Light in the darkness...

Nothing has really changed here; I'm awaiting the results of my blood test and we are all still trying to come to terms with the sad news we received last week.

But thanks to three special friends - Annie, Jane and Carolyn - you have lifted me up out of the depths to a level from which I feel I can face the future with a bit more courage. Words couldn't describe how much you all mean to me. Thanks too to you kind blogfriends who take the trouble to post kind words; you are all much appreciated!

Difficult times...

Let me say right at the start that I know compared to lots of other people things aren't that bad. I have many blessings. But I am struggling to keep any positivity afloat right now.

It's the end of July and it feels as if every day this month has been grey and wet and depressing.

Phil & I are both struggling with health issues - non life threatening but the sort of things that make getting through the days and nights a massive effort.

I am having serious worries about the photography business - my nerves and anxiety over each wedding seem to be getting greater instead of diminishing and I'm starting to question whether it's actually worth it ...I sort of thought I might at least get better at dealing with it in time but I'm not...Big chunks of my life are taken over by literally paralysing fear of failure and of letting people down. No amount of reasurance or positive feedback can convince me I am worrying unecessarily. And yet if I give up, I'll have given in to fear - I don't like that idea. It feels like a lose/lose situation. I can't see my way forward right now.

This week a dear colleague/friend died of cancer. She was my age, had her first son around the time I had Kate. I WILL NOT say she lost her battle with cancer. I hate the whole "cancer battle - courageous fight" thing. There is for me an implication that people who die have lost their battle - my friend was not defeated by cancer! Nothing so ugly could take her spirit and the essence of her. Cancer eventually overwhelmed her body but not her soul. She was never diminished by her illness. She never displayed one shred of self-pity. I can't help but wonder "Why?" Why did she get taken from her young sons and her loving husband, family and friends? Some questions are too big to be answered.

Also this week, as a family, we had some extremely bad news. We are still reeling from it. I can't even begin to come to terms with it yet....

At the moment I am just coasting...I can't see the way ahead so I'm drifting in the current.

Late on Wednesday evening I was suddenly visited with the desire to shift some furniture around in the study/box room. We have a problem in this room - the plaster on the walls is really only held together by the wallpaper and the computer chair arm has gouged a hole in the wall which is spilling crumbly plaster. Now, I realise the whole bloody ROOM needs stripping and replastering but realising and actually getting it DONE are two entirely different things...anyway, suddenly i realised that if I moved the desk from under the window and put it against the wall it would both COVER the hole and stop it getting any worse! Result...as I said, I could barely stop myself getting up and moving it right away.

Instead I rushed downstairs early Thursday and moved it. Not quite as easy as i anticipated due the cats cradle of wires under the desk, about three years of dust bunnies and the fact that the desk was pretty heavy but...it's done. Phil, bless him, has sorted out the cables and hoovered under there too. I am childishly delighted by the "new" feel to the room...

We are gradually getting some of the worst house problems sorted. The hole in the bathroom ceiling caused by removing the pull switch when we changed showers about 5 years ago has been filled in but the ceiling still needs resurfacing & painting. The burgalar alarm has been replaced and has new sensors that allow the cats to roam...way-hey!! We have lovely new floors in both bathrooms and the crappy hall/stairs/landing carpet is being replaced this coming week.

But really. a house is a constant work in progress, isn't it?

Busy, BUSY weekend - worked on saturday and Sian & I volunteered at the stables for four gruelling hours this morning in the rain and wind. Where has summer gone??

Am really looking forward to the week ahead as I have THREE days off!!! Can't wait to potter!

My team at the library was recently nominated for an award, from Wirral Star Employers - it's all to do with work experience & apprenticeships for young people. The young man who nominated us, Alistair, has been working with us for two years now and his nomination was really special - we had no idea we had made such an impact on his life! I got invitations to the award ceremony and although at first I asked Phil & the girls to come, I eventually wised up to the fact that it should really be my wonderful team coming, so I asked the family if they'd mind not coming - they agreed.

Last night was the awards night and I was five hours late home from work because of it. It was a truly wonderful evening, quite glitzy, with champagne, posh frocks, a lovely buffet, entertainment....and we were joint winners in our category!! We were awarded a beautiful engraved glass star and a framed certificate and there was press coverage which will be good PR for the beleagured library service. I floated home with our awards, so happy and proud! This sort of thing doesn't usually happen to us librarians!

But no-one asked me how the award ceremony had gone; it was not even referred to. I can't believe it. Did they just assume I hadn't won or did it not even register as a blip on the radar of their daily lives? Didn't the fact I wasn't home cooking the dinner make them think "now where is she tonight?" Obviously not!

I don't want to get the award out and tell them about it because I don't want to hear the excuses..."I've been so busy!" ..."You know my memory!" "I forgot..." "You should have reminded me..."..."I've got so much on my mind right now..."

It would be nice just occasionally to be noticed.

Tired and time-poor!!

So it's Tuesday night and I'm sitting here on my way up to bed. It's 9.30! I'm exhausted! I suppose you could say the novelty of working full time has now worn off and I'm really missing my Mondays off, my shorter Tuesdays! In addition I'm on a course two Wednesdays on the run so when you throw in my two 12 hour days I feel as if I'm hardly at home!

I'm enjoying work but it's also worrying as there are continuous "Chinese Whispers" going around about forthcoming cuts to the library service - I wish we knew the worst as this waiting and wondering is hard to bear. There's also worries about our pensions - I'm nearly 50, if my pension is suddenly done away with or curtailed it's a bit late for me to start saving for a new one.

I'm actually quite homesick which sounds ridiculous but I am really here so little and have so little time on my own. I've realised I like a little time on my own each week. I'm a bit worried too that I'll lose touch with my local friends as I'm not around so much. I don't have the time or the energy for much Facebook or blogging either so I'll probably lose all my online friends too!

I remember how when I was part-time I wanted (indeed, NAGGED!) Phil to do stuff; now I'm looking forward to a weekend when we have nothing planned so I can get in some precious pottering. I also need to get some albums finished. I miss my camera - photos i took for pleasure in June have been barely looked at!

This, however, is one, a sculpture from Anglesey. It looks a bit how I feel tonight - knackered!!

I'm so loving my riding although my progress seems so slow. S & I are planning on helping out at the stables some Sundays. Am I mad to consider this? But I LOVE being around horses...

I've just installed one of those gizmos that show how much electricity you're using. I've turned into a power Nazi, going round switching things OFF to get the readings lower. It's oddly fascinating...

The extra money is helping pay for some stuff that needs doing around the house and I'm grateful not to have had an actual pay cut this year, just a pay freeze. I need to treasure this job, while i still have one!

Now I'm off to bed to read my book!

Dear So & So....

My friend Annie over at Incessant Ramblings uses her "Dear So & So" posts to get things off her chest.

Here's mine! (inspired by The Quiet Rage)

Dear Neighbours with yappy dogs,

You are really nice people and I like you. I know you'd help me if my house was burning down and I'd do the same for you. I also like your little dogs - I love dogs! But I hate their yapping - please, PLEASE can you stop letting them out to bark their little heads off before 8 am and after 11pm, it is driving me demented!

And during the day, too, please can you try more effective methods to shut them up than just saying "Be quiet". That clearly doesn't work. YOU may be so attuned to the yapping you can't hear it any more. But I CAN!!

Dogs should bark when someone comes to the door, during thunderstorms, when a cat crosses their patch, to say hello to another dog. But constant yapping should be checked!

Thanks,
Julie

I have tried and tried, begged and BEGGED for some help in the house. Nothing major just to sort out the clean underwear once a week and push the hoover around the ground floor twice a week.

But clearly my begging, bribing, cajoling, pleading, yelling etc has no effect. I'm now working full time (including two days when I'm out the house from 8.15 to 8.15), trying to keep my small business going and STILL doing virtually all the housework and gardening (as hubby works even longer hours!)

I'm tired, I'm tired, I'm tired. I'm nearly 50 and I'm doing more than I did when I was 20 or 30!

Last night after a fabulous Green Day concert, I felt so happy. And tonight I feel so ...crappy.

Oh well...tomorrow is another day!

Thanks to everyone who made such supportive comments on my last post; I'm so grateful to all of you who stop by and encourage me when i'm feeling low!

One of my "things" on wedding shoots is looking for people taking photos and photographing them and if i can catch the image on the back of the camera that's an added vbonus. Here is a shot of the camcorder screen with the screen in focus and the subject thrown out of foucus - I like it, hope you do too.

Another busy week has flown by and i can see I'm going to need to be more disciplined about time now I'm working full time. I also rode this week and i've spent quite a bit of time creating a wedding album for M&K. I'm so enjoying that but it is painstaking work and I get quite absorbed, only to realise hours have flown by!

We got our new sample albums through this week and they are GORGEOUS; more expensive than the ones we currently use but really outstanding. I can't wait to photograph them and put them on the website.

In between everything else I'm gardening every moment i can. I am thrilled my potatoes in sacks are growing like crazy. I just love this time of year in the garden when everything is fresh and lush.

It's boiling hot tonight and Phil is doing a BBQ - better see if he needs a hand!

Sometimes I get really disheartened. I don't know what makes one day, one mood so different from the previous one.

I wonder if I expect too much from myself. I don't like doing anything less than well. That makes it all too easy for me to give up if things seem too difficult or beyond my capabilities. I'm not very patient either. I look at Sian riding and wish like mad I could magically transform myself into a rider of her standard, instead of having to painfully and effortfully start at the beginning and relearn all the basics with a body that's 30 years older than when I last rode seriously!

I love the wedding photography but sometimes I think I should just give up because I'm only going to fail at that, eventually...

Those old friendship issues have popped up again; I'm going through one of those "I have no friends!" phases - when I can't believe that anyone likes me really but they just sort of tolerate having me around! I miss Karen like mad at times like this; she'd always talk sense into me and tell me not to be such a miserable pain in the backside. At times like this I feel so stupid and needy - but I have to hold on and believe it will pass.

I'm still occasionally fretting over what i thought was a close friendship that just ended really oddly; I want to know WHY and yet I'm also afraid of knowing. Oh dear, I even annoy myself when I get like this!

Two detail images from our most recent wedding; we had a fabulous time and the couple are very happy with our work - my cup runneth over!

I have been so busy editing photos and also starting to put together an album for another couple at the same time as starting full-time hours. I'm pretty tired. I love doing the albums though. I have this weird mental block about starting one but once I have, I find it hard to leave off.

I am hoping we might get some bookings from this latest wedding - this business is so crowded and SO competitive and personal recommendations are the best way to get more clients. I am just more and more in love with wedding photography with each wedding I do. I know that Phil & put our hearts and souls into the business because it means so much to us both.

I've had a health scare but am relieved to report all is well. I can't fault the NHS; I got seen by a specialist really quickly and had anything been amiss it would have been caught early!

I can see my blogging will be sporadic; I can only do so much LOL and with a business, a job, a family and volunteering plus all the other stuff like gardening, cooking, housework and riding something has got to give. I am reading blogs but not always commenting. I have to keep up with what my blogfriends are up to!

And now this tired old blogger is off to bed...

Palm House, Sefton Park, Liverpool

I've had a big decision to make this week and it sort of came out of the blue. In a way, though, it's been hovering for a few years now.

Nearly 17 years ago, I gave up full-time work for jobshare to raise my daughters. I was lucky to be able to do this - no backward step in my career yet the time to spend with my girls.

As the years went by, they got older and one day I had the opportunity to extend my hours by one day a week as my jobshare partner was offered a secondment. This was great - more money, more hours, yet I could choose if I did them or not and I still got to spend some time at home.

Of course I knew that this situation wouldn't last for ever, and when my former job share partner got another job a few weeks ago I felt a bit uneasy. But no-one said anything so I sort of hoped the status quo would just continue.

Then on Thursday I had a phone call with an ultimatum. Go full time or revert to jobshare hours and please decide today, as we want to advertise the other half of your job tomorrow...

No time to discuss things with Phil or the girls: I dashed off a couple of texts and they all replied saying "it's up to you - you have our support whatever".

To cut a long story short, I decided on "full time". At least for six months. If the weddings really take off, I'll rethink but for now we have no bookings beyond December. Next year Kate will be off to uni; before that she's going to be learning to drive. We can use the extra money and I can't really kid myself they "need" me at home much these days! I can't see myself reverting to just two days a week again; often when I am off I find myself wasting time. Maybe if I have less free time I'll value it more and utilise it better!

So...I'd be lying if I didn't have some doubts about how I'll cope - 17 years of part-time hours is a hard habit to break. I'm also not sure how I'll cope with all the chores - maybe a cleaner is on the cards?? My gut is saying I've made the right decision - we'll just have to see how it works out!

It is so long since I've blogged and I can't really say why - I have been trying to spend less time on the computer lately; plus I've not been feeling 100% lately!

The above photo was taken on the walkway between the carpark and the John Lewis store in Liverpool 1 - both Phil & I love this spot and I would LOVE to photograph a bride here - not much chance of that ever happening but I love the way the light falls and the geometric shadows and patterns.
Last Friday Phil and I had a day out in Yorkshire and he was kind enough to spend some time helping me shoot a waterfall; I wanted to get that "milky water" look. It was fun and it was nice to take time over an image as poosed to the high-pressure wedding stuff.

For my mum Edwina Rose - so much missed and loved, every day of my life. I am sorry I let you down the way I did.I hope you can forgive me. I love you, Mum xxx

And for June, my dearly loved mother-in-law. Get well, dearest June, we need and love you so much. xxx

Mother

Mother is just a little girl who trod my path before me;
Just a bigger wiser little girl who ran ahead.
Bigger, stronger, wiser girl who always watches o'er me.
One who knows the pitfalls in the rugged road I tread.

Mother is a playmate who will always treat me kindly -
Playmate who will yield me what true happiness demands.
She will never let my feet stray into brambles blindly -
Mother's just a bigger little girl who understands.

Mother is an older little playmate who'll befriend me -
Yesteryear she travelled in the path that's mine today.
Never need I fear a foe from which she may defend me -
Faithful little pal who ran ahead and learned the way.

Author Unknown

Mother's Day is always bittersweet for me. I so wish Mum was still here to share this day with me and the grand-daughters she never got to know.

I am feeling very guilty as I have been very bad at commenting on blogs lately - I do apologise. I have been visiting you all and keeping up with what's going on but somehow the extra effort involved in posting a comment has been a step too far for me - I'm shattered. Everything seems to require huge amounts of energy and I have been working quite a few extra hours which have soaked up a lot plus I'm trying to get back into my exercise routine.

The housework is building up and the spring sunshine is really cruel, showing up all the dirt and dust accumulating everywhere. I need to do massive amounts of cleaning but i can't find the time or the energy!

My "To Do" list keeps getting longer; i have stuff to do at work, for the business, in the house and on a personal level. Help!!

On the positive side; I'm enjoying (well, LOVING) riding again. Life is ok, fab at times...but I haven't enough hours in the day for stuff.

I'll make sure I'm a better blog friend in future; I promise!

On Saturday I finally got the email I'd been waiting for - to tell me that our latest couple are happy with their photos. The feelings of relief and delight that follow are almost overwhelming. The fear that you will let down a couple on their "big day" is so intense - and this couple were SO special. We were also extra nervous as it was a winter wedding in a very dark location so we had to be extra creative with lighting and use new equipment we'd bought specially for this day.

I'm really happy this week for another reason; I'm off work :) Well, my other job, I hope to do some work in the photography line as well as copious amounts of my beloved pottering, maybe with a bit of de-cluttering thrown in for good measure :)

Valentine's Day was lovely: Phil got me the nicest card EVER and a heart-shaped charm for my bracelet which is now, sadly, FULL! I got him 2 series of ER on DVD. We didn't do much (I pottered in the garden, Phil on the computer) and eventually I cooked a romantic Tandoori chicken dinner for 3 (me, Phil & Kate, Sian was out) Then we watched TV and went to bed.

We have been through our share of really bad times but just now things are pretty OK and I love him excessively! not bad after almost 27 years of being together...

No doubt this post will jinx us and soon I'll be writing about how terrible our marriage is! But right now I'm a very happy bunny.

I have waited several months before writing this post....

Back in October, we went away for a week's holiday. We went to a place we've stayed at several times before. It's neither excessively expensive nor cheap - middle of the range prices. We had an apartment.

On my arrival, I did what I usually do, check the beds. I'm checking for clean sheets and pillows, no nasty stains on the mattresses, that sort of thing. All was pristine; indeed the apartments had clearly undergone facelifts since our last visit, the kitchen was new and very posh. We unpacked and settled down happily for our first night.

The next morning I noticed one or two tiny spots of blood on the white sheets. This wasn't especially unusual as both P and I have dry skin which we sometimes scratch until we bleed a little.

The following morning P got up early to photograph the dawn. I was dozing in bed in the early light and suddenly noticed a small insect crawling over the pillow. Instinctively i flicked it away, but I was unsettled. I then sat up and threw back the covers.

There were several bright red drops of blood plus some smears of a brownish colour. I checked my self and could see no raw spots, yet several of the blood spots were my side of the bed. Then I noticed another insect and trapped it under a waterglass. A memory stirred - watching a bit of a BBC TV show about bedbugs flashed into my mind - and I KNEW that was what I was seeing.

P returned, called a member of staff and he agreed it was probably a bedbug. He offered to move us to another unit and we agreed. Before we moved we washed every bit of our clothing, dried and ironed it. On the last morning with a horrible sense of deja-vu I saw blood on the sheets and a bloated bug on the headboard. Our drive home was very silent.

We unpacked in the garage, stripped off the clothes we were wearing into binbags and showered/washed our hair. Our luggage was sprayed with bug killer and stored in the garage. We sprayed and Hoovered the car. All clothes were washed and dried and ironed again.

Then I went online. Bedbugs are on the rise all over the world. If you bring them home they can infest your house and are really hard to eradicate. It doesn't matter where you stay - top hotels all over the world have become homes to bedbugs. They can go a year without feeding and breed really fast. Some people have terrible reactions to the bites, others don't.

For several months after returning home, I woke up many times a night, compelled to check the bed. I was a nervous wreck. I cannot describe the horror of fearing YOUR OWN BED, your sanctuary, being infested with biting insects. Those brown smears? Bedbug excrement!

I am writing this to warn you. Most people don't admit to encounters with bedbugs. It fills you with shame and disgust and you feel dirty.You don't want to broadcast it. If you travel, I urge you to check your beds VERY carefully before you sleep in them. Pull off all bedding and examine the mattresses. Check in crevices and behind headboards - the internet has a number of sites with photos telling you what to look out for. Put luggage on stands and DON'T UNPACK until you are sure there are no bugs. I would advise putting clothes in ziplock bags for extra safety. If you find bugs I'd just leave. But make sure you tell the staff.

You DO NOT want to bring these creatures home with you. At the very least you'll face an expensive exterminator's fee - several visits will be necessary. You could find yourself having to replace beds, furniture and carpets/curtains.

You may never encounter a bedbug. I hope to God I never will again. My skin crawls at the thought of them and I'll never settle down in a strange bed again, without wondering if there is something else in there with me besides my husband!

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone!

I normally like to post a poem for Phil on Valentine's Day and here is one by Carol Ann Duffy. I had the pleasure of meeting and photographing Carol Ann Duffy at our Bookfest in October - she's an amazing person and if you ever get the chance to hear her read, don't miss it!

Valentine by Carol Ann Duffy

Not a red rose or a satin heart.

I give you an onion.
It is a moon wrapped in brown paper.
It promises light
like the careful undressing of love.

Here.
It will blind you with tears
like a lover.
It will make your reflection
a wobbling photo of grief.

I am trying to be truthful.

Not a cute card or a kissogram.

I give you an onion.
Its fierce kiss will stay on your lips,
possessive and faithful
as we are,
for as long as we are.

Take it.
Its platinum loops shrink to a wedding-ring,
if you like.

Lethal.
Its scent will cling to your fingers,
cling to your knife.


Love you so much, Phil!

I'm regressing to my childhood....every morning recently I've woken up very frightened thinking "I want my mum"! How bizarre is THAT? I'm not far off fifty and my mum has been dead for 20 years but ...I guess I still need her. I would really love to have a huge, cleansing, full-throttle CRYING SESSION followed by a great big cuddle from Mum - who wouldn't do anything much, just let me get it all out.

I've been SO down since January; really struggling to hold things together. Just out of interest I've revisited my blog posts for February last year and find that I was anxious and stressed and down then too - re-reading those posts has somehow been very comforting - I find myself able to say (and believe) that "this too will pass".

Anyway, I was going to write a really cathartic post about how bloody miserable and anxious and tearful I am but realising I wrote all that a mere 12 months ago has sort of put me off. Instead I'll try to dredge up some shreds of POSITIVITY (not optimism, I don't do optimism!) The months of January & February are not particularly cheering in any case, are they? I usually try to enjoy each day (yeah, RIGHT, good luck with that, as Sian would say!)but I do feel these gloomy weeks are barely endurable. I hate to look out and see my garden covered in dead foliage and slimy green moss encroaching everywhere. Time to get my vegetable growing book out and start planning for spring plantings I think.

Last week at work was really REALLY horrible but looking back I can (sort of) see there were some good parts. Like how kind some people were, how supportive. I also managed to get through it, although I can tell you that on Friday morning I REALLY didn't want to get out of bed, let alone leave the bedroom, far less the actual house!

I suppose the old cliche about what doesn't kill you making you stronger has some truth in it after all.

Thanks to everyone who took the trouble to comment on my "I quit!" post! I am so grateful for knowing I'm not alone and also for the helpful suggestions. Things have improved a little on the home front since then and family relations are fairly cordial again :)

That's it, I quit. My job. Not my job in the library - no, that earns me a salary each month, I'm part of a team and I have the satisfaction of helping people who by and large are grateful and appreciative. I'm not quitting the wedding photography job either. It's stressful and it's a lot of effort but it's rewarding when the happy couple are pleased with what you've done for them. Nor my voluntary job with RDA which pays me back in spades with the sense of helping disadvantaged people get a bit more out of life...

No, the job I'm quitting is unpaid in any monetary way and I don't get any thanks for it either. It's general maid, cook, chaueffeur and dogsbody to two teenage princesses who barely lift a finger unless it's to tap keys on the computer. I have begged and pleaded for minimum amounts of help - the occasional cup of tea, the occasional push around of the Hoover. That cups and plates be removed to the kitchen. I don't even ask them to do dishes.It would mean SO MUCH to me, just those little bits of help.

But they toil not, neither do they spin. And I've had it. I quit.

Now because I want to fatten you all up on this delicious treat (because there’s no way I’ll be getting thinner by eating it), I’ll share my secret recipe. Mix two cans of condensed milk (or one super sized can) with two tablespoons of butter and three tablespoons of chocolate powder. Simple eh! Of course there’s debate about whether butter or margarine works better and whether you should use sweetened drinking chocolate powder that already contains sugar and powdered milk or plain cocoa powder. Butter tastes better (and tends to not to leave a greasy residue if you accidentally use too much) and the best chocolate I’ve found so far is Sainsbury’s basics drinking chocolate.

Once you have everything mixed in a large bowl, chuck in in the microwave for two minutes then give it a stir. Do that twice more to get the heat up and then go for one minute at a time and keep on stirring. By this point you’ll see why you need to use a large bowl because the mixture grows really quickly as it’s heated. They say it’s ready once the mixture doesn’t stick to the sides of the bowl anymore, but that all depends on how you’re going to eat it.

The right way is to let the mixture cool and then roll it into small balls (margarine/butter on your hands stops it sticking so much) and then to cover in chocolate sprinkles. Of course if you’re just going to sit at home and eat it in front of the tv, then leave it in the bowl and pour the sprinkles on top. Just make sure you have a strong spoon.