Monday, July 09, 2007

Guilt....
I feel terribly guilty because when I was helping out at RDA on Wednesday, my rider fell off.

It was the last ride of the morning and I was leading Drummer; who's a big piebald cob about 15.3 hands high. He's quite young, very gentle, and was used for carriage work before he came to the school. He's a real gentle giant - steady, good in traffic, reliable. Anyway, as we turned a corner (fortunately we were in the indoor school as it was raining) something spooked him and he just reared - or reared as high as he could with me hanging off his head! It all happened so fast. I heard Peter (my rider) scream, then there were awful thuds as Drummer's front hooves hit the ground, along with poor Peter.Somehow I managed to hold onto Drummer who was terrified. Our instructor told me to lead him away while she and Peter's carer examined Peter. I was so thankful to see him get to his feet. Next thing he was approaching us, our instructor wanted him to pat Drummer. Before I knew what was happening he was hugging me and reassuring me that all was ok! Then he patted Drummer and told us he wanted to get back on. None of us had expected that. With the instructor and ride leader as side walkers he completed the session. He was so brave. At the end I had another big hig, a kiss and a thimbs up sign as he left.

Peter is in his 50s, I guess, with learning difficulties. And such courage, kindness and understanding. I am so lucky to get the chance to work with Peter and the other RDA pupils. They have taught me so much. The horses too...who behave so differently with their "special" riders. Everyone has told me it wasn't my fault, that horses can spook at the smallest things sometimes...but I still feel I let brave Peter down.

S had her first fall yesterday and I was at work - not there for her :( More guilt! She fell off Peanut. He was trying to run out at a jump; S wouldn't let him and instead he jumped the block that the poles were resting on - a big leap. She almost stayed on but not quite! But she got right back on and cleared the jump successfully. I'm so proud of her too.

K fainted yesterday. P and I were terrified. I think it was heat, lack of food - anyway, she seems ok but she cut her chin when she fell. I experienced such fear when I saw her fall. P was feeling so bad that he didn't move quick enough to catch her.

My friend is ill but I am struggling to find a big enough gap in my pre-holiday frenzied schedule to get to see her again.I don't want to let her down...

I guess guilt is part of life...maybe.

10 comments:

Mafia Wife said...

I understand how you might feel guilty, but some things are simply beyond your own control and you shouldn't feel guilty for those things. Sounds like it went okay in both situations (your daughter being as much of a trooper and getting right back on again)!

Mafia Wife said...

Wow, in just a couple of weeks, we'll be hanging out!

RUTH said...

That's the problem with being such a nice person Julie...you feel guilty even though there is nothing to blame yourself for. I bet if it had been someone else you would have told them it wasn't their fault. I know (and Leanne will ) how you feel about not being there for S...but it sounds like you have a grand girl there!
{HUGS}
Rx

Leanne said...

hello, i completely understand the guilt thing, think it comes with being a mum. im glad your friend was ok after his fall. ive only ever been on a horse once and was terrified lol! x

AB said...

{{HUGS}} As difficult as it must be, try not to feel guilty. None of that is your fault, but I think it must come with the Mom territory.

Good on S for getting right back on the horse and completing the jump; she's far braver than me!

Hope K feels better soon - must have been terrifying for you all.

xoxox

RUTH said...

Julie pop over to my garden blog and pick up an award :o)

Anna said...

It doesnt have to a part of life Julie. Things happen. People know your heart and therefore show grace....grace when mistakes happen and grace when you cant always be where you want to be...

:)

Take are and let go of that guilt.

JCR said...

(((Julie))) you can't blame yourself for any of those things.

Hope both of the girls are ok, have a great time in the US xx

Kaycee said...

Julie, I hope that K and S are doing much better now. Your friend Peter is so brave. I am sure that you do a wonderful job at the riding school!

picperfic said...

oh my...so much and all at once! Life is like that...just like buses! Hope you are ok, it can hit you hard at times...for what reason? I'm a firm believer in that message, 'everything happens for a reason'....it usually makes sense in the end x