of the good things in my life!

I am off to the doctor tomorrow I think as I have a sort of wart thing on my back that I can't see but is itchy and painful and according to P is hanging off - ugh! Glad I can't see it!! I might also mention the ugly lump on my eyelid while I'm there.

Yesterday I heard that two of the horses from the yard where S rides died suddenly from colic. i was really upset - one of them, Apache, was a a real favourite of mine. It scared me as it reminded me that horses are surprisingly fragile creatures and the thought of it happening to one of our real favourites - like Domino or Piper - is awful.

I guess I'll head off to the supermarket now as P has gone out to deliver birthday cards to his mum and K has gone to watch the rugby with her friends.

2 comments:

her indoors said...

just dropped by via quinn's blog, my husband has arthritis and he takes sleeping medication so he can get a fairly decent sleep have you thought about trying some?

CG said...

That's a good idea; thanks, am getting quite desperate so will give it a try :)