Sunday, January 07, 2007

I am feeling terribly ill this morning. This latest flare up of my arthritis is really bad but the accompanying depression is worse than usual - combined perhaps with the post-holiday blues and maybe even my age (as J at work keeps reminding me, maybe I'm menopausal - lovely thought!)

I'm sleeping badly as i can't get comfortable and the pain killers wear off in the early hours. My thoughts are disturbed and troubled too so when i do wake I'm kept awake by worry and anxiety. Will I ever know any peace in my own thoughts?

I called this online diary the "Compulsive Worrier" on impulse and as a sort of joke but maybe it's life immitating art - my worrying seems to be getting worse not better!

At times I wonder; why do I keep writing this? I think it's because here I don't have to maintain a facade. I don't have to put on a cheerful front and laugh about things. I don't have to worry that this diary will stop liking me if it knows how I really feel so much of the time!

The worst of this crippling unhappiness is there is no obvious cause - ok, i have my worries and anxieties like everyone else but they don't add up to this huge cloud of grief and oppression. I am a lucky person; I have a wonderful life. I know this in my heart and in my mind; why can't i sustain that knowledge against this senseless gloom? In addition to everything else i feel angry with myself that i'm ungrateful and undeserving of the good things in my life!

I am off to the doctor tomorrow I think as I have a sort of wart thing on my back that I can't see but is itchy and painful and according to P is hanging off - ugh! Glad I can't see it!! I might also mention the ugly lump on my eyelid while I'm there.

Yesterday I heard that two of the horses from the yard where S rides died suddenly from colic. i was really upset - one of them, Apache, was a a real favourite of mine. It scared me as it reminded me that horses are surprisingly fragile creatures and the thought of it happening to one of our real favourites - like Domino or Piper - is awful.

I guess I'll head off to the supermarket now as P has gone out to deliver birthday cards to his mum and K has gone to watch the rugby with her friends.


her indoors said...

just dropped by via quinn's blog, my husband has arthritis and he takes sleeping medication so he can get a fairly decent sleep have you thought about trying some?

CG said...

That's a good idea; thanks, am getting quite desperate so will give it a try :)