We watched the DVD "United 93" last night.

I can't stop thinking about it.

Sian

I missed Sian's trial ride in the next class up as I was working. Apparently she did very well - second part of the trial is jumping next week - will be there for that.

Today at work passed very quickly as I had lots to do. After next week I'll be back to my normal working hours - I have enjoyed these few weeks of working less and pottering more!

Kate is at a sleepover tonight so it's just the three of us and I think we're going to watch a film. I've had a glass of wine and am feeling MELLOW :)

Phil and I have been busy editing wedding photos; it's now 12.50 at night and I've just finished! I think my mouse hand is about to drop off!

Very proud...

Kate got 6 A*s and 5 As in her GCSEs. These included A*s in Chemistry, Biology, Physics & French.
Her dad had tears in his eyes - she has worked so hard and we are all thrilled for her :)

We photographed a wedding on Saturday and I got a big shock when the bride appeared in a beautiful Rolls Royce! She had told me they were not bothering with wedding cars but using taxis instead; so for a horrible moment I thought I was at the wrong wedding! Apparently her mum and dad had booked the Rolls as a surprise? Wasn't that lovely?

The day was not without incident! The low point was when i realised I'd left my camera bag in the ceremony room and it had been locked! I had both my cameras but all my spare memory cards and my phone were in the bag. Phil had to charge all over the place in sweltering heat to locate someone with a key. I was NOT popular.

Since then I have been busy editing photos and trying not to have a nervous breakdown! Sian's riding lesson on Sunday morning went very well and she has a trial promotion to the next ride up, which makes me very proud! A very busy day at work on Monday helped distract me from my worries and a really lovely day at Annie's yesterday did me the world of good. Annie's little girl is like bottled sunshine and she and Sian had lots of fun together. Annie also set up her studio lighting so we could have a little photography fun, with Sian as our model.

Today I've been shopping in Chester with the girls. It was a pretty grotty day, weather-wise, so a bit of retail therapy was just the ticket. I got two rather glam new bras plus matching knickers in the M&S sale for about a quarter of the original price :)

Tomorrow is GCSE results day and Kate is getting very anxious. I hope she and all her classmates and friends do really well; they have worked so hard!

Later...

Phil and I have had a good talk about my problem and he has persuaded me to not take any drastic action just yet! Thank goodness I have him.

I am so grateful to everyone who "listens" to me via this blog; your support means a lot!

Sorry for being such a total pain in the a*&%!! Again!

I have been aware for some time that I'm very unhappy and am not enjoying life nearly as much as I should be. I know why, I'm just not at all sure what I should do about it.

Today it all got too much for me and I know I can't carry on like this. One aspect of my life is blighting my every waking moment. I feel as if I'm walking around with my own personal black cloud over my head and all the joy is being sucked out of life. Even our recent lovely holiday was overshadowed by the worry and gloom I'm carrying around with me. I'm not sleeping well and when i do sleep , i have nightmares!

The trouble is it's not easy to fix and fixing it involves a certain amount of "giving up" and admitting that I've made a mistake. I feel like a failure and a coward .... But I honestly don't know how much longer I can function like this. I feel I'm wasting so much time when I could be happy with my family and friends.

I have tried and tried to beat these feelings but I can't - I just can't. I really don't know what to do - I just know I can't go on like this. The thing is, life can be short - you never know what's waiting round the corner. I feel like I'm wasting "right now" which is all any of us can be sure of - by being in a constant state of worry, anxiety and misery!

Sorry to be so down.

Guess what the highlight of Sian's holiday was?

This was taken at the Abercrombie & Fitch store in Saville Row, London.

This morning I went shopping with the girls to Cheshire Oaks. All I wanted were some new knickers from M&S but they didn't have the style I wanted in my size. I did buy some 99% cocoa Lindt chocolate though. I have "educated" myself into only eating small amounts of at least 70% and more often than not 85% dark choc instead of loads Cadbury's Dairy Milk and I have surprised myself by really enjoying it. It's funny how a little is satisfying wheras I could happily munch my way through a huge bar of CDM over a couple of days - just keeping on visiting the fridge for another chunk. I think it was the sugar I was craving rather than the chocolate. I have now almost eliminated sugar and caffeine from my diet, something I used to think would be Mission Impossible.

Some fellow Facebook users on the Harcombe Diet are apparently weighing themselves daily and they are making posts saying "up one pound today - must have been those tomatoes!" and similar things. I'm deliberately not weighing myself OR saying I'm trying to lose weight (although that would be nice!) but just trying to eat like a normal human being for the first time in my life. For as long as i can remember weight has been an issue and food has always been a source of guilt rather than pleasure. At my lightest I was about 8.5 stone, size 10 was loose on me and yet I STILL felt fat and ugly.

Today I was tempted to buy some scales but I don't want my life ruled by what number appears on the dial. Weight fluctuates daily due to water retention etc and daily weighing seems utterly pointless and demoralising to me. But I know if I start even weekly weighing, I'll have my week blighted if i've not lost or worse, actually GAINED weight! I'm quite capable of blighting my week with my own worries without weight gain adding to it! My clothes are getting gradually looser (hence need for new knickers!) and at some point I might get around to measuring myself - if I'm feeling brave!

I need to work out some sort of new exercise routine now I've had to leave the gym; but I'll wait until the girls are back at school for that.

Pots at Hever Castle in Kent

I took Kate off to visit a friend in a neighbouring village this morning and enjoyed the drive back through the lovely Cheshire countryside. I've been attacking the garden since then; very satisfying but I've had to call a halt as I've filled the brown garden stuff recycling bin plus an extra bag AND the compost bin! i've also cut the lawns, swept the drive and tidied the garage. Time for a sit down and a cuppa i think!

I am enjoying being back at home and pottering around in the garden; seeing how everything has grown while I've been away. But I'm sad the holiday is over. Phil is already stressed about returning to the hell that is his job and I'm worrying about our next weddings (I have recently lost ALL confidence in my ability to take decent photos...) Holidays always come to an end and you realise your problems and anxieties are still there waiting for you...there's no escape.


It's certainly cooler and windier here than it was in Kent! But there is no place like home, after all! We were quite relieved to be back in our own bed in our peaceful attic room with no traffic noise that first night, but Phil complained the mattress felt uncomfortably slanted. I ignored him for a bit until I suddenly remembered I'd hidden my earring box under his side of the bed just before going on holiday!!

I am very concerned about an awkward situation I've found myself in; I don't know what to do so for the moment I'm doing nothing! And hoping the right solution will come to me in time!

My dear MIL is having some health problems and we are all worried for her. Please remember her in your thoughts and prayers this week, if you can. I'd be so grateful!

I think this is my 600th post on this blog! When I started it I never thought i'd stick at it so long or that I'd meet so many interesting people through blogging!

The photo is one of my favourites, taken in New York. Not hard to guess where!

Technology can be a double-edged sword. I commented yesterday how I rather enjoyed 2 weeks without the internet. I got to read more and we all talked to each other a whole lot more! I recently read an article about how young children are suffering because of their parents addiction to Blackberries etc and how they are losing out as regards attention from their mums and dads. I thought this was very sad but also wondered how many parents of older kids get very frustrated by THEIR absolute necessity to be constantly texting or playing on hand-held computer games as well as being plugged into their mp3s. Parents get ignored too!

I'd be very wary of getting a phone with internet access as I think I'd find it far too addictive!

I have mixed feelings about mobile phones. Why do so many people insist on carrying on "text conversations" in social situations ? It drives me mad when you're trying to talk to someone and you have to keep stopping while they read their text and then reply. And this goes on and on...it's like there's an extra person there that I can't see or hear! I also hate it at work when I have to serve someone and they are talking on the phone and don't even acknowledge my existence...and as for those dozens of people I see using a phone while they are driving....!!!

I love blogging and quite like Facebook but Twitter is not for me.

(this image is from http://www.hoppingdowninkent.org.uk/intro4.php)

The wanderer returns...

We got back late last night from our holiday in Kent. We decided to travel back Friday night as Phil & Kate have Everton's first match of the season to attend and it was a good decision because we now have the whole weekend to recover from our holiday! We had a great time although I think the girls are starting to get to that age when holidays with mum and dad are a bit boring!

Our holiday home was bright, modern, and very comfortable and well equipped with beautiful views from the back over the countryside which included a converted oast house (see above!). The only drawback was it was on a main road so was quite noisy at night. It was really well located for exploring the area though.

Quite a few people expressed surprise that we were going to Kent but there was loads to do and the weather was mainly warm and sunny! We went to various old houses and castles - Hever Castle (with jousting!) was a highlight for me as was Chartwell, home of Sir Winston Churchill. We had two days in London and saw the aftermath of one of the biggest ever jewel robberies in the UK! We even ventured to the Bluewater Mall which wasn't nearly as horrible as the Trafford Centre. There were beautiful villages to explore and of course oast houses EVERYWHERE!

I haven't time to download my photos yet but when I do I'll of course be posting some on here and on Flickr. I have been reading up on everyone's blogs and will comment when i'm more "sorted". It's been a great holiday but also nice to come home and be reunited with the pussies.

How did I manage TWO WEEKS without ANY internet access? It was strange but curiously liberating. I realise just how much time I spend online!