Monday, February 08, 2010

I'm regressing to my childhood....every morning recently I've woken up very frightened thinking "I want my mum"! How bizarre is THAT? I'm not far off fifty and my mum has been dead for 20 years but ...I guess I still need her. I would really love to have a huge, cleansing, full-throttle CRYING SESSION followed by a great big cuddle from Mum - who wouldn't do anything much, just let me get it all out.

I've been SO down since January; really struggling to hold things together. Just out of interest I've revisited my blog posts for February last year and find that I was anxious and stressed and down then too - re-reading those posts has somehow been very comforting - I find myself able to say (and believe) that "this too will pass".

Anyway, I was going to write a really cathartic post about how bloody miserable and anxious and tearful I am but realising I wrote all that a mere 12 months ago has sort of put me off. Instead I'll try to dredge up some shreds of POSITIVITY (not optimism, I don't do optimism!) The months of January & February are not particularly cheering in any case, are they? I usually try to enjoy each day (yeah, RIGHT, good luck with that, as Sian would say!)but I do feel these gloomy weeks are barely endurable. I hate to look out and see my garden covered in dead foliage and slimy green moss encroaching everywhere. Time to get my vegetable growing book out and start planning for spring plantings I think.

Last week at work was really REALLY horrible but looking back I can (sort of) see there were some good parts. Like how kind some people were, how supportive. I also managed to get through it, although I can tell you that on Friday morning I REALLY didn't want to get out of bed, let alone leave the bedroom, far less the actual house!

I suppose the old cliche about what doesn't kill you making you stronger has some truth in it after all.

Thanks to everyone who took the trouble to comment on my "I quit!" post! I am so grateful for knowing I'm not alone and also for the helpful suggestions. Things have improved a little on the home front since then and family relations are fairly cordial again :)


Akelamalu said...

Do you suffer from SAD? If not it's quite a coincidence that you feel the same as you did at this time last year isn't it?

Anyway I hope you start feeling more positive soon m'dear. x

CG said...

Akelamalu - not as far as I know, i think I'm just a miserable git! I will perk up soon, I usually do :)

photowannabe said...

Glad you are posting about your feelings. I think that can sometimes help. Happy to hear that things have improved a little with the girls. Teen hormones are in a class by theirselves.
Take care, I'm thinking about you.

Juanitajo said...

As I am reading your post today, it's kinda like I wrote it.... My mom passed away 14 years ago and there are days I miss her so much, it hurts. I would give anything for a cuddle and encouraging word from her. I too am having a rough time these day, kinda cool how I don't know you but we share some common stuff. Thanks for making me feel like I'm not alone with these feeling...JJ

Cathifach said...

Sounds like you've had a particularly difficult start to the year. I know it's just one factor but lack of daylight really doesn't help. A lot of people recommend a light box - quite expensive but certainly supposed to help with the winter blues. It's good to cry - I do it often and usually in the bath! We mothers have so much to take on and we need to be kind to ourselves. I think your mum would want you to look after yourself, indulge yourself and tell yourself what a great job you're doing.

cheshire wife said...

Keep going! I am sure that things will improve.

Dianne said...

you're not a miserable GIT! SAD is a possibly
I'm glad you know it will pass although that never helps in the moment


SM said...

I'm having some new year why the f is nothing changing attitude lately!

I'm reading excuses begone by Wayne Dyer and trying to change my excuses with actions! not saying it's working 100% but even a 10 % is more than yesterday.

xox smile...often.