Monday, November 05, 2007
I called this photo "Slightly battered" which is how I'm feeling right now!
Have you ever done something and then right away wished you hadn't? I did this morning; I went to see my doctor. Well, not "my" doctor because of course you can't get to choose which doctor you see at a group practice these days...but "a doctor".
For many years I've suffered from varying degrees of pain in my joints and about four years ago I spoke to my doctor about it. Various blood tests followed and an appointment with a rheumatologist. At the appointment she told me my blood tests were normal, I was to wear comfortable shoes and "when the pain was bad, don't walk" (very helpful when you children and a job!). At my follow up with my doctor she said it might be "a virus". I left feeling it was all in my mind and vowing I'd never ask for help with my joints again.
Recently I've been getting worse. My knees and right hip are especially painful. Getting off the loo, supermarket shopping, climbing stairs, getting out of chairs, in and out of the car...walking on surfaces that aren't level - it's all getting way too painful. I feel my body is about 30 years older than the rest of me! I am starting to find my low-impact aerobics too painful and so is the gym.
People have said that I must see the doctor again and finally, this morning, after realising I was hurting too much to go to aerobics, I did.
She asked me if I was depressed or stressed. Worrying excessivly about anything. Right away I knew this was leading to the "it's in your mind" as there is no apparent physical cure. To my shame I started to cry - more out of anger and frustration than anything else. I told her I was worried and stressed because the pain was getting worse. That I'd gone on for 4 years on over the counter pain killers but they were no longer very effective.That I was worried it was going to affect my working and my general mobility. She then asked me what I thought we should do about the situation!!!
Everyone who has experienced chronic pain knows that it is something you accept and have to learn to live with. I've done this. I keep as active as I can but I know my limits - no high impact aerobics or jogging for instance. I take supplements.I eat well. I can't remember the last time I took a day's sick leave. I know I'm lucky that I don't have rheumatoid arthritis or fibromyalgia or any of the truly nasty, scary and painful diseases or conditions that cause so much distress and agony.
But every single day I'm in pain and now I'm struggling to do normal tasks and activities and I need a bit of help and advice. I don't want to be offered a screening session for depression or asked what I think should be done. It's hard to have it implied there is no cause, as you are then left thinking "Am I imagining this pain?"
I should never have bloody GONE there! I feel a hundred times worse in my mind and as if there's no hope things will get any better. I feel so stupid.
I spoke to my wonderful K last night; things are no better for her (God, compared to hers my problems are nothing!) but the doctors are thinking of sending her home as they seem to have no real idea how to cure her. As usual she was bright and cheerful and interested in everything - I miss her so much. So now I'm sitting here feeling sorry for myself because of my aching joints...what an idiot. I shouldn't complain. It just helped a bit to write it all down. Instead of sitting here feeling sorry for myself I'll go and do the ironing!!
One thing DID make me smile this morning...one of my many SPAM emails had the subject line "Have you ever felt the kiss of a womb? With your new big r*d you'll certainly feel it!" There's no answer to that, is there?