Reflections in a Rolls Royce

It's been a while since my last blog post and I have been really busy. We photographed another wedding and had those photos to edit, plus we've had a week-long literary festival at work and I've been working lots of extra hours photographing events for that. This afternoon Everton are playing Liverpool and Phil & Kate are out, Sian is in France on an exchange trip and I'm "home alone" which is actually quite nice as I'm able to do a bit of catching up.

So much is going on I don't know where to begin. For starters, every council employee received a letter last week offering us the opportunity to apply for voluntary severance and/or voluntary early retirement (if over 55).There was also the hint that if not enough jobs were shed this way, compulsory redundancies could be next in line. I'm not eligible for my pension yet so I'm not applying to go. We have no idea yet how many staff will be allowed to go or what our department will look like after this process is over. And when you add the cuts in public spending that are to be announced next week into the mix alongside the reccomendations of the inquiry into public sector pensions - it all adds up to a lot of uncertainty.

Then Phil arrived home last week with the news that Lloyds are intending to shed loads of IT jobs - I literally just put my head in my hands in despair!

It's ironic that we could both end up claiming benefits at the exact time that this government are cutting the benefit system to the bone!

University fees are set to rise just as our daughters approach the age when they'll be applying to go to Uni.

Well, I'm sure my worries about possible job losses are shared by millions of people up and down the country. I know I'm not unique.

I'm missing June so much. I keep having these vivid dreams where I go to her house and she's there. When she sees my astonished face she says "It was all a mistake, I didn't die!" i wake up and for a few moments I'm happy, then reality hits again.

In losing June I feel I've lost one of the few remaining people who really thought I was all right. For so much of the time I feel I'm failing at everything, but June would tell me I was doing a good job. I miss that reassurance at a time when i feel everything is slipping away.

I know I have good friends I can talk to but I'm afraid of starting in case the floodgates open and EVERYTHING comes pouring out, not just the grief for June but all the fears and anxieties that are tormenting me. No one needs to have all that dumped on them especially as I know my friends have their own worries and concerns to deal with. Hence this post, so I can at least get things off my chest a bit...send them into Cyberspace.

I recently had a night out with friends and although it was lovely to see them i felt very separate from them, as if I was behind a sheet of perspex. I don't feel part of the group any more - nothing to do with them,they are the same wonderful group of people they always have been, it's just me. I don't know why I feel like this. I'm lonely but at the same time I can't seem to bring myself to interact with people.

Well, so as not to be ALL doom & gloom I'll write about some positives - riding is going well and I had my first canter in 20 years the other week - wow, I absolutely loved it! RDA has restarted and I'm still loving that.

Our two latest weddings are completed although both couples want albums which is more work (albeit enjoyable!). They are both very happy with our services which is always wonderful to hear. We have some bookings for next year too. Phew...

We are going on holiday soon to Yorkshire. Fears of creepy crawlies aside, I'm looking forward to a change of scene and hopefully some riding!

Right, off to do some gardening. I do feel a mite better for this cyber-dumping. Isn't self pity a vile emotion?