Difficult times...

Let me say right at the start that I know compared to lots of other people things aren't that bad. I have many blessings. But I am struggling to keep any positivity afloat right now.

It's the end of July and it feels as if every day this month has been grey and wet and depressing.

Phil & I are both struggling with health issues - non life threatening but the sort of things that make getting through the days and nights a massive effort.

I am having serious worries about the photography business - my nerves and anxiety over each wedding seem to be getting greater instead of diminishing and I'm starting to question whether it's actually worth it ...I sort of thought I might at least get better at dealing with it in time but I'm not...Big chunks of my life are taken over by literally paralysing fear of failure and of letting people down. No amount of reasurance or positive feedback can convince me I am worrying unecessarily. And yet if I give up, I'll have given in to fear - I don't like that idea. It feels like a lose/lose situation. I can't see my way forward right now.

This week a dear colleague/friend died of cancer. She was my age, had her first son around the time I had Kate. I WILL NOT say she lost her battle with cancer. I hate the whole "cancer battle - courageous fight" thing. There is for me an implication that people who die have lost their battle - my friend was not defeated by cancer! Nothing so ugly could take her spirit and the essence of her. Cancer eventually overwhelmed her body but not her soul. She was never diminished by her illness. She never displayed one shred of self-pity. I can't help but wonder "Why?" Why did she get taken from her young sons and her loving husband, family and friends? Some questions are too big to be answered.

Also this week, as a family, we had some extremely bad news. We are still reeling from it. I can't even begin to come to terms with it yet....

At the moment I am just coasting...I can't see the way ahead so I'm drifting in the current.

Late on Wednesday evening I was suddenly visited with the desire to shift some furniture around in the study/box room. We have a problem in this room - the plaster on the walls is really only held together by the wallpaper and the computer chair arm has gouged a hole in the wall which is spilling crumbly plaster. Now, I realise the whole bloody ROOM needs stripping and replastering but realising and actually getting it DONE are two entirely different things...anyway, suddenly i realised that if I moved the desk from under the window and put it against the wall it would both COVER the hole and stop it getting any worse! Result...as I said, I could barely stop myself getting up and moving it right away.

Instead I rushed downstairs early Thursday and moved it. Not quite as easy as i anticipated due the cats cradle of wires under the desk, about three years of dust bunnies and the fact that the desk was pretty heavy but...it's done. Phil, bless him, has sorted out the cables and hoovered under there too. I am childishly delighted by the "new" feel to the room...

We are gradually getting some of the worst house problems sorted. The hole in the bathroom ceiling caused by removing the pull switch when we changed showers about 5 years ago has been filled in but the ceiling still needs resurfacing & painting. The burgalar alarm has been replaced and has new sensors that allow the cats to roam...way-hey!! We have lovely new floors in both bathrooms and the crappy hall/stairs/landing carpet is being replaced this coming week.

But really. a house is a constant work in progress, isn't it?

Busy, BUSY weekend - worked on saturday and Sian & I volunteered at the stables for four gruelling hours this morning in the rain and wind. Where has summer gone??

Am really looking forward to the week ahead as I have THREE days off!!! Can't wait to potter!

My team at the library was recently nominated for an award, from Wirral Star Employers - it's all to do with work experience & apprenticeships for young people. The young man who nominated us, Alistair, has been working with us for two years now and his nomination was really special - we had no idea we had made such an impact on his life! I got invitations to the award ceremony and although at first I asked Phil & the girls to come, I eventually wised up to the fact that it should really be my wonderful team coming, so I asked the family if they'd mind not coming - they agreed.

Last night was the awards night and I was five hours late home from work because of it. It was a truly wonderful evening, quite glitzy, with champagne, posh frocks, a lovely buffet, entertainment....and we were joint winners in our category!! We were awarded a beautiful engraved glass star and a framed certificate and there was press coverage which will be good PR for the beleagured library service. I floated home with our awards, so happy and proud! This sort of thing doesn't usually happen to us librarians!

But no-one asked me how the award ceremony had gone; it was not even referred to. I can't believe it. Did they just assume I hadn't won or did it not even register as a blip on the radar of their daily lives? Didn't the fact I wasn't home cooking the dinner make them think "now where is she tonight?" Obviously not!

I don't want to get the award out and tell them about it because I don't want to hear the excuses..."I've been so busy!" ..."You know my memory!" "I forgot..." "You should have reminded me..."..."I've got so much on my mind right now..."

It would be nice just occasionally to be noticed.

Tired and time-poor!!

So it's Tuesday night and I'm sitting here on my way up to bed. It's 9.30! I'm exhausted! I suppose you could say the novelty of working full time has now worn off and I'm really missing my Mondays off, my shorter Tuesdays! In addition I'm on a course two Wednesdays on the run so when you throw in my two 12 hour days I feel as if I'm hardly at home!

I'm enjoying work but it's also worrying as there are continuous "Chinese Whispers" going around about forthcoming cuts to the library service - I wish we knew the worst as this waiting and wondering is hard to bear. There's also worries about our pensions - I'm nearly 50, if my pension is suddenly done away with or curtailed it's a bit late for me to start saving for a new one.

I'm actually quite homesick which sounds ridiculous but I am really here so little and have so little time on my own. I've realised I like a little time on my own each week. I'm a bit worried too that I'll lose touch with my local friends as I'm not around so much. I don't have the time or the energy for much Facebook or blogging either so I'll probably lose all my online friends too!

I remember how when I was part-time I wanted (indeed, NAGGED!) Phil to do stuff; now I'm looking forward to a weekend when we have nothing planned so I can get in some precious pottering. I also need to get some albums finished. I miss my camera - photos i took for pleasure in June have been barely looked at!

This, however, is one, a sculpture from Anglesey. It looks a bit how I feel tonight - knackered!!

I'm so loving my riding although my progress seems so slow. S & I are planning on helping out at the stables some Sundays. Am I mad to consider this? But I LOVE being around horses...

I've just installed one of those gizmos that show how much electricity you're using. I've turned into a power Nazi, going round switching things OFF to get the readings lower. It's oddly fascinating...

The extra money is helping pay for some stuff that needs doing around the house and I'm grateful not to have had an actual pay cut this year, just a pay freeze. I need to treasure this job, while i still have one!

Now I'm off to bed to read my book!