At an angle...

I took this photo when we were in London. It's St Pancras Station and has not long been refurbished. I'm not usually one for quirky camera angles but I quite like this even though in retrospect I overdid the angle! Used sparingly they can be quite dynamic but I remember what another photographer once said on the subject "Too many quirky angles is a sign the photographer has run out of ideas..."

I love stations - like airports they always seem full of exciting possibilities and human emotion.

This past weekend was our August Bank Holiday which marks the end of summer for me even though there's often a chance of nice weather in September. The girls go back to school on Thursday and from next week I'll be back to my normal (longer) working hours again. Some things start up again, like RDA which I've really missed, and our local camera club.

We have the final wedding booked for this year on Saturday.

I've been busy de-cluttering the past few days; something I always find therapeutic. I even had a sort out of the garage. It's nice to think I'll be heading back to work with things reasonably organised and sorted in the house.

We watched the DVD "United 93" last night.

I can't stop thinking about it.

Sian

I missed Sian's trial ride in the next class up as I was working. Apparently she did very well - second part of the trial is jumping next week - will be there for that.

Today at work passed very quickly as I had lots to do. After next week I'll be back to my normal working hours - I have enjoyed these few weeks of working less and pottering more!

Kate is at a sleepover tonight so it's just the three of us and I think we're going to watch a film. I've had a glass of wine and am feeling MELLOW :)

Phil and I have been busy editing wedding photos; it's now 12.50 at night and I've just finished! I think my mouse hand is about to drop off!

Very proud...

Kate got 6 A*s and 5 As in her GCSEs. These included A*s in Chemistry, Biology, Physics & French.
Her dad had tears in his eyes - she has worked so hard and we are all thrilled for her :)

We photographed a wedding on Saturday and I got a big shock when the bride appeared in a beautiful Rolls Royce! She had told me they were not bothering with wedding cars but using taxis instead; so for a horrible moment I thought I was at the wrong wedding! Apparently her mum and dad had booked the Rolls as a surprise? Wasn't that lovely?

The day was not without incident! The low point was when i realised I'd left my camera bag in the ceremony room and it had been locked! I had both my cameras but all my spare memory cards and my phone were in the bag. Phil had to charge all over the place in sweltering heat to locate someone with a key. I was NOT popular.

Since then I have been busy editing photos and trying not to have a nervous breakdown! Sian's riding lesson on Sunday morning went very well and she has a trial promotion to the next ride up, which makes me very proud! A very busy day at work on Monday helped distract me from my worries and a really lovely day at Annie's yesterday did me the world of good. Annie's little girl is like bottled sunshine and she and Sian had lots of fun together. Annie also set up her studio lighting so we could have a little photography fun, with Sian as our model.

Today I've been shopping in Chester with the girls. It was a pretty grotty day, weather-wise, so a bit of retail therapy was just the ticket. I got two rather glam new bras plus matching knickers in the M&S sale for about a quarter of the original price :)

Tomorrow is GCSE results day and Kate is getting very anxious. I hope she and all her classmates and friends do really well; they have worked so hard!

Later...

Phil and I have had a good talk about my problem and he has persuaded me to not take any drastic action just yet! Thank goodness I have him.

I am so grateful to everyone who "listens" to me via this blog; your support means a lot!

Sorry for being such a total pain in the a*&%!! Again!

I have been aware for some time that I'm very unhappy and am not enjoying life nearly as much as I should be. I know why, I'm just not at all sure what I should do about it.

Today it all got too much for me and I know I can't carry on like this. One aspect of my life is blighting my every waking moment. I feel as if I'm walking around with my own personal black cloud over my head and all the joy is being sucked out of life. Even our recent lovely holiday was overshadowed by the worry and gloom I'm carrying around with me. I'm not sleeping well and when i do sleep , i have nightmares!

The trouble is it's not easy to fix and fixing it involves a certain amount of "giving up" and admitting that I've made a mistake. I feel like a failure and a coward .... But I honestly don't know how much longer I can function like this. I feel I'm wasting so much time when I could be happy with my family and friends.

I have tried and tried to beat these feelings but I can't - I just can't. I really don't know what to do - I just know I can't go on like this. The thing is, life can be short - you never know what's waiting round the corner. I feel like I'm wasting "right now" which is all any of us can be sure of - by being in a constant state of worry, anxiety and misery!

Sorry to be so down.

Guess what the highlight of Sian's holiday was?

This was taken at the Abercrombie & Fitch store in Saville Row, London.

This morning I went shopping with the girls to Cheshire Oaks. All I wanted were some new knickers from M&S but they didn't have the style I wanted in my size. I did buy some 99% cocoa Lindt chocolate though. I have "educated" myself into only eating small amounts of at least 70% and more often than not 85% dark choc instead of loads Cadbury's Dairy Milk and I have surprised myself by really enjoying it. It's funny how a little is satisfying wheras I could happily munch my way through a huge bar of CDM over a couple of days - just keeping on visiting the fridge for another chunk. I think it was the sugar I was craving rather than the chocolate. I have now almost eliminated sugar and caffeine from my diet, something I used to think would be Mission Impossible.

Some fellow Facebook users on the Harcombe Diet are apparently weighing themselves daily and they are making posts saying "up one pound today - must have been those tomatoes!" and similar things. I'm deliberately not weighing myself OR saying I'm trying to lose weight (although that would be nice!) but just trying to eat like a normal human being for the first time in my life. For as long as i can remember weight has been an issue and food has always been a source of guilt rather than pleasure. At my lightest I was about 8.5 stone, size 10 was loose on me and yet I STILL felt fat and ugly.

Today I was tempted to buy some scales but I don't want my life ruled by what number appears on the dial. Weight fluctuates daily due to water retention etc and daily weighing seems utterly pointless and demoralising to me. But I know if I start even weekly weighing, I'll have my week blighted if i've not lost or worse, actually GAINED weight! I'm quite capable of blighting my week with my own worries without weight gain adding to it! My clothes are getting gradually looser (hence need for new knickers!) and at some point I might get around to measuring myself - if I'm feeling brave!

I need to work out some sort of new exercise routine now I've had to leave the gym; but I'll wait until the girls are back at school for that.

Pots at Hever Castle in Kent

I took Kate off to visit a friend in a neighbouring village this morning and enjoyed the drive back through the lovely Cheshire countryside. I've been attacking the garden since then; very satisfying but I've had to call a halt as I've filled the brown garden stuff recycling bin plus an extra bag AND the compost bin! i've also cut the lawns, swept the drive and tidied the garage. Time for a sit down and a cuppa i think!

I am enjoying being back at home and pottering around in the garden; seeing how everything has grown while I've been away. But I'm sad the holiday is over. Phil is already stressed about returning to the hell that is his job and I'm worrying about our next weddings (I have recently lost ALL confidence in my ability to take decent photos...) Holidays always come to an end and you realise your problems and anxieties are still there waiting for you...there's no escape.


It's certainly cooler and windier here than it was in Kent! But there is no place like home, after all! We were quite relieved to be back in our own bed in our peaceful attic room with no traffic noise that first night, but Phil complained the mattress felt uncomfortably slanted. I ignored him for a bit until I suddenly remembered I'd hidden my earring box under his side of the bed just before going on holiday!!

I am very concerned about an awkward situation I've found myself in; I don't know what to do so for the moment I'm doing nothing! And hoping the right solution will come to me in time!

My dear MIL is having some health problems and we are all worried for her. Please remember her in your thoughts and prayers this week, if you can. I'd be so grateful!

I think this is my 600th post on this blog! When I started it I never thought i'd stick at it so long or that I'd meet so many interesting people through blogging!

The photo is one of my favourites, taken in New York. Not hard to guess where!

Technology can be a double-edged sword. I commented yesterday how I rather enjoyed 2 weeks without the internet. I got to read more and we all talked to each other a whole lot more! I recently read an article about how young children are suffering because of their parents addiction to Blackberries etc and how they are losing out as regards attention from their mums and dads. I thought this was very sad but also wondered how many parents of older kids get very frustrated by THEIR absolute necessity to be constantly texting or playing on hand-held computer games as well as being plugged into their mp3s. Parents get ignored too!

I'd be very wary of getting a phone with internet access as I think I'd find it far too addictive!

I have mixed feelings about mobile phones. Why do so many people insist on carrying on "text conversations" in social situations ? It drives me mad when you're trying to talk to someone and you have to keep stopping while they read their text and then reply. And this goes on and on...it's like there's an extra person there that I can't see or hear! I also hate it at work when I have to serve someone and they are talking on the phone and don't even acknowledge my existence...and as for those dozens of people I see using a phone while they are driving....!!!

I love blogging and quite like Facebook but Twitter is not for me.

(this image is from http://www.hoppingdowninkent.org.uk/intro4.php)

The wanderer returns...

We got back late last night from our holiday in Kent. We decided to travel back Friday night as Phil & Kate have Everton's first match of the season to attend and it was a good decision because we now have the whole weekend to recover from our holiday! We had a great time although I think the girls are starting to get to that age when holidays with mum and dad are a bit boring!

Our holiday home was bright, modern, and very comfortable and well equipped with beautiful views from the back over the countryside which included a converted oast house (see above!). The only drawback was it was on a main road so was quite noisy at night. It was really well located for exploring the area though.

Quite a few people expressed surprise that we were going to Kent but there was loads to do and the weather was mainly warm and sunny! We went to various old houses and castles - Hever Castle (with jousting!) was a highlight for me as was Chartwell, home of Sir Winston Churchill. We had two days in London and saw the aftermath of one of the biggest ever jewel robberies in the UK! We even ventured to the Bluewater Mall which wasn't nearly as horrible as the Trafford Centre. There were beautiful villages to explore and of course oast houses EVERYWHERE!

I haven't time to download my photos yet but when I do I'll of course be posting some on here and on Flickr. I have been reading up on everyone's blogs and will comment when i'm more "sorted". It's been a great holiday but also nice to come home and be reunited with the pussies.

How did I manage TWO WEEKS without ANY internet access? It was strange but curiously liberating. I realise just how much time I spend online!

Lace-cap hydrangea after rain..

We are certainly seeing some varied weather these last few days. This morning we had almost monsoon-like rain! In between the rain, when the sun has come out it's been warm and sunny.

Kate has friends round, so the house is full of young voices and laughter which is lovely to hear.

Yesterday evening Phil and I went to a pre-wedding meeting for a young couple whose wedding we are photographing on 5th September. The venue is a marquee in the bride's parents' garden and honestly, you could not have a lovelier location! The house is set in a beautiful, rambling garden, with a big lawn in front. It has a conservatory and a cobbled courtyard; a beautiful porch and sash windows. Inside it is a real home, cosy and comfortable and tasteful. It's my dream house, in short! We are spoilt for choice for places to shoot both inside and out which is a great situation to find yourself in as a wedding photographer.The bride made me very happy when she told me her transport to the church will be a horse drawn carriage! This is a first for us and I think it will be fabulous as it's a real country wedding - it won't be a Jordan-esque glass coach, thank goodness!

I have decided to repeat the five day first phase of my eating regime this week; I've felt a few sugar cravings resurfacing and I succumbed a few Minstrels in the cinema on Friday watching the new Harry Potter film and then to a chocolate brownie yesterday! It was really nice but a but like giving Dracula just a teaspoon of blood...I immediately wanted to eat the entire batch! So time for a little boost I think. I'm really pleased I've managed to stay off sugar in tea and coffee. It's really silly but I get a little glow of pride when I hear myself saying "white, no sugar" when someone asks how I take coffee :)

Phil has a small selection of photos on sale at the Grosvenor Garden Centre and we went along to have a look at the display. Here's a snap of a proud Kate standing next to her dad's work!


My sister in law and her twin daughters are visiting from New Zealand. They certainly picked a bad time for weather as it's actually warmer in Auckland (it's winter there!) than it is here in north-west England at the moment. I think they've really enjoyed their holiday despite the showers. On Friday we had a lovely trip out to Speke Hall

In this photo are my nieces, my sister in law, my mother in law and Kate. I will really miss H, R & S when they go home. NZ is so far away!


Yesterday we went to my other sister in law's home for a farewell party for the visitors. Here's a photo of my father in law just after blowing out his birthday cake candles.

This is only the first week of the summer holidays and I'm already enjoying working fewer hours and having more time to "potter" at home. I'm a huge fan of "pottering". I like being able to potter around in the kitchen, then wander out into the garden to potter a bit there. I like being able to pop in and out to watch some of my favourite TV shows in between some housework and i get a real buzz out of being able to de-clutter and organise stuff that has been lying around bugging me for weeks. Just having a few extra hours each week to myself makes a huge difference to me. I'm so lucky to be able to be fairly flexible sometimes about the hours I work. I am however working an extra day on Saturday as we are short-staffed. With my normal job, the weddings and my volunteer work I usually have about one day to myself in the week to catch up on housework and garden chores and do the shopping. It feels such a luxury to have more time. I know that at some point in the future I may have to return to full-time work so I'm making the most of "now".

I've stopped going to the gym. I was paying £18 a month and not getting my money's worth. I've decided I'd rather do more walking and cycling and exercising at home instead of driving for 30 minutes somewhere to work out and then drive 30 minutes back. I will miss my aerobics class but that's about all.

I'm off out tonight with a friend; we are going to Pizza Express in Heswall. It will be interesting to see if I can stick to my regime whilst eating there; but if I can't I'm not going to stress about it. I am still finding it really enjoyable and easy to stick to and although I don't weigh myself I am finding my clothes are looser. Best of all, I'm feeling SO WELL (with no cravings to speak of!) apart from my lousy aching arm which is giving me hell, especially in the early hours.

I've just been moved to rearrange the dining room; Phil will no doubt hate it but i felt like a change!!

Time to go and get ready ...

I'm VERY grumpy....!!

Today was a really great day, until about 4.40 this afternoon. My sister in law and her twin nieces (11 years old) are visiting from NZ and they came to have lunch and spend some time with us. It was raining so after we'd eaten, the four cousins all charged around the house playing Sardines and it was really lovely to see them having fun and being together after 18 months apart.

My two nieces have loads of energy and as the rain briefly ceased they went outside into the road with Kate & Sian to have a game of badminton. A little while later they came in upset and embarrassed saying "X" had told them to go and play outside their own house instead of hers!

Well, I was LIVID! This is the same neighbour who complains bitterly if anyone DARES to park outside her house. Now, apparently, children aren't allowed to play outside her house either! I'm speechless....! I don't understand it AT ALL.

Karen and Rick at their daughter's wedding.

Today would have been Karen's 48th birthday. Karen was my very special friend. She lived in Canada and we "met" many years ago online through a penpal website called Cyberfriends.Exchanging daily emails and eventually phone calls, we rapidly became very close. Karen didn't enjoy good health and after a few years of misdiagnose it was discovered she had Primary Pulmonary Hypertension. As this can be fatal, I decided to go to Canada for a visit and flew out to Alberta for two weeks with Karen.

These were two of the happiest weeks of my life! We had such a fantastic time together.

Karen was cured of PPH when she recieved a double lung transplant but she became diabetic and of course had to take strong medication for life. But she enjoyed a period of reasonable health. We kept talking about me returning to Canada but we never managed it. Karen passed away last August 14th aged just 47.

I miss her and think of her every day. I have needed her advice so often. She was my soulmate and the sister I never had. I never truly appreciated just how much she meant to me until she was gone.I would give anything to hear her voice one more time.

I also know Karen would not want me to spend her birthday in tears! She never wasted any time being sorry for herself; she always discouraged me from wallowing in self-pity. So I'm ending this post by saying how lucky I was to have Karen as my friend, how happy she made me and how much fun we had together even when we were physically far apart. Karen, if I close my eyes I'm sitting at your kitchen table with a cup of coffee while we exchange news and gossip and have a good old giggle....

This is a little corner of my kitchen; with some favourite objects in it (no, not the phone!!)

I started this blog when I was getting in a real state of panic over the potential of bird flu to become pandemic. I was worrying myself sick so I decided blogging might just help me get some perspective on life. It's funny how the swine flu situation seemed to come out of no-where - I had actually stopped worrying about bird flu!

So, naturally, I'm worrying about swine flu and the media doesn't help. I can't NOT read the newspapers or watch TV or I'd worry I'd miss something important. Another worry is that's Phil's firm are shedding jobs by the hundreds; every month comes news of more job losses and apparently it's his department next! I am already having worries about the next couple of weddings I'm doing; about my bad arm which is no better (the pills hold the pain at bay but without them I'm in constant severe pain!) and I am also very anxious about a family member. I'm lurching mentally from one worry to another and I really need to get a grip!

Deep down I think I worry because I feel I'm doing SOMETHING with the act of worrying when in reality much of what I'm worrying about is stuff over whivh I have no control.

Anyway - writing it down has helped somewhat. At least for now I'm just WORRYING and not PANICKING.....

Can you smell it? A wholemeal loaf straight out of the bread maker!

I've been up and down a lot emotionally this week. I realised that Saturday would have been my friend Karen's 48th birthday and that in August she will have been gone a year! In some reaspects I still haven't adjusted to her going and I know i will always miss her!

I so miss her doses of bracing common sense and her advice and the way she always helped me keep things in perspective.

I have had quite an enjoyable day so far, battling with rampant bushes in the garden! I do enjoy gardening; somehow the results for your efforts are so much more tangible than housework.

Last night we had pasta sauce containing my first courgettes and I have a cabbage about ready to be picked!!! In fact i am off outside to take some photos for my garden blog :)

This photo was taken on Kate's prom night and is a very rare shot of both my girls together: I think they look beautiful but then I'm a very biased mother...photo by Phil Mann.




Thanks to Cheshire Wife for this really nice award! I'm passing it on to Mabe as I think both her blog and especially her poetry are very deserving of this award!

This week was pretty good up until Thursday evening when things went wrong somewhat and I was left feeling anxious and rather crushed. I slept really badly Thursday night and woke up thoroughly miserable Friday morning. You know that feeling that you've done something really wrong without ever intending to? Plus feeling you've let someone down AND lost faith in yourself? I had all those feelings in spades.

Since then I've gone over and over things in my mind but thinking and worrying and feeling anxious don't put things right. I've got no choice but to try to live with what's happened. I just wish I was a stronger character and that I wasn't so easily floored by "stuff".

Apparent from this situation; work has been fine and my new eating regime is going ok. I have started drinking the occasional cup of tea and coffee again, but with skimmed milk and NO SUGAR! I've tried to give up sugar in hot drinks before but failed. People always said if you could go two weeks without adding sugar you'd cracked it but that never worked for me. But I think because I gave up sugar totally on the five detox days and am avoiding it as much as i can in food, I've lost my taste for it. Anyway, the tea and coffee tasted really good without sugar for the first time ever...

I succumbed to some emotional eating of naan bread on Friday night with my curry (which as it's chicken shaslick was fine for the "diet") but apart from that lapse I'm doing ok. The strangest thing is I'm normally constantly thinking about food and suddenly I'm not. I didn't realise how much time I spent obsessing on food until now.

We had a nice couple come to see us today about their wedding in September next year but I didn't somehow get the vibe that they were going to book us.

Not long know until the school year ends. I have quite a lot of time off over the six weeks summer holiday and I'm really looking forward to having some time to do stuff at leisure instead of trying to cram everything into odd spare hours here and there....roll on the week after next!