For my mum Edwina Rose - so much missed and loved, every day of my life. I am sorry I let you down the way I did.I hope you can forgive me. I love you, Mum xxx

And for June, my dearly loved mother-in-law. Get well, dearest June, we need and love you so much. xxx

Mother

Mother is just a little girl who trod my path before me;
Just a bigger wiser little girl who ran ahead.
Bigger, stronger, wiser girl who always watches o'er me.
One who knows the pitfalls in the rugged road I tread.

Mother is a playmate who will always treat me kindly -
Playmate who will yield me what true happiness demands.
She will never let my feet stray into brambles blindly -
Mother's just a bigger little girl who understands.

Mother is an older little playmate who'll befriend me -
Yesteryear she travelled in the path that's mine today.
Never need I fear a foe from which she may defend me -
Faithful little pal who ran ahead and learned the way.

Author Unknown

Mother's Day is always bittersweet for me. I so wish Mum was still here to share this day with me and the grand-daughters she never got to know.

I am feeling very guilty as I have been very bad at commenting on blogs lately - I do apologise. I have been visiting you all and keeping up with what's going on but somehow the extra effort involved in posting a comment has been a step too far for me - I'm shattered. Everything seems to require huge amounts of energy and I have been working quite a few extra hours which have soaked up a lot plus I'm trying to get back into my exercise routine.

The housework is building up and the spring sunshine is really cruel, showing up all the dirt and dust accumulating everywhere. I need to do massive amounts of cleaning but i can't find the time or the energy!

My "To Do" list keeps getting longer; i have stuff to do at work, for the business, in the house and on a personal level. Help!!

On the positive side; I'm enjoying (well, LOVING) riding again. Life is ok, fab at times...but I haven't enough hours in the day for stuff.

I'll make sure I'm a better blog friend in future; I promise!

On Saturday I finally got the email I'd been waiting for - to tell me that our latest couple are happy with their photos. The feelings of relief and delight that follow are almost overwhelming. The fear that you will let down a couple on their "big day" is so intense - and this couple were SO special. We were also extra nervous as it was a winter wedding in a very dark location so we had to be extra creative with lighting and use new equipment we'd bought specially for this day.

I'm really happy this week for another reason; I'm off work :) Well, my other job, I hope to do some work in the photography line as well as copious amounts of my beloved pottering, maybe with a bit of de-cluttering thrown in for good measure :)

Valentine's Day was lovely: Phil got me the nicest card EVER and a heart-shaped charm for my bracelet which is now, sadly, FULL! I got him 2 series of ER on DVD. We didn't do much (I pottered in the garden, Phil on the computer) and eventually I cooked a romantic Tandoori chicken dinner for 3 (me, Phil & Kate, Sian was out) Then we watched TV and went to bed.

We have been through our share of really bad times but just now things are pretty OK and I love him excessively! not bad after almost 27 years of being together...

No doubt this post will jinx us and soon I'll be writing about how terrible our marriage is! But right now I'm a very happy bunny.

I have waited several months before writing this post....

Back in October, we went away for a week's holiday. We went to a place we've stayed at several times before. It's neither excessively expensive nor cheap - middle of the range prices. We had an apartment.

On my arrival, I did what I usually do, check the beds. I'm checking for clean sheets and pillows, no nasty stains on the mattresses, that sort of thing. All was pristine; indeed the apartments had clearly undergone facelifts since our last visit, the kitchen was new and very posh. We unpacked and settled down happily for our first night.

The next morning I noticed one or two tiny spots of blood on the white sheets. This wasn't especially unusual as both P and I have dry skin which we sometimes scratch until we bleed a little.

The following morning P got up early to photograph the dawn. I was dozing in bed in the early light and suddenly noticed a small insect crawling over the pillow. Instinctively i flicked it away, but I was unsettled. I then sat up and threw back the covers.

There were several bright red drops of blood plus some smears of a brownish colour. I checked my self and could see no raw spots, yet several of the blood spots were my side of the bed. Then I noticed another insect and trapped it under a waterglass. A memory stirred - watching a bit of a BBC TV show about bedbugs flashed into my mind - and I KNEW that was what I was seeing.

P returned, called a member of staff and he agreed it was probably a bedbug. He offered to move us to another unit and we agreed. Before we moved we washed every bit of our clothing, dried and ironed it. On the last morning with a horrible sense of deja-vu I saw blood on the sheets and a bloated bug on the headboard. Our drive home was very silent.

We unpacked in the garage, stripped off the clothes we were wearing into binbags and showered/washed our hair. Our luggage was sprayed with bug killer and stored in the garage. We sprayed and Hoovered the car. All clothes were washed and dried and ironed again.

Then I went online. Bedbugs are on the rise all over the world. If you bring them home they can infest your house and are really hard to eradicate. It doesn't matter where you stay - top hotels all over the world have become homes to bedbugs. They can go a year without feeding and breed really fast. Some people have terrible reactions to the bites, others don't.

For several months after returning home, I woke up many times a night, compelled to check the bed. I was a nervous wreck. I cannot describe the horror of fearing YOUR OWN BED, your sanctuary, being infested with biting insects. Those brown smears? Bedbug excrement!

I am writing this to warn you. Most people don't admit to encounters with bedbugs. It fills you with shame and disgust and you feel dirty.You don't want to broadcast it. If you travel, I urge you to check your beds VERY carefully before you sleep in them. Pull off all bedding and examine the mattresses. Check in crevices and behind headboards - the internet has a number of sites with photos telling you what to look out for. Put luggage on stands and DON'T UNPACK until you are sure there are no bugs. I would advise putting clothes in ziplock bags for extra safety. If you find bugs I'd just leave. But make sure you tell the staff.

You DO NOT want to bring these creatures home with you. At the very least you'll face an expensive exterminator's fee - several visits will be necessary. You could find yourself having to replace beds, furniture and carpets/curtains.

You may never encounter a bedbug. I hope to God I never will again. My skin crawls at the thought of them and I'll never settle down in a strange bed again, without wondering if there is something else in there with me besides my husband!

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone!

I normally like to post a poem for Phil on Valentine's Day and here is one by Carol Ann Duffy. I had the pleasure of meeting and photographing Carol Ann Duffy at our Bookfest in October - she's an amazing person and if you ever get the chance to hear her read, don't miss it!

Valentine by Carol Ann Duffy

Not a red rose or a satin heart.

I give you an onion.
It is a moon wrapped in brown paper.
It promises light
like the careful undressing of love.

Here.
It will blind you with tears
like a lover.
It will make your reflection
a wobbling photo of grief.

I am trying to be truthful.

Not a cute card or a kissogram.

I give you an onion.
Its fierce kiss will stay on your lips,
possessive and faithful
as we are,
for as long as we are.

Take it.
Its platinum loops shrink to a wedding-ring,
if you like.

Lethal.
Its scent will cling to your fingers,
cling to your knife.


Love you so much, Phil!

I'm regressing to my childhood....every morning recently I've woken up very frightened thinking "I want my mum"! How bizarre is THAT? I'm not far off fifty and my mum has been dead for 20 years but ...I guess I still need her. I would really love to have a huge, cleansing, full-throttle CRYING SESSION followed by a great big cuddle from Mum - who wouldn't do anything much, just let me get it all out.

I've been SO down since January; really struggling to hold things together. Just out of interest I've revisited my blog posts for February last year and find that I was anxious and stressed and down then too - re-reading those posts has somehow been very comforting - I find myself able to say (and believe) that "this too will pass".

Anyway, I was going to write a really cathartic post about how bloody miserable and anxious and tearful I am but realising I wrote all that a mere 12 months ago has sort of put me off. Instead I'll try to dredge up some shreds of POSITIVITY (not optimism, I don't do optimism!) The months of January & February are not particularly cheering in any case, are they? I usually try to enjoy each day (yeah, RIGHT, good luck with that, as Sian would say!)but I do feel these gloomy weeks are barely endurable. I hate to look out and see my garden covered in dead foliage and slimy green moss encroaching everywhere. Time to get my vegetable growing book out and start planning for spring plantings I think.

Last week at work was really REALLY horrible but looking back I can (sort of) see there were some good parts. Like how kind some people were, how supportive. I also managed to get through it, although I can tell you that on Friday morning I REALLY didn't want to get out of bed, let alone leave the bedroom, far less the actual house!

I suppose the old cliche about what doesn't kill you making you stronger has some truth in it after all.

Thanks to everyone who took the trouble to comment on my "I quit!" post! I am so grateful for knowing I'm not alone and also for the helpful suggestions. Things have improved a little on the home front since then and family relations are fairly cordial again :)

That's it, I quit. My job. Not my job in the library - no, that earns me a salary each month, I'm part of a team and I have the satisfaction of helping people who by and large are grateful and appreciative. I'm not quitting the wedding photography job either. It's stressful and it's a lot of effort but it's rewarding when the happy couple are pleased with what you've done for them. Nor my voluntary job with RDA which pays me back in spades with the sense of helping disadvantaged people get a bit more out of life...

No, the job I'm quitting is unpaid in any monetary way and I don't get any thanks for it either. It's general maid, cook, chaueffeur and dogsbody to two teenage princesses who barely lift a finger unless it's to tap keys on the computer. I have begged and pleaded for minimum amounts of help - the occasional cup of tea, the occasional push around of the Hoover. That cups and plates be removed to the kitchen. I don't even ask them to do dishes.It would mean SO MUCH to me, just those little bits of help.

But they toil not, neither do they spin. And I've had it. I quit.

Now because I want to fatten you all up on this delicious treat (because there’s no way I’ll be getting thinner by eating it), I’ll share my secret recipe. Mix two cans of condensed milk (or one super sized can) with two tablespoons of butter and three tablespoons of chocolate powder. Simple eh! Of course there’s debate about whether butter or margarine works better and whether you should use sweetened drinking chocolate powder that already contains sugar and powdered milk or plain cocoa powder. Butter tastes better (and tends to not to leave a greasy residue if you accidentally use too much) and the best chocolate I’ve found so far is Sainsbury’s basics drinking chocolate.

Once you have everything mixed in a large bowl, chuck in in the microwave for two minutes then give it a stir. Do that twice more to get the heat up and then go for one minute at a time and keep on stirring. By this point you’ll see why you need to use a large bowl because the mixture grows really quickly as it’s heated. They say it’s ready once the mixture doesn’t stick to the sides of the bowl anymore, but that all depends on how you’re going to eat it.

The right way is to let the mixture cool and then roll it into small balls (margarine/butter on your hands stops it sticking so much) and then to cover in chocolate sprinkles. Of course if you’re just going to sit at home and eat it in front of the tv, then leave it in the bowl and pour the sprinkles on top. Just make sure you have a strong spoon.

10 things that make me happy - in NO PARTICULAR ORDER!!!(tagged by Incessant Ramblings)

1. Animals - my cats Basil & Shea. I wrote a whole post about them the other day. They bring so much laughter and love to my life. I'd be lost without them. The horses at the stables where Sian rides and I do RDA..... I love everything about horses, the smell, the sound, the feel of them. A wonderful cure for stresses and worries. Any passing friendly dog in the street who will let me stop him for a cuddle and a quick chat.

2. My camera. At long last I have found a creative outlet in my life. It's also something I can share with Phil, after years and years of it being something he did that just annoyed the hell out of me!! I have met some great friends through photography and I've also managed to earn some money out of wedding photography. This stresses the hell out of me but the high you get when the couple love their photos is unbelievable. I love how my camera (s) look & feel - like friends.

3. My husband Phil (is he a thing??) we've had plenty of ups and downs but he is my rock. Not the affectionate or romantic type, he's nevertheless the centre of my world.When things are crap he helps me put things in perspective. He's my opposite in many ways which is just as well, as one like me in any relationship is more than enough!

4. The cinema. Oh, I love the movies! The thrill of settling down in your big comfy seat as the lights dim and the Pearl & Dean music starts. I like films generally but seeing them in the cinema is the best.

5. The first day of a holiday. It's great, you've unpacked and the whole holiday is still ahead. All that anticipation. it's hard to beat.There have been no disappointing days, no cries of "I'm bored!" or "Not ANOTHER National Trust house, PLEASE!!!" After about a week of a two-week break I start to get depressed about the holiday being nearly over! Christmas Eve has that same joyful anticipation untainted by grim reality. Maybe what I'm really saying makes me happy is ANTICIPATION!

6. The colour blue. I just love it. I am so drawn to blue in photos, pictures, scenes. Blue sea, blue skies, blue eyes...blue flowers, so rare and so varied. Blue light as in the photo above.

7. Pottering - oh, I could write a book on the joys of pottering. Pottering (as opposed to vegging out) is how I like to relax. I am known to hug myself and do a little dance of glee with the prospect of a day's pottering ahead of me. Indoor pottering (tidying kitchen cupboards or going through my wardrobe, a bit of gentle baking, maybe cleaning the silver & brass)or outdoor pottering (weeding, planting flowers in pots, pruning)Never underestimate the potential pleasures of a day with nothing much to do and all day to do it in. The fact that it is rare that I don't have a whole list of urgent tasks to cram into a couple of hours makes it all the more joyfilled.

8. Our home. When I read on the news about people losing their homes it fills me with horror. I know that things are just things and life is about more than possessions but my home is my haven, my safe refuge. It's just an ordinary little house on an ordinary little street in an unremarkable village in Cheshire, but it's HOME.

9. My daughters. Well, they sometimes read my blog and if I left them out while putting the cats IN they'd give me hell. Last night for some reason we got out the baby photo albums. How is it possible those two cute and cuddly babies are now beautful teenagers? (and as a sidenote how is it possible I have had so many bad hairdos and pairs of glasses???) I was never the maternal type, didn't really like or understand children, I had my first baby rather because it seemed to be expected. I rather enjoyed being pregnant but nothing prepares you for the shock of actually producing a whole other person, does it? After a couple of shaky years I settled into motherhood and now I am astonished only at how much I love them. And how happy they make me. I like them both so much too.

10. The internet. Yes, I know it can be a thing of evil but it has brought ME so much happiness. Friendships for one - some of my closest friends live on other continents, I would never have met them without the internet. Imagine...my life without K, A and T - no, I can't imagine it! The friends I've made through blogging and online forums, the fun of Facebook - the internet is like a window on the world. So much information so readily available. I can shop at midnight in my dressing gown, check weather reports and cinema times - amazing! I could equally write a post about why the internet makes me unhappy but today I'm looking on the positive side of life - for once!

Now I've reached the end I'm thinking of all the other things I could have mentioned like friends, work, volunteering, books, music, walks, margaritas....I could go on and on. Life is really full of things that make me happy and it's nice to be reminded of that from time to time. I'm only going to tag Quiet Rage as she is so great at telling us what makes her cross but if anyone else fancies doing this, please let me know so i can read your choices.

Yesterday afternoon and evening we had a lot of snow! Phil, Sian and I all love snow and went out for a walk in the evening. It was magical - there were a few other mad souls out, throwing snow balls and building snowmen. It's funny to see how grown men can suddenly get very primitive when it comes to a snowball battle!!!!

This morning Phil & I got up before sunrise and walked round and up Helsby Hill. The girls weren't going into school and I don't work Wednesdays; Phil decided to work from home. Our walk was just wonderful - words fail me to describe it - when the sun came up and shone across the snow covered fields and lit up the bare branches of trees heavily laden with snow....well, it was so beautiful it was almost too much!

Snow transforms the mundane into something out of this world. I know the snow is hazardous and has caused chaos across the UK but I'm still in awe of the magnificence of a snow-covered landscape.

Phil took today's photo; I didn't take my camera in case i fell over in the snow and smashed it (not goid when we have a wedding in less than two weeks!)

Later this afternoon I went to TESCO - Kate fainted in the snow and told me only a Krispey Kreme donut would make her better so off I set like the loving mum I (sometimes!) am! I was astonished to find the shelves bare of semi-skimmed milk and lots of people going out with bags cat litter (supposedly a good substitute for grit!)- the papers are right, panic-buying is going on! I was also taken aback to see my first hot cross buns!! It is still only January, right?

I am NOT looking forward to going to work tomorrow, especially as our heating has packed in. Should be an interesting trip, to say the least...

Happy New Year to my fellow bloggers!

All the decorations are down the house looks bare and the girls are back at school. I can't believe how fast the holidays have gone. Parts of Christmas were great, others not so good, I suppose that's true of every year. I feel a bit low, though, now it's all over.

It contines very cold here although we haven't had much snow. We drove into Wales yesterday and found loads of the stuff - I'm quite jealous! But it was -5C when I went out this morning even here in Helsby.

I've got a bad cold but at least it held off until after New Year to really get going. So it didn't spoil the party on New Year's eve or the visit of Phil's parents on Jan 1st.

I've just opened a business account for my photography. It all feels really "official"! our nest wedding is in just under 2 weeks and already the nerves/fear are kicking in!

Basil

Shea

As I'm working tomorrow this will be my last blog post before Christmas. And I am going to dedicate it to Basil & Shea, the two furry members of the Mann household.

As I look back on the year almost ending, I can remember the ups and downs, the fun and the sadness - nothing unusual there. The latter part of 2009 has certainly held at lot of sorrow for our family and we face 2010 with a great deal of trepidation. But through everything, there has been the constant companionship and joy of our two cats.

I'm lucky enough to have two great jobs, a lovely extended family, kind and loyal friends. And I am so grateful to them all. But today I'm saying a huge "thank you" to Basil and Shea who literally bring love, laughter and fun into every single day. They are "only cats" yet they mean so much to all of us. They are "only cats" but they are truly members of our family.

I was brought up with dogs and never lived with a cat until my marriage. For 17 years we had two cats and my beloved dog, Charlie. I hope one day I'll have a dog again. I used to think cats were aloof, distant creatures, lovely but cold. You needed a dog, I felt, for love, loyalty, companionship.

But....You could not meet two more loving, loyal and companionable animals than B & S. Basil is rotund, genial and extremely excentric; he talks a lot, chews things like a dog and has to be with you; if we are not around he joins my neighbour for a chat and stroke. Shea is delicate, fastidious, likes to play fetch and is slightly needy yet ventures further than his mate in his explorations round the neighbourhood. He too loves to be close. He loves to come for a long cuddle under the duvet with me every morning. They live with us because they choose to, no fences keep them in, nothing compels them to stay with us most of the time.

I'm not stupid; I know my cats aren't people; I don't want them to be. They are cats. They are great cats - the best cats in MY world. They make us very happy. They cheer us up when the gloom descends. We all love them very much. And they love us.

So thank you, my feline pals, for being there, for being are friends.

Finally.....A very Merry Christmas to all my blog friends; who make life so much brighter every day for this compulsive worrier; bless you all and keep you safe this festive period.

Feeling festive

I have really enjoyed the last three days; I've been off work and indulging in my favourite occupation of "pottering" and Christmas pottering at that!It's nice to have some extra time to get stuff done at a leisurely pace instead of at ninety miles an hour.

I've even got all of Phil's gifts wrapped; normally i'm doing THAT on Christmas Eve. We put the tree and all the decorations up on Saturday but as usual our bloody fairy lights are temperamental and keeping going off. I get in a total panic at the idea of a dark tree on Christmas Day so I went out on Monday and bought a spare set of lights...then paranoia set in! What if THOSE lights also failed, said the neurotic little voice in my head??? What will you do then, hmmm? So, off I went today and bought ANOTHER set of lights and if the little voice starts up again I'm going to do my best to ignore it!

This photo is a reflection (on wet pavement) of Liverpool's big wheel. When Phil & I had our Christmas shopping day the other week I took along my new camera and risked being searched by the police to take a few pics.

We had friends round on Sunday which was lovely and on Monday night it was the RDA helpers party which was great as always. Last night was our work Christmas "do" which was a brilliant night, full of fun and frivolity and laughter; I'm so lucky I have such great colleagues to work with. Tonight I'm home but on Thursday after work I'm meeting up with my local girlfriends for Christmas drinks and Secret Santa; I wonder who will get the nipple tassels THIS year?? Friday is a festive lunch with our Friday morning reading group, then Monday next week is our photographic society Christmas party which I seem to be organising and on Tuesday I'm meeting up with Annie in Chester for lunch and in the evening it's dinner with an old mate. You'd think I had a great social life but honestly; the rest of the year is pretty much a party-free zone!



On Sunday morning Phil decided to get up for dawn and as dawn isn't exactly early this month I decided to go with him. We drove out to Loggerheads and although it wasn't exactly stunning photographically it was great to be up and about before the sun and taking some photos. This is one of mine.

Well, must go, time to potter some more...

There are some events that make you realise exactly what is and isn't important in life. This blog is called the compulsive worrier because that is what I do, most of the time. I don't really know why - but I am the sort of person who worries if she has nothing to worry about.

Today Sian came off her horse during a riding lesson. For once Phil hadn't come with us as he was nipping into Chester to pick up the very last pair of size 7 Converse trainers in Sole Trader for Sian's Christmas present. As we headed off to the riding school I realised I hadn't got my phone but didn't go back for it as I assumed I wouldn't need it.

Sian was riding Bruno, my favourite horse. He's a gentle and loving horse but he can get overexcited sometimes during lessons. He squealed and shied at nothing a couple of times, but another horse was the one we were all watching as he raced round the school at top speed! Sian was riding really well and coping with B's occasional strange manoeuvres. Until during a canter he bucked once, unseated her, then bucked again and swerved on landing. She so very nearly stayed on but didn't....I watched in horror as she fell off and landed head-first. Everything stopped....

Sian's instructor was holding her head and neck still as she lay crumpled on the ground. The first aider arrived and we decided to call an ambulance as Sian was complaining of head, back and neck pain. I had to borrow a phone to call home and leave a message as I couldn't remember Phil's mobile number and Kate was out too.

Phil met us at the hospital and after x-rays we were told Sian was just badly bruised. She had been really brave and cheerful but was clearly scared. The worst point for Sian was that her much loved Hollister hoodie had to be cut off her!

The staff at the hospital were great, as were the riding school staff.

All sorts of thoughts went through my head while we were waiting to find out how Sian was. I had put off letting Sian ride for two years before I caved in - as a rider myself, i know it's a dangerous sport and that horses are unpredictable, even the best of them. I was wondering if I should have given in and let her start. I'm so proud of her riding skills; and that she shares my love of horses. I wondered if I was living my own dreams through Sian and putting her at risk. All the usual sort of guilty stuff you think when your child's been hurt.

I realised anew that my family and friends are the dearest things in the world to me and the only things worth worrying about. I'm so thankful for the good care Sian received today and grateful beyond words that she's going to be ok.

A favourite flower...

It's been a wet and dreary November week, so far it has been a busy Saturday and I'm sitting here at the computer feeling fed up to the back teeth of Christmas and IT'S NOT EVEN DECEMBER YET!!!

My friend Annie has written a great post about the food adverts on TV driving her mad and it's true; it's relentless! The supermarkets are stuffed to the gills with party food and drink and we are all being urged by the minute to buy buy BUY! Are we not in recession? Is the financial meltdown not about to continue with all this trouble in Dubai? Just forget it and go and buy a million mini-toad in the holes in ASDA!

I used to really love Christmas; many of my favourite memories are to do with Christmas. My mum and dad used to decorate my bedroom and tell me the fairies had done it while I was at school/college/work and this went on until I was (I admit it!) 25! The first few Christmasses after we had kids were especially wonderful and even now I'll say Christmas Eve is my favourite day of the year. But these days Christmas starts so early that I'm bored with it before it even arrives.

Here are some things I hate about Christmas:

• Christmas decorations going up ANYWHERE before 1st December. Our TESCO had it's tree up in October. Someone down the road has already got their outside lights up and switched on. In December, it's wonderful. But not before!
  
• Christmas stuff in the shops in August. Primark start selling their Christmas range then, I promise you...
• People who struggle round the supermarket pushing TWO trolleys heaped with stuff on Christmas Eve, WHY???????? The shops are usually open again on Boxing Day....who are they feeding?
  
• "Santa stop here" signs. God, I HATE these. I want to pull down each one I see and snap it into little bits. But i have no idea why...they affect me they way those "Baby on Board" car stickers do...
• Christmas food and drink adverts. We are getting fatter. We don't need encouraging to eat MORE.
• Those big boxes of Roses, Quality Street, Celebrations and Heroes. I cannot resist them. Yet there are around 55 calories in each bloody chocolate...and they lurk everywhere at Christmas.
• Gift sets of obscure toiletries with scents like "Winter Musk" - ugh.
• Those magazine features on "Perfect gifts for him/her". One I read recently featured a dinky vanity case for her for £700!! Plus a suggestion that hubbys buy their wives a "weekend spa voucher" to help them "recover after the festivities"...I'd like to see Phil's face if I suggested that to him!
• Christmas cards - buying them, writing them, displaying them. I quite like getting them, oddly enough!
• Wrapping presents. I can't do it. I have wrapping dyspraxia. And it seems such a waste of effort. What about those articles you read where people get all creative with raffia/brown paper etc and spray bay leaves gold to stick on the fab parcels ....makes me feel inadequate.
• Crowded shops full of Christmas shoppers in bad tempers- surely a foretaste of Hell? Thank God for internet shopping.
• Photocopied "round robin" Christmas letters from people you never see, full of arch boasting and one-up-manship.
• Getting out the tree lights - oh God, I can feel my IBS revving up as I type. The sick feeling in my stomach as Phil spreads them out, plugs them in and they FAIL TO LIGHT UP! The long period as he fiddles and twiddles with each bulb, while the girls and I sit in tense silence. The realisation that we have to go out and buy ANOTHER set of lights from an overcrowded garden centre YET AGAIN. When I was little we had the same two strings of lights every year; they never failed. It's weird...
• The way we seem to have avoid any possible religious element to Christmas in case we offend other faiths who I'm sure are far too sensible and secure in their own beliefs to care about ours!
• The word "Xmas".
• Doing aerobics to disco versions of Christmas carols ( it's just wrong and no fun at all!!) Bring back Beyonce & Lady Gaga
  

But despite all these things, there is a "something" about Christmas that still retains it's magic. I am, in my quiet way, a Christian, and the story of the nativity always fills me with joy and wonder. I love being with my family and friends, to eat and drink with them (but not until I'm in a stupor!) I love Christmas trees and Christmas lights and tinsel and all those tacky Christmas songs. I love carols and mince pies and filling stockings. Oh, and Jane's mince pies. Yum!!! They are THE BEST.

But not yet. It would be all the sweeter if it lasted only a couple of weeks instead of half a dozen.

Bah humbug...

I haven't blogged for ages; things have been quite frenetic here! This photo is by way of a tribute to Kerri who is one of my blog friends and the most wonderful nature and wildlife photographer. While we were in Kent this summer I spent ages trying to capture some butterflies, inspired by Kerri, who is a genius at this type of photography. In this dark, damp November, it's nice to look back on the summer sunshine we enjoyed in August!

My lovely mother in law has had her first chemo; it seemed to go ok and so far the side-effects have not been too bad. Please, keep her in your thoughts and prayers, as well as my sister in law in New Zealand who is at home recovering from a major operation.

We have had some good news this week; how nice it is to write that! Our niece Steph (daughter of sister in law in NZ) is expecting her first baby in May. We are all so excited for her.

You may have seen news coverage of the floods in Cumbria a couple of days ago. Our friends D and J live in Keswick and their home was flooded in 2005. Afterwards they had to live in a small caravan (trailer) on their drive for 8 months while their house was repaired. They run an animal rescue charity from their home and somehow they managed to keep this going.

Anyway, we heard on Friday that their home is flooded AGAIN. I am gutted for them. They have had a lot to deal with over the past few years and now this happens again. They are both in their sixties and not in the best of health. It all seems so unfair!

I'm trying to get my head around the approach of Christmas and we've done some shopping! Not surprisingly, we don't feel madly festive this year! I always miss mum and dad so much at Christmas; even after all these years it still hurts. However, with all that's happened lately I'm doing my best to be positive and count the many blessings we still have.

I have barely touched my new camera; isn't that shocking? I have been feeling so anxious I just haven't felt inspired to pick it up. I'm determined that's going to change over the next few days: besides I really need to get to grips with it before our next wedding in January.

Time for bed...

This week has been another roller-coaster of emotional ups and downs: I honestly don't really know how I'm feeling from one minute to the next! The photo shows Kate & Sian paddling in a river near Watendlath proving that even big girls of 16 & 14 can enjoy the pleasures of wading in wellies!

I bought a new camera this week. We have four wedding bookings already for next year and I don't think my little D40, which is really an entry-level DSLR, is up to some of the challenging lighting situations every wedding seems to throw up. As I have arthritis in my hands and shoulders, I have to be wary of how much a camera weighs, especially when my beloved (but heavy!) Sigma lens is attached to it. So I went for the D90, the updated version of the other camera I own, the D80.

We went into Chester on Saturday afternoon; it was frantically busy and I was amazed to see that Christmas shopping seems well underway already! I loathe the shops when it's busy and could feel myself getting crosser and crosser every time someone bashed me with their parcels! However, it did bring home to me that we haven't got long to buy stuff and so we did actually buy a few presents like perfume for the girls and a few stocking fillers. i have such mixed feelings about Christmas this year!

Colours of autumn

Sometimes tiny landscapes can be just as evocative as larger ones (if not more so!) To be honest I don't think my heart is in landscape photography. Phil is so much better than I am and he has the right sort of vision as well as patience! I prefer photographing people and I also enjoy cityscapes and detail shots as well as the quirky and the unusual. The photo above was taken in the garden of the cafe in Watendlath, a hamlet near Keswick.

Ullswater

Although our holiday was not a stress-free time we did enjoy a lot of happy hours together. This view of Ullwater was taken on the Monday, when we took the steamer to Howtown and then walked back along the lakeside. The walk was full of memories of my dog Charlie: I always felt it was one of his favourite walks. At times I could almost imagine him trotting ahead of me. I miss him so much, especially so in the Lakes, a place he adored. It was full of water and walks for him, absolute paradise! His ashes are scattered on the banks of Derwentwater; one day Phil & I will join him there.

Open-air ablutions?

Here's my quirky photo of the holiday, which was also taken in Watendlath. The walk from Surprise View is another favourite of mine, partly as it can incorporate a stop at the little cafe in the hamlet. We had very nice gingerbread this visit! The garden where you sit to enjoy your coffees and snacks is full of very bold chaffinches who demand crumbs with menaces! Phil called me over to show me this imaginative corner; I was only disappointed that they hadn't included a toilet!

It has been quite a busy week so far; on Monday I was in the middle of a major cleaning/tidying session at home when I was called into work as there was a staffing crisis! Tuesday wasn't much better as I had three staff off sick and one on leave! Who knows what tomorrow will bring? Today I did more of the cleaning/tidying (I am a bit obsessive about that right now!!!!) as well as Riding for the Disabled which as usual was fab and really lifted my spirits.

We went away for half-term to Keswick in the Lake District. It was not a perfect holiday by any means! Oh, there were good things about it (I always love us being together away from the Internet and satellite TV LOL!)like long walks and games of Scrabble and seeing our friends David & Joyce. Despite appalling weather forecasts every night, most days were dry and very mild.

However, there was one major problem that I simply can't blog about it; maybe one day it will become one of those family legends you all laugh about but right now it's just NOT FUNNY AT ALL!

Life feels so weird at the moment; all sorts of little things are going wrong, household appliances are breaking, things are just STRANGE. Underlying it all is the fact that three very close family members are ill, two of them very seriously. Compared to that everything else is just white noise; but the white noise seems to be a reflection of how things around us seem to be completely out of kilter....