It's been a good week!

A couple of the things I really worried about went ok. I enjoyed my two days at work and I'm looking forward to the weekend although I shall miss seeing my lovely T on her birthday - but we'll celebrate the following weekend!!!

I have some interesting ideas for something to do at work on Tuesday so I'm actually looking forward to going in for that extra day.

Tonight we all watched a DVD of "Cheaper by the Dozen 2". I cried a lot. S was saying "but it's a COMEDY; why are you crying?" Because it's about parents letting their kids go and grow and I struggle with that idea. I dread the idea of being a clingy mum. I remember how hard it was when mum clung to me and how I didn't do some things that would have been good for me - like getting a flat with my friend, the job swap in America, going to Manchester University...but if I'd done all those things then I wouldn't have met P and had the girls and life is good so I'm not complaining. Well, not tonight I'm not.

P is getting up early to photograph the dawn so I'm off to bed as I know he'll wake ME at dawn and I won't get back to sleep.

Feeling weird...

I have had a funny few days! I've been over-emotional and a bit depressed and have come to the conclusion that it's probably down to my recent proceedure and I just have to go with it until I'm feeling more normal again. Hopefully it won't be long. I just feel sorry for everyone having to put up with me right now!

I'm dreading work on Thursday. It's the Annual General Meeting of our "Friends of the library" group and I have no idea if our somewhat erratic Chair will turn up. So today I'm going in to write both my own Secretary's Address and a Chairperson's speech in case she is a no-show. I hate these meetings! People always ask me questions I can't answer (about why there is so much litter in the streets for example) or why it is that the Council budget for libraries is always so small (if I could answer that I'd be running the country I guess!)

It's one of those days when it seems much safer to stay in the house.

End of the Easter break for me...

I took a photo of S on top of Helsby Hill over Easter and here she is at the top of this post!

I am dreading go back to work tomorrow! i've really enjoyed the easter holidays. I have this sick feeling knowing I'm at work tomorrow. Hopefully I'll be ok when i get there. Last night I dreamed I applied for, and got, a new job. It was something to do with photography but I'm vague on the details. In my dream I was struggling with the decision to quit my current job and take the new one, even though it was something I really wanted to do. I guess after twenty years doing much the same job for the same employer I'm stuck firmly in my comfort zone and the thought of giving that up is scary. I wish i had the guts to do it, though.

How I can I dread going back to work BUT be too cowardly to find a new job?

So many people leave libraries and go in search of better jobs and it's amazing how many of them come back! I don't want that to be me - I'm one of the most senior librarians and I don't want to lose my seniority at my age!

I got a summons to jury service yesterday. It starts 12th June. It's bad timing in that in coincides with T's "anniversary week" but it does not clash with school holidays or birthdays or courses or stuff so I've not applied to defer it in case I get a more inconvenient date. I would have been quite excited except I remember P's farce of an experience last year. Turning up every day; hanging around until lunch and then getting sent home. He actually served only 2 days out of the fortnight.Oh well, I'm sure it will be interesting to see how a court functions in any event.

K and S both had friends to sleep over last night. They all stayed up until 2.30 watching DVDs but were quiet as mice. Phil left early for London and isn't home until tomorrow night so the girls are at his parents house tomorrow.

P has told me I can get some extra base units and new worksurfaces in the kitchen. We've decided not to extend the house as it would be a huge expense and it probably would make more sense to move rather than do that.

T is off looking at a potential new flat. I hope it works out as she'll be at lot closer to us then than she is now. Fingers crossed it's as nice as it looks in the photos she sent me.

Caught a glimpse of myself in a shop mirror today - ugh.

Happy Easter!

I've had a funny few days. First off, I got word that my uncle had died. He was my mum's brother in law and the last of my parents generation. Now they are all gone. I hadn't seen him in several years but it feels like the end of an era. I guess I'm getting old!

This holiday week has gone well; we've been to the zoo, seen Ice Age 2, visited my oldest school friend and her family and gone swimming. Next Tuesday I've promised both girls they can have friends for a sleepover. For the holiday weekend we're supposed to have P's parents over tomorrow and hopefull G & P on Monday. Today we drove out to Alderley Edge for a walk and this evening P and I went up Helsby Hill for sunset. The cross is set up there and I took a couple of pictures.

Emotionally I've been a bit all over the place. My doctors appointment on Wednesday was painful and awful BUT I feel I've got to let go of my anger and resentment towards P; i love him a lot and i need to just get over it. Seeing my schoolfriend with her "younger than mine" children evoked very mixed feelings - envy as they are still so young and their lives revolve around her and relief that mine are well beyond the toddler stage and no longer so demanding and clingy. Sad that the days of play-doh and dollies are behind us; happy that we can enjoy the same music and talk about interesting stuff. Being a parent...such a mixture of joy and confusion and guilt and pain.

Two of my favourite TV shows have featured my "worst nightmare" disease and I've been very "twitchy" and feeling the familar panics. Having those thoughts like "what if it's really happening this time?". The fear is briefly paralising but I can't let it overwhelm me. Can't go down that road again. I just can't.

Added to that is another bout of insecurity; I can't understand how I go bob along feeling normal (ish) and ok then suddenly there it is; the "nobody likes me" flash of self-pity. Have talked to my friend J about this and she sometimes feels the same - I never imagined she would as she seems so serene in her relationships. I think underneath we're all a lot more alike than we could ever imagine. I'm not after reasurance; it doesn't work anyway; these feelings come from inside and I'm the only one who can make them go away. I'm striving after that "I am who I am and if you don't like me you can fuck off" attitude!

I am worried about work. I'm getting pressed to work an extra day a week in order to do baby bounce and rhyme sessions and a bibliotherapy group. I may or may not be able to get paid for this; I may just have to take it as time in lieu which I don't often get to take anyway. My job-share partner doesn't have children and I feel she thinks I should be more accomodating and flexible than I am. Also I'm the only member of my staff who doesn't live locally - I live 45 minutes drive away which means if I come in for an hour long meeting I'm travelling longer than I'm working. Although the girls are older now it doesn't mean they don't still need me! I went job-share so i could be home for them after school three nights a week. In a few years time they'd probably rather I WASN'T there but while they still want me I want to be around for them. P works such long and unpredictable hours so it's not like I can ask him to be there instead of me. I want to be good at my job but I also want to be a mother. I feel as if right now the two roles are fighting each other - maybe I'm irrational in feeling I should be able to do both well. I go to courses on my days off, I attend meetings from time to time on my days off but this will be a regular extra day so i can no longer think of Tuesdays as a non-work day. I'm sure once I get into the swing of it I'll adjust but right now I'm feeling lousy about it. If I don't do it I will be seen as unambitious, uncommitted and lacking in enthusiasm.

When I was in my twenties I thought that when I passed forty I'd have all the answers but here I am 20-odd years later and still full of questions.

Got these from M's site:

1. Who was your first prom date? We don't have proms in the UK.

2. Who were your first roommate(s) Never had a roomate until I got married LOL

3. What alcoholic beverage did you drink the first time you got drunk? Beer

4.What was your first job? Insurance clerk

5. What was your first car? 1960 Singer Gazelle - the car was older than I was!

6. When did you go to your first funeral? 1975 - my gran

7. How old were you when you first moved away from your hometown? 26.

8. Who was your first grade teacher? I can't remember her name but she wasn't nice!!!

9. Where did you go on your first ride on an airplane? 24 - went to Switzerland with P

10. When did you sneak out of your house for the first time, who was it with? Never needed to.

11. Who was your first Best Friend and are you still friends with them? Gillian and we lost touch years and years ago.

12. Where did you live the first time you moved out of your parents' house? In the house I live in now.

13. Who is the first person you call when you have a bad day? Husband

14. What is the first thing you do in the morning? Pee!

15. What was the first concert you ever went to? Elton John at the Liverpool Empire

16. First tattoo or piercing? What age? Ears, when I was 12, 21, 32 and 34 - thought of having a tattoo but never got round to it.

17. First celebrity crush? Donny Osmond (groan)

18.Age of first kiss? 15... back of my parents car

19. First Crush? a guy called Steven who I never actually spoke to!

20. First time you did Drugs - have never done drugs.

Julie's Photographic Pact

I've agreed to join in the Pact thing with T, M and AM. Here's mine :

Julie's Photographic Pact

I, Julie Mann, agree the following….

1. I will create 3 photographic projects (one of which will show the difference between a small and large aperture) and complete them by framing (at least) one shot from each project.

2. To re-shoot at least one previously uploaded image so its better then the first (using skills gained since the original was uploaded).

3. I will sit down with my Camera and Manual and learn 1 new thing at least once a week that will help me get a better understanding of how my camera works.

This Pact begins on 10th April 2006 and will run to 4th July 2006.


Wish me luck!!

Greed:	Very Low
Gluttony:	Very Low
Wrath:	Low
Sloth:	Low
Envy:	Low
Lust:	Low
Pride:	Very Low

Take the Seven Deadly Sins Quiz

I'm still here! I have had a visitor for a week while P was away in Mull. T came to stay last Saturday and left on Friday. We had a great week (well, I did, hope she did too.) Saturday afternoon I took her shopping for new fluffy slippers! On Sunday we went to Speke Hall in Liverpool and visited P's parents. Monday I took her to the Blue Planet Aquarium where she had a good look at the red bellied piranahs and stroked a ray. On Tuesday we went to Tatton Hall and wandered around the lovely gardens before visiting the house. Wednesday we spent in Chester. Thursday I had to work but i came home to a beautifully cooked meal and a glass of wine all ready for me!

T went home on Friday and P returned Friday evening. This Saturday I had my hair professionally coloured for the first time. It's so grey now that the home kits don't really work well. Anyway, I'm pleased with how it looks. After that we've been clearing out closets in S's room and rearranging the furniture so she has more space. A good opportunity to de-clutter generally. Tomorrow we need to clear out the garage, it has so much "stuff" in there I can hardly get in to go to the dryer or the freezer. I love a good de-clutter session. Sad, I know. I also got rid of some clothes. I am making a resolution NOT to make any more impulse clothes purchases. They never work out.

I am also trying to lose a few pounds before the Venice trip on May 13th. Those Italians are all so thin as well as being so stylish. I've been quite good and disciplined today so here's hoping i can stick to it. In fact, i think i'll nip upstairs and do a few stomach crunches and side bends.

Apparently M and I are going to have our own Pacts this quarter. I wonder what AM and T have got in store for us?? M, are you SCARED????