I am worried as I haven't heard from A in California or K in Canada in a few days. I'm hoping all is well. If I hear nothing by tomrrow I'm calling them both.

P went up to the Lakes today to a meeting and I took S riding - she did really well on her favourite pony - the pony that most of the girls are too scared to ride! They did a lot of cantering and she looked so exhilerated! I'm so proud of her.

The rest of the day I did laundry and chores. Very exciting stuff. But tomorrow is Mothers Day so I don't want to be doing the vacuuming then! The girls and I are going swimming in the morning and then we are meeting P's family for lunch. Personally I'd rather it was just us but the day isn't just about me but about P's mum too and she's been a wonderful second mum to me.

I got the loveliest card and flowers from T. I spent some time taking photos of these perfect blooms. She is so kind to me and I feel so undeserving.

I'm so lucky to have so many wonderful friends to say nothing of a wonderful "adopted" daughter!

Goodnight!

We could do with some warmer weather. I wish i could just hop on a plane to somewhere warm! ! We are having the coldest March for 20 years!! This time last year our temps were around 20C and this year they struggle to get above 7C. How on earth do Canadians survive??

Tiggy (senior cat) fell in the toilet earlier on. The dog had knocked over the water bowl and we had forgot to refill it so I guess Tiggy got thirsty. I told K she was too slow; one flush and our problems with incontinent senior animals would be half over!

We had K's parent/teacher interviews last night and S's tonight. K got incredibly glowing reports from every teacher; she seems to be good at everything she does! S is doing very well too although maths is a bit of an issue like mother, like daughter! I am just so proud of them both. I don't think academic success is the be-all and end-all of life BUT I'm so happy that they are both working hard and getting results.

T is away visiting her mum and I miss her already! She won't be back until Tuesday. I'm really looking forward to her next visit here.

I have been working more on the website and have changed it quite a bit; I like this look more although P disagrees! It's certainly addictive. Like I need another internet addiction!

TGIF tomorrow!

I've been feeling energetic today and attacked the build-up of household paperwork! I also booked in the service for the central heating boiler. Of such boring domestic details does my life consist and how sad am I that I get a buzz out of ticking something off my "to-do" list???

Very bad news, though, today we heard that the wonderful ADAM, best aerobics teacher in the world, is leaving Northgate Arena for a better job in Manchester. We are all heartbroken. I just hope we get a decent replacement although I doubt anyone else could be as good.

P thinks that our senior cat is losing bowel control - yeuch. I have suspected as much for a while. Apart from that he's pretty lively and so loving BUT not sure I can cope with more shit smeared around the house. We are fast becoming a no-go zone for friends and relatives and I'm sure the house smells despite my placing various air-freshener devices in every corner. He's nearly 18; I just want him to expire peacefully in his sleep so I don't have to have him put down :( Don't want to make that decision.

My old school friend CL invited me to a school reunuion. We have a mutual friend visiting from Canada soon and CL has put together a lunch for her with about 12 former high school classmates. As it happens I can't attend as T will be visiting and P is away in Mull but I didn't want to go anyway. I think there are people who like these sort of things and people who don't and I'm the latter. People I care about from the past I've kept up with, and they with me, the rest I'm happy to remain as memories. CL I'm sure thinks I'm anti-social. Last Friday I met an old college classmate on a course. It was nice to see her; we had an enjoyable catch-up chat but soon ran out of things to say. I don't want an afternoon of that x 12, thanks. However it will be good to see my friend from Canada but on a one-to-one basis preferrably!

I'm not a total social misfit however as the Helsby Coven are convening for drinks tomorrow night; should be fun :) Here's to staggering home shrieking along the main road very late at night even if we are all in our forties now!

I have been putting together a website, even bought my own domain name! it's very early days really and I'm just playing around with it but it's fun.

You Are 10% Evil

You are good. So good, that you make evil people squirm. Just remember, you may need to turn to the dark side to get what you want!

How Evil Are You?

It's SNOWING again here! I'm worried about the frogspawn which appeared in our pond this week. I suggested to Phil last night that we scoop it out of the pond and into a bucket and bring it indoors until the cold snap passed but he refused. It will die if it gets too cold so I told him a whole frog generation will be wiped out but does he care? No!

I hope G and T make it up here; it's not good weather for driving. I am baking them chocolate cake.

I'm feeling a bit lacking in something this week. The horrible weather hasn't helped; several days of wet and windy weather with everything grey and gloomy outside! I have had some productive time at work however, although there are still problems...

A busy weekend is in prospect and I'm not entirely sure how I'm going to fit everything in - will be so glad when the football season is ended. It takes up so much TIME. I'm in that state of mind where I want to go to bed and stay there with a good book for several days at a time!

We are looking forward to having visitors on Sunday which should brighten the end of the week/start of next week. I'm just hoping no massive snowfalls put them off travelling.

The site seems great with two new members whom I really admire and like this week :)

I'm still feeling really blobby - why does so much socialising involve food? I can not eat by avoiding food but if it's there in front of me can i resist? Not at all.....no will-power, sadly....

Right, off to bed.

T has gone home today after a week's visit and I'm sad! I miss her. It's nice to have another female in the house to talk to. K does not talk very much these days and S talks an awful lot but not exactly conversation, bless her. It reminds me a bit of talks with my mum when we were both adults and i have missed those talks so much since she died.

P and K both have bad colds. I'm hoping I don't get ill. I have too much to do this week!

I took the photo above on Friday when P, T and I drove into Snowdonia in Wales. It was a beautiful day out and the scenery was amazing. I'm quite pleased with this picture. Certainly brings back happy memories!

Well, it's been a great half-term! Ok, the weather could have been better especially in the first part of the week and K was ill Monday and Tuesday. But as always it's been great having the girls off school. I'm glad T will be visiting next week to stop me feeling so lonely when they are back at school.

On Wednesday K and her posse went to see "Chicken Little" so S and I went to see "Zathura" which we both really enjoyed. The prevailing theme of sibling rivalries really struck chords! S was so happy to have me all to myself. I wish my girls got on better! On Thursday we all went into Liverpool as two of the Everton Football Team were making an appearance at the Everton merchandise shop and K wanted to see them. We arrived in Liverpool around 11.30 and did some shopping (spending Christmas gift vouchers in Next!) K is getting interested in clothes OTHER than football shirts which is nice; she even picked out two t-shirts for S which she really liked. Then we headed to the Everton store where we exchanged K's Everton watch (which had never worked!) and then K took her place in the queue. We waited...we waited...we waited....Some 3 and a half hours later the two players arrived - her two favourites - she got her football signed; it took all of 30 seconds and we were out of there! They were extremely gorgeous, if I was twenty years younger...! I'd picked up a voucher for a free Costa coffee and I certainly needed it by then! When we got home K tried on her outfits; she looked amazing - a pocket Venus - she's so beautiful.

On Friday P got the day off and we all went to visit a friend and his daughter who were spending half-term in the Lakes. We spent some time at South Lakes Wild Animal Park which was well worth the trip. The highlights were the free-roaming lemurs and seeing Sumatran tigers climb to the top of poles to snag their raw meat! It was bitterly cold, however, the wind really cut through us all. We then headed to Tarn Hows for the guys to take evening light photos. The girls and I amused ourselves playing silly games in the car until we got too cold; then off we headed for a lovely Italian meal.

Tomorrow T is arriving and I've invited the grandparents round for Sunday dinner. A nice end to the holiday, I hope!

So another half-term is over. I am already looking forward to the Easter break. We didn't go ice-skating or swimming but other than that we did quite a lot of what we'd planned. We'll swim tomorrow morning instead.

I hope the girls have happy memories of their childhood. I enjoyed my life when I was a kid until things got bad between mum and dad but I don't remember doing a whole lot of "stuff" very often with my parents. We went to the cinema TWICE my entire childhood - once to see a Dr Dolittle film and once to see James Bond. Maybe that's why I love the cinema so much as an adult!

A while ago we were watching Madonna's video for "Hung Up" and I asked K if she wished she had Madonna for a mum (Madonna's 3 years older than me!) and she said no, it would be "embarrassing" to have a mum who looked and danced like Madonna! And here's me thinking everyone would like Madonna as a mum! Also, according to K, she exercises 5 hours a day in addition to everything else she does so when does she find time to be a proper mum!

I asked P this morning what he'd do with his wedding-ring if I died. Since our friend died earlier this month I've had constant dreams that I'm dying. Not unexpected really. Of course he wouldn't give me an answer!! I was telling T that I'm sure I wouldn't be as unselfish as most dying women seem to be - telling their spouses to remarry, not to be unhappy. I'd prefer at least 3 years of abject misery, please, P. What a selfish bitch I am! But death has come very close and I'm afraid. I really am afraid....

On a positive note AS has joined the site and uploaded some glorious landscapes. A, if you read this, email me PLEASE, I miss you!!

Now I'm off to bed!

It was a funny sort of weekend. I got very despondent over one member of the site removing their gallery and because of something that happened on ANOTHER site - go figure! ; however since Saturday we've had four new members which is good news. There are such good photos being uploaded - the quality is very high.

We managed a family walk on Saturday afternoon; it was a lot of fun but not really good light for photographs. Today was the first day of half-term and K had a sore throat! So instead of K and S going swimming while I had my class with Adam K stayed home in bed and Sian came along and watched me. The rest of the day was spent doing housework - shopping, ironing etc.

Right, today I'm going cold turkey from an addiction that's making me sad and angry and frustrated every day! Wish me luck!

Let me share with you something that happened to me on Monday at the gym...

I had done my hour's aerobics with the lovely Adam and then 40 minutes in the gym. I was heading for the toning tables for my ten minutes wind-down with Hello magazine when a woman stopped me and said "It's my first time here!". I smiled and said "that's nice" and was moving on when she added " I was scared to come because I thought everybody here would have wonderful figures and then I saw you and I was so relieved...". I just stared at her. Then I said "Thanks for that; you have made me feel so much better about myself." I walked away as she started saying "I didn't mean...."

Now I know exactly what she means. When I joined the gym myself I was relieved to see a number of men and women of various ages and of various sizes alongside the lycra-clad goddesses but I would not have ever considered SAYING that to one of them. It's like meeting someone you've not seen for years and suddenly they are OLD - you don't say "My but you're so wrinkly/bald/scrawney". You don't go up to a woman at a party and say "I'm so glad you're here as that means I'm not the fattest person in the room". We are all usually too hard on ourselves anyway without someone putting into words how we feel.

People who know me know how phobic I am about getting my picture taken. I loathe my figure and my face, the only bits I really like are my hands and my feet. I get through life by avoiding mirrors and cameras and trusting in other people's good manners not to make me confront myself. It's pretty shallow really but it's one of my issues and i do fight against it. But that woman really hurt me. I really don't want to go back to the gym but I'm off there now.

Love and friendship - a poem by Emily Bronte

Love is like the wild rose-briar,
Friendship like the holly-tree—
The holly is dark when the rose-briar blooms
But which will bloom most constantly?

The wild-rose briar is sweet in the spring,
Its summer blossoms scent the air;
Yet wait till winter comes again
And who will call the wild-briar fair?

Then scorn the silly rose-wreath now
And deck thee with the holly's sheen,
That when December blights thy brow
He may still leave thy garland green.

My lovely friend AS told me about this poem and it seems very appropriate for Valentine's Day. I like the value the poet puts on friendship and the constancy of friendship and I like the idea that though romantic love only lasts a short while friendship can endure through passage of time and through adversity. So Happy Valentine's Day to my best friend and husband, Phil, and to all my treasured friends wherever you are! My life would be empty and desolate without you!

Today was the funeral of our friend. There were such a lot of people there. I worked out last night that I had seen her perhaps 11 times, and I only really knew her after she got sick. But we never talked about her illness - and I could never think of her as being ill. I'm so sad that we never got to spend anymore time together. Our last meeting was postponed "until she felt better" and that time never came. I have the pudding she liked and that I made for her still in my freezer - I kept hoping. I will never forget her.

My life is the poorer now she has gone.

I never knew that so many people in my life could keep a secret!
I went down to Rayleigh on Saturday 4th February to visit T . We went into town to a kitchenware shop I like there and then when i went back I opened my suitcase. Under the top layer of clothes I found my passport. I felt sick. I thought " I'm going insane". My passport is always kept somewhere safe with my driving licence. I thought I was going senile. T passed me an envelope and said "read this" but I was so stunned I went off to the bathroom and pottered for a bit. When I came back and opened the envelope it was an itinery for a trip to Paris!! I have never been so surprised!!

We took the 8.01 Eurostar train from Waterloo station and reached Paris at lunch time. The hotel was lovely (although there was a moment of mild panic when we thought the two single beds could not be separted!!) and we dumped our stuff and headed off to the Eiffel Tower. It was quite mild so we left our coats behind! Silly us! It was bitterly cold up the tower. The views were great but it was a cloudy sort of day. Paris is a very neatly arranged city and looks very attractive from up high. Many of the buildings are light in colour and there are lots of trees - it must look wonderful when the trees are in leaf.

After coming down from the Tower we were frozen so abandoned the idea of going on a boat trip on the Seine in favour of returning to the hotel. We nipped into a patisserie and ordered two lovely cakes IN FRENCH - I was surprised by how much of my school French came back to me! We ate our cakes sitting on our beds then wrapped up and went out to Notre Dame which was beautiful. There was a lit up and decorated Christmas tree in front of it for some reason! The bells rang while we were there and I can see why Quasimodo was driven mad!

After that we wandered down the Seine to the Louvre. It was enormous! Courtyard after courtyard and we then saw the Pyramid which looked spectacular lit up and glowing. It was really quiet and T got some great photos. There was a couple having sex in full public view there too - we could hardly believe it!

Then we walked further along the river bank admiring the lights reflected in the water and enjoying the wonderful sights of the bridges and illuminated buildings.

Eventually we had dinner around the corner from the hotel and fell into bed and slept like logs.

We had a lovely breakfast before checking out of the hotel and leaving our luggage at the station. We then took a taxi to the Arc de Triomphe. The taxi driver spoke no English but was very jolly and very funny about the other road traffic the way taxi drivers everywhere are!

After visiting the Arc we took the boat trip which was very enjoyable if chilly.

Another trip on the Metro took us to Scare Coeur; up a large number of very steep steps! After that we had to head home. I stayed one more night at T's and spent Monday exploring a little seaside town nearby. I arrived home Tuesday evening.

I am so astonished that T thought this whole thing up and contrived to make it such a wonderful surprise. This weekend was arranged because Monday was her late partner's birthday, we had talked vaguely about going to Prague but nothing ever came of it. I'm overwhelmed. I'll never, ever forget it as long as I live!

It's hard to think of anything apart from the terrible news we got on Thursday. My feelings seem mirrored by the grey cloud that's blanketing the skies and seems to stifle all impulses towards hope and optimism.

The only laugh I had was when I was talking to T about toilet paper that was supposed to be "fluffy" but wasn't - the way she said "fluffy" and the indignant note in her voice just cracked me up; I was actually crying with laughter. I'm off down south to visit T today; back on Tuesday. Was awake a lot of the night worrying about getting lost on the Underground LOL. Phil has just told me I'd be an idiot if I got lost as it's DEAD SIMPLE...hmm. We'll see.

Am really looking forward to seeing T again and having a couple of days "off duty" although of course I'll miss Phil and the girls. Kate read part of my last entry yesterday; thank goodness I'd said something nice about her! Her neck is still sore which is a worry. She was uncomfortable at school yesterday so I hope it improves over the weekend.

I guess I'd better finish getting dressed!

I haven't been able to get warm today plus I'm still so tired! Must be old age...

Kate was off school again but we had a nice morning (I was ironing) watching a TV show about the 40 most expensive, excessive things to spend money on. I enjoyed just spending time with her doing not very much. She is good company and her sense of the absurd really pleases and surprises me.

I had lunch with "the girls" which was fun although we froze walking to the pub. We hardly ever have lunch and it felt very decandent. I thought again about the importance of friendship and how it enriches life in a way i never considered when I was younger. I think I get the same kick out of making new friends that I used to get from that feeling somebody fancies you - maybe it's because no-one will EVER fancy me again - horrble thought! I watched a programme about the cookery writer Elizabeth David tonight and although men let her down and she never had kids, her friends and her sister kept her going when illness and despair threatened to destroy her.

I suppose a friendship is in a way the most flattering of relationships as it's based primarily on liking and is not coloured by family ties or desire or need. It still fills me with incredulity if someone likes me - then there's the fear that if they REALLY know me they won't like me...

Friends can make me feel better about just about every aspect of my life - sometimes I feel alone in my own mind consumed by my worries and fears and then someone else will voice or write the same thought and I'm not alone.

I read today that scientists have proved that passion can last no longer than two years. Interesting. It's all in the hormones - apparently after two years the love-molecules are replaced by "cuddle molecules" and this apparently isn't a bad thing. I'm going to write a letter of complaint to someone as P never got his share of "cuddle molecules".

So what happens to a couple after that initial two years. Are we just friends? No, I shouldn't say "just" friends after all I've written about the value of friendship. I think I'll leave that subject for tonight!

Only one day at work this week and it's the reading group tomorrow night. The book was so depressing I didn't want to think about it once I'd finished it much less discuss it! The writing was good - too good. The evocation of childhood holiday memories was exceptional. But the overall feeling of hopelessness left me lying in bed without any will or desire to get up. If I hadn't had an appointment i think I'd have pulled the covers over my head and howled. I've not read anything so miserable since a Stella Duffy book about a woman dying of cancer.

I enjoy the reading group but it's at the end of a long day so i'm always tired and it's sometimes hard to lead the discussions as well as I should especially now the group is so big and vocal! Will be interesting if the weekly group for people with mental health problems takes off.

Bed time. I love bedtime. I love that moment just before sleep with the whole night ahead of me as much as i hate that moment when I wake up to find it's ten minutes before the alarm goes off!

Well, I really worked hard at aerobics with Adam this morning. I love that class. He has told us he may be starting dance classes on Sunday mornings which would be great. I enjoyed the gym too. I love to exercise if only it didn't hurt my joints so much.

It was quite a grey day today unlike the lovely sunny weather we had over the weekend. Late this afternoon Sian and I huddled in the sitting room watching "Independence Day" - I kept drifting off to sleep.

T and I looked at the entries on the latest Cafe competition. There were only 48. If you think that probably at least 6 staff members entered two images that's possibly only a very small number of actual members who entered, which is sad. The site is growing so fast but maybe too fast? Maybe it's just me but it doesn't seem the same these days. I still feel sad about it occasionally because I put so much into it. But the new site is fun despite its small size! It's still a challenge to try to make people happy.

Took this picture yesterday on an evening walk at sunset with Phil across Frodsham Golf course. We saw golfers! That was a first. Such a beautiful, beautiful light. I saw gorse bushes starting to flower which makes me think spring is on its way.

I have just received my pinhole glasses through the post. They are causing the family great amusement when I put them on for the required 15 minutes per day watching TV. Kate says I look weird. The weird thing is they actually make a difference. I can see things more sharply through the tiny holes. I don't know if they'll work but I'm going to give it a go. Apparently they can work wonders on some people, more or less like the Bates method can do.

I don't know what T will say when she sees me wearing them!

The other thing of note that happened today was I realised I've been using my tin opener wrongly for the last twelve or so years. Talk about a blonde moment!! Phil has threatened to tell everyone I know so I'm getting in first!!

I did Mel's slutty test and came out at 47% slut. This is less slutty than Mel and more slutty than T! I'm not sure how I feel about that!

Well, it's Saturday and it's been SUNNY. Cold but sunny. We went down to Heswall shore today and took a couple of pics. Forgot my wellies - big mistake.

Had an email from my California penpal. She misses us. I miss her too!! That's the downside to making friends in other countries - you don't get to see them that often. Sometimes I just want to see her and have a coffee and a chat - and I can't! Well, not without a twelve-hour flight!

I miss K too. I have booked time off to go to Canada but not sure yet if I'll make it. Sian will just have started High School and I'm not sure how she'll cope. I really want to go to see K. I wish I could take the family with me...

We really want to go back to California in summer 2007. We are going to take a couple of days in Chicago and Phil wants to meet up with Mel - well, I do too of course!! We need to keep SAVING.

I'm excited about seeing T next weekend, just hope I can negotiate my way around the London Undergroubd without getting lost.

I've been full of depressing thoughts about how fast the girls are growing up; keep doing these sums in my head about how many more years before Kate leaves home etc. I'm insane I know - they are 12 and 10! But time just flies by and I want it to slow down.

Those times when they're little and hard to cope with passes so fast although it seems endless at the time. I worry that I'll fall apart when they leave me - find a life without purpose.

Anyway, that's me for today! Phil is making coffee (from California) so I'll go drink some!