It's 7.30 and I have been awake since 4 am!! Not good....

Work was very busy yesterday. It looks like from September I could work almost full-time if I want to since my other half (at work) looks like being absent a lot on secondment. It could be very good financially especially as we are saving hard for the trip to California next summer (with a stop in Chicago hopefully to meet my fellow blogger MEL!)

I am trying to decide about booking a trip to Canada in the early autumn, especially after a long chat with K the other night. In some respects it will be easier to arrange this time as we don't have the after-school child care issues we did on my last trip. On the other hand it is two weeks away from my family and I'll get guilty feelings about that.....Decisions, decisions....!

Not really any exercise as such yesterday apart from a walk round shops at lunch time but then it was very hectic at work and I didn't sit down nor eat much. Today doesn't promise to be much better staff-wise.

P is away in Gloucester on a business trip and won't be back until late.

I have been waking up with feelings of dread again just lately as if the day has something horrible in store for me. It's like an enemy with no face. There's nothing to fight against if I can't see what it is I'm fighting....

Last night P was out and I was lonely so I tackled the pine box where I keep paperwork and stuff and had a bit of a filing and sorting session. Of course I found it full of Phil's "stuff" - when I complain too much about the piles of paperwork he leaves around the house he tends to scoop it up and shove it out of sight!

I found a lot of cards that the girls have made or sent me over the years so have put them into folders. I started doing that with the letters and cards etc that T has given me and it seems a good way of keeping together those precious things that you will look back on fondly in years to come. I did get tearful looking through them.

I have been thinking a lot about something my friend M in the US is doing. She is a photographer and has volunteered her services to take pics of babies that die at birth or soon after so the parents have a lasting memory of a life that never even started. She got her first call this past weekend and interrupted her camping trip to answer it. I am in awe of her courage in doing this. I'm not sure i could.

At the top of the post is a pic of me, aged 5.

I am home from a couple of nights visiting T in Leeds. It was warm and sunny in Leeds but wet and drizzly here in Helsby.

We had a couple of trips out; to the Home Farm and Temple Newsham and to Tropical World at Roundhay Park - I've been taught how to pronounce that like the "locals".

We've done quite a bit of walking so the exercise part of my new regime hasn't gone by the board. Have had some healthy sandwiches and light meals too.

it is always hard to say goodbye to T but was especially so today.

I'm thinking that I should keep a sort of exercise diary in my blog to encourage me!

Yesterday I walked around the Marine Lake in my lunch hour (45 minutes of brisk walking) and in the evening I persuaded P to accompany me on a partly up-hill walk of about an hour. It's also a nice way to get some time to talk to him.

S rode well today on her lesson. I'm still thinking of booking some private lessons for her during the summer as the fact that she can't yet move up a class is really holding her back.

K asked me to write a short piece for her parents Golden Wedding lunch today. They are going to read it out! I'm really touched. I so want to return to Canada but two weeks away from the family is such a lot...I miss K a lot. Over the years we've been writing we've shared so much. I don't think there is anyone (maybe not even Phil) who knows so much about me and yet still loves me warts and all.

I'm missing A in CA too. But at least I have next summer to look forward to and plan. And that's another good reason to keep up the diet and exercise plan.

Had a real health scare this week - well, not me, but a colleague and it's got me thinking/worrying, as I do. She had a TIA (like a mini-stroke) quite out of the blue and she's only a little older than me. Apparently her blood pressure is really high, she needs to lose weight and her cholesterol is high also. She is going to have treatment etc and the outlook is good but it's shaken her and made me concerned about myself. I have always had low blood pressure and my cholesterol was fine last time it was checked but these things change.....I know I need to lose some weight. I exercise a lot but I'll try to do more, watch my food intake more carefully and make sure I keep up with the cholesterol-lowering yoghurt drinks!

I had started going for evening walks with 3 friends but they go really fast and my ankle and knee joints are crippled afterwards. So i'm going to carry on the walks but at my own pace. Maybe Phil will come with me sometimes. Also, the nights I don't walk I'll cycle with S.

Am off to visit T on Sunday in Leeds. I'm looking forward to it. At least I know my way now!!

Terrible news this week...

Two of my friends have had the most awful news in the last week. I am struggling to come to terms with the unfairness of it all.

Sometimes life just seems so randomly cruel it's unbearable. How do any of us carry on? Because we have to? Because others need us?

I don't have any answers. I don't know how to be a friend in these circumstances. Nothing I can say or do can alter what will happen. I don't know anything.

It's been ages since I blogged. Life has been busy. I am supposedly on jury service this week and last week. I only served two days last week on an actual jury and the case was amazingly trivial. The worst thing was the attitudes of some of the other jurors. It all comes out...the racial remarks disguised as jokes, religious intolerance and above all SEXISM - that's certainly alive and well in 2006!

T came to stay for the weekend and she left yesterday.it's always quite hard when she goes as I like the company. So far I've not been required in court this week but have to ring again tonight after 5pm to see if they want me tomorrow.

I've been trying to do more exercise and going for longish fast walks three evenings a week. I did an hour in the gym this morning followed by an hours body toning class. If I'm not in court tomorrow I'll go for a swim.

I'm dreading going to work again. What is it about work? It's ok when I get there. But the anticipation makes me ill. Every single week...

I'm concerned about my friend AS who is very much incommunicado right now.I miss hearing from her but i think i need to give her space.

S is doing sex education at school today! I've told her she can ask me about anything she's not understood when she gets home. We have already had the period talk three times and she keeps forgetting....

Our warm weather is over at least for now and it's gone windy, cool and damp. Hope we haven't seen the last of summer!