As rare as hens teeth are photos of me! And especially ones in scruffy clothes with scruffy hair and no make up, but here I am with my much loved Bruno, hoping his dazzling good looks will in some way compensate for mine!

Our wedding couple from last month are happy with the photos; calling them "outstanding" and us "very professional" which has REALLY made me happy!

Thornton Hough Church

Are you ever lonely?

I read an article recently about loneliness being at epidemic proportions in today's society and a few days later I read another saying loneliness could be as bad for your health as smoking or obesity. One thing I noticed was that loneliness comes in many degrees and many forms. A happily married woman with a close family could feel a sense of loneliness if she did not also have some close friendships outside the family circle. A person with many close friends and an active social life could feel a deep sense of loneliness because they did not have a partner or children.

The articles both made the point that in modern society communication has never been easier - with our mobile phones, our emailing, MSN, facebook and twitter - yet our sense of community, of belonging, has never been weaker. More and more people are living alone, not all of them from choice. We are having fewer and fewer genuine human interactions.

I know what it's like to feel lonely; I suppose we all do. When I started school, I found it hard to make friends, I never seemed to fit in and I still remember wandering the playground alone trying to look as if I didn't care. As I grew up friendships became much easier but I still retain that feeling of being on the outside looking in and am still faintly astonished that anyone wants me as a friend! Even now I find it almost impossible to be pro-active in my friendships...I am scared to suggest something like a trip to the shops or the cinema or even a cup of coffee in case the answer is no- which will make me feel a ridiculous, irrational and disproportionate sense of rejection ( knowing I'm being stupid doesn't really help!)

Being lonely isn't of course the same as being alone. I enjoy being alone, probably because it's only for a few hours each week. I like to potter around my house and garden on my own, I like driving alone, sometimes walking alone and visiting the cinema alone. I'm happy to eat alone too. I like my own company. I don't get bored easily.

However I can't imagine living alone; I have never done it! I went from living with my parents to married life without a break - I'm a real dinosaur, a freak! I have a huge respect for people who live on their own and hope I could manage it too, if I had to.

Sometimes I've felt lonely whilst in a relationship. Often I've felt lonely because I have no blood relations who are close to me except my daughters. I have a wonderful family "by marriage" but on occasion I've been there amongst them all and felt like that lonely kid in the school playground again. Not their fault - mine.

Sometimes I feel lonely because the phone doesn't ring, no-one is texting me and my emails are all spam. Sometimes it's easy to assume I'm the only one feeling left out and out of step.

Look at Facebook and see how some people have 1000 or more friends! Only they aren't friends, are they? No-one could maintain THAT many friendships! I think it's a bit mad how some folk are desperate to appear popular and yet deep down I have this sneaking feeling that the more friends you have, the better person you are. Can you be a good person with NO friends? I struggle to maintain a sense of my own worth if I'm not getting some positive feedback from others.

Experts advise the lonely to do voluntary work to meet new people. Or go to classes or join clubs. It strikes me that that advice is maybe too trite, as if you're chronically lonely you'll either have already tried that and found it didn't work, or you're just too mired in loneliness to give it a go. Even if you do, you might not find making a few friends is the cure. I think loneliness is something inherant in all of us.

One of the articles quoted an nameless woman who said " I am so lonely. I have no friends, because nobody likes me, no matter what I do". That's one of the saddest and bleakest things I've ever read. I can't forget it.

I am lucky; my feelings of loneliness are transient and I can deal with them. Maybe one day medical science will find cures for cancer and for other killer diseases; maybe one day we'll find a cure for loneliness and the unknown woman above will realise that she is likeable and that life can be good. I hope she is ok tonight....

Two images from Sunday's trip to see the Egg Run go by at Thornton Hough. I've heard of being a chick magnet but this is the first time I've ever seen proof of it!

The picture below is of a gargoyle. Thornton Hough is a beautiful village full of interest, if you ever get a chance to visit it.

Bruno...the best horse in the world!

Sian riding Bruno

I have had such a lovely Sunday! It was great to wake up and see the sun was shining although it wasn't exactly WARM! Phil and I went to watch Sian ride; I was thrilled to find she was going to be riding Bruno, my favourite horse. We took photos of Sian with Bruno and of Bruno on his own and Phil took a photo of me with Bruno...I loathe having my photo taken but to have a pic of me with Bruno....I'll do it!

Afterwards we went to Thornton Hough village to see the Egg Run come by; over 5000 bikers ride in convoy through the roads of Wirral for charity; I've never seen it before but it's a lot of fun. We took loads of photos, one or two of which might be ok.

In the afternoon Phil and I went to Ness Gardens for a wander and more photos....the weather was so gorgeous. When we got back I got supper in the oven and then took advantage of the lighter evenings by forking over my veggie patch and planting the rhubarb I bought at Ness. i also got some onion sets.

I'm trying not to think about work next week as we are possibly going to hear about our new staffing structure. I feel sick with nerves if I allow myself to think too much about it.

Looking up...
I've just spent the morning with my lovely friend J. Thanks for the coffee and the company; you are such a life-saver!!

What has happened to spring??? It's wet, windy and very cold today. Lucky I didn't do as I planned on Saturday and get out all my summer gear!

The chapel at Peckforton Castle

Thanks for the kind comments on work and my lovely Sian :) Today I tried to put worry aside and concentrated on the big "move round" of shelves etc we are doing in the library. It's a mammoth task but it's going well and feels as satisfying as spring cleaning!

The aboce photo was taken at the recent wedding shoot. I really hope the couple are happy. Phil was saying he can see an improvement in each wedding we do, but it's not what we think that matters! I was reasonably happy with my photos but i won't relax until i know the bride and groom are satisfied. I am so hoping that the next wedding we do enjoys decent weather as shooting two weddings on the trot in dark buildings and on chilly days has been hard going!!

Two photos of Sian, from a recent photo-shoot. Thanks for modelling for me, Sian!

It's been a strange few days. Work has not been going well; in fact, I can't remember a time when it's been worse...... oh, how I wish I could turn the clock back and do things differently!

Phil has been wonderful: helping me make sense of things and keep a sense of proportion when all I really wanted to do was take up permanent residence under the duvet.

I was very busy most of last week, finishing off editing wedding photos. The couple have them now, and I'm really hoping they are happy. We gave them a complimentary DVD with a selection of images set to music. I just found these nice DVD presentation cases online to put the disks in; looks so much nicer than a plain jewel case!

Mothers Day was lovely; the girls bought me some toiletries and a charm for my bracelet. But the most emotional moment for me was when Sian came to tell me poor Jade Goody had died. She hugged me and told me she didn't know what she'd do without me! Bless her. I always miss my mum so much on Mothers Day.

Poor Jade! I wasn't a fan but the thought of her dying so young, leaving those two beautiful little boys, is heart-breaking, and on Mothers Day too.

This beautiful ceiling is in one of the buildings on Liverpool's waterfront. I really love the design and the colour. Lower down (not visible here) there is that wonderful quotation
"They that go down to the sea in ships, that do business in great waters:
These see the works of the Lord, and his wonders in the deep."
Psalms (ch. CVII, v. 23-24)
I always get very emotional when I read that as my dad used to quote that to me - he was a sailor and always said he felt closer to God on the bridge of his ship, battling great waves, than he ever did in a church!

Not much new to say today - I'm busy editing photos from the wedding and catching up on chores before RDA this afternoon. J & I had a lovely long walk this morning :)

I almost forgot...we have frogspawn! Must be SOME frogs still alive & kicking in our pond after all!

How life feels...
I took this photo in St George's Hall. for some reason, looking at it today, it feels like my life feels! Well, I'm not saying that my life feels exactly as if I'm walking down a corridor which dead-ends in a potted plant! But there is something about all those doors...what's behind them?? The splash of light half-way down the corridor is making me think that however confined the route there's always a glimmer of hope to be found....

I didn't blog last week, mainly as I was in an ever increasing state of pre-wedding nerves before Saturday's shoot. However, it is now behind me, the next one isn't until Easter Saturday, and I can relax a little for now, although I have around 1000 images to edit over the next two weeks.

I've also been in a bit of a weird state of mind. I can't explain or describe it as I can't really put my finger on it myself. I'm worried about so many things I'm almost driving myself demented!

Not that long ago I was thinking of renaming this blog "The former compulsive worrier" as I thought I'd almost cured myself; bit previous in thinking that I'm now realising!

I've been busy, too, the wedding took up all of Saturday, Sunday we took Sian riding and in the afternoon A and I went over to Leeds to see the couple who are marrying on Easter Saturday. They are a lovely couple, both gorgeous, fun and really pleasant and the wedding itself sounds great - I'm looking forward to it! Today I went to Crewe Hall with A as I'm doing a wedding there at the end of May. a really fabulous location; I got a crick in my neck staring at all the elaborate ceilings and the wealth of carving everywhere.

Fairy cake..

After a very busy week, we are just chilling and doing domestic duties (like baking!) today.

Yesterday we made a quick visit to Peckforton Castle to check it out before the wedding we are doing next weekend. Phil had to make an urgent phone call to work and I wandered around outside. They have recently started to have birds of prey at the castle and presently the falconer came out and we got chatting. I met a few of the birds including Ollie the barn owl.

So I was VERY intrigued to see THIS story in the newspaper today! Please check it out to see what a starring role Ollie & Peckforton Castle are going to play in a famous Manchester United footballer Rio Ferdinand's wedding!!!

Brrrrr - seems to have gone very chilly suddenly today! I'm sitting on the sofa with a rug round me trying not to shiver. The photo is of my two blue glass bottles from spain and rain on the window, reflected in my granite work surface.

It's been such a busy few days. On Sunday we all went over to Wilmslow to have Sunday dinner with friends G & G ....mmm, lovely food! I took along my sticky toffee pudding by special request.

On Monday Phil and I went to FOCUS at the NEC in Birmingham. It was an interesting day although busy and crowded there. We met up with a few friends there including Caroline, adding a touch of glamour to the place as usual! Sadly all we bought was insurance....no nice new cameras or lenses!!

Yesterday I was back at work (still no news on the forthcoming closures) and today I went for a long walk with Jane, visited my photography boss Andy and then went to RDA. Phil & were supposed to be going to an inter-club competition (photography) tonight but he's stuck in work and can't get back to pick me up. I'm actually not sorry; I'm really tired.

Phil missed pancake night yesterday because he was stuck in a meeting and had to get a later train :(

I'm still really anxious, worrying about everything, fighting these massive waves of panic that keep sweeping over me. I wish I knew how to cope with this. I just don't know what to do...

A day out in Liverpool...

As it was the last day of half-term we decided to go over to Liverpool for the day with the girls. Phil had found out that St George's Hall was open with it's famous floor uncovered; this is quite a rare happening. Despite being life long residents of the area we'd never been inside this wonderful building nor seen the floor. It was only £1 to get in with under 16's free - a real bargain as there was loads to see. Best of all there were no restrictions on photography! I took loads! Above is the main hall with some of the mosaic floor visible. I love how the columns gleam in the light.

This is St George himself, I think! Very stern he looks too.

Two of the wonderful stained-glass windows; the colours are spectacular.

There is lots of interesting detail everywhere; these acorns are in the great hall too and
very lovely.

We also fitted in a bit of shopping and lunch and then wandered down to the Pier Head which has changed a lot with the Leeds/Liverpool canal now running through it. It's not finished yet but should be amazing when it is. The Museum of Liverpool building, due to be finished next year, also looks really promising.

We finished our day with a wander through India Buildings and down the old pedestrian entrance to James Street Station - this long sloping passageway is unchanged from when I used it 30 years ago when I worked in Liverpool - it felt as if I was stepping back in time!

Track day at Oulton Park

On Wednesday I went along to a track day at Oulton Park in Cheshire with my photography boss Andy and his family. His two sons race Porsches (the eldest won a championship last season!) I've always wondered what it would be like to drive around a race track really fast and this was my chance!

The race car doesn't have a passenger seat so Andy drove me round the course in his own Porsche. I had to wear a helmet: I felt like one of the Homepride flour sifter guys with that on my head. I was totally TERRIFIED before we set off; I was scared I'd be sick or scream or otherwise disgrace myself. Anyway, I totally LOVED it, it was really exciting.

I'm photographing the wedding of one of the other drivers on Easter Saturday (Adam) - his fab car is the one at the bottom of this post.

Andy's two sons with the race car.

Gorgeous black car!

Car on the track...

Cool blue Porsche


Adam's car

What a fantastic day I had - huge thanks to Andy, Marie and their sons. And to Sian who came too and took MUCH better photos of moving cars than I did!

I have spent a lot of time lately knitting tea cosies. I'm not a very skilled knitter - in fact, proper knits usually laugh at the way I knit!- but I find knitting relaxing and therapeutic. I learned to knit tea cosies from my grandma when I was young and recently got the urge to knit them again. I searched the net for a similar pattern to hers using blocks of colour and drawing the wool across the back to make a quilted effect. Isn't the internet wonderful? I found one :)

We now have far too many cosies but I can't seem to stop knitting them. Once the weather picks up I'll stop though as I only knit in cold weather.

I'm off most of this week as it's half-term; I'm looking forward to it. Work has been both busy and stressful lately. Now we know the closures are going ahead but none of the practicalities of how it's going to go ahead. Very unsettling!

Valentine's Day was lovely despite me being at work all day. We had a Chinese takeaway with the girls; and Phil and I shared a bottle of rose.I'd bought him some DVDs; he got me a charm and a clip for my bracelet. The charm was a teapot :)

Happy Valentine's Day to Phil
with all my love xxxxx

Here's to us, one more toast and then we'll pay the bill
Deep inside both of us can feel the autumn chill
Birds of passage, you and me
We fly instinctively
When the summer's over and the dark clouds hide the sun
Neither you nor I'm to blame when all is said and done

In our lives we have walked some strange and lonely treks
Slightly worn but dignified and not too old for sex
We're still striving for the sky
No taste for humble pie
Thanks for all your generous love and thanks for all the fun
Neither you nor I'm to blame when all is said and done

It's so strange when you're down and lying on the floor
How you rise, shake your head, get up and ask for more
Clear-headed and open-eyed
With nothing left untried
Standing calmly at the crossroads,no desire to run
Theres no hurry any more when all is said and done

Standing calmly at the crossroads,no desire to run
There's no hurry any more when all is said and done

by ABBA

It took me four hours to drive to work today due to the motorway being closed because of ice. The journey normally takes 40 minutes. The majority of those four hours were spent in the stretch of motorway between Ellesmere Port and Overpool. After crawling along in first gear for over 3 hours and lots of clutch use, my bad ankle is swollen and aching.

Work is utterly depressing too with lots of questions from the public about when the 11 libraries are closing, what will happen to the book stock, what will happen to the staff/the furniture/the buildings/the computers etc etc. I have to keep saying I don't know because I don't! I have NO IDEA what will happen on 31st March!

On a lighter note, was in the card shop today looking at Valentines Day cards. So was another lady; we looked at cards, replaced them, read verses, considered pictures...in came two young lads - straight up to the display, grabbed a card each "Sorted"! exclaimed one guy with satisfaction. "You can't just grab the first card you see!" said the browsing lady with horror! "Oh yes we can!" he replied. Off they went, leaving me and t'other lady reflecting on the differences between middleaged women and young men!!

If I look at this photo long enough, maybe I'll be smiling too?

My anxiety levels are really high and I honestly need to pick myself up by the scruff of the neck and give myself a bloody good shaking. I'm sick and tired of being so negative, such a coward. I'm getting on my own nerves!

Decisions may be made tonight about the fate of the library service in Wirral. I think we are all tired of the uncertainty and just want to know the worst so we can face it head-on.

Akelamalu tagged me to post the 4th photo in my fourth folder and write about it!

This was taken in July 2005 at Chester Zoo. I can't really remember that particular visit as I go to the Zoo quite often but I think it was a get-together with someone I'd met via a photography forum. The photo was taken with his camera - I can tell from the exif data as it's a Canon and I have never used a Canon. He had a long lens on the camera that day and I remember how hard it was to hold it steady! It was nice to do this meme as I'd totally forgotten about these photos and this one is actually rather sweet! I really like the otters at Chester Zoo. They are very entertaining, especially at feeding time. I remember going to an otter sanctuary in Cornwall and being enthralled by the otters there and longing to pick one up and cuddle him. The keeper told us that one day he decided to stroke an especially "friendly" otter with whom he'd built quite a rapport - so he thought. He nearly lost a thumb in the process!!

I tend not to tag anyone, but if any readers would like to do this meme please let me know - it's fun to look back in your files at old photos; you don't know what you'll find!

Along with the duck/buddha image and a couple of others, this photo has been entered in the latest Photography Club competition.

I've had a lovely day - a bit of a lie in and the chance to finish my book, some baking and cooking, then I took my neighbour's dog for a walk. Afternoon was RDA. The sun shone the whole time we were out with the horses; it was glorious.

I've been offered two wedding bookings from A which is both exciting and terrifying in equal measure. I'm longing for the day that I don't get so bloody TERRIFIED doing weddings. I suppose the answer is to do more until I get immune to the fear?

It's SO COLD; I'm shivering as I type this! Time for a nice hot shower i think!

It's snowing! we had a little overnight but now there is more coming down. I'm probably off for a walk in it soon.

My buddha is still laughing but his friend looks pretty miserable!