This is the song I want played at the end of my funeral. I heard it in the last episode of (I think) Series 4 of "Sex & the City" and I just fell in love with the words and the fabulous disco beat. It's an upbeat song with words that mean a lot to me and I can never help dancing whenever I hear it.The artist is AMBER.

It's also for someone who means the world to me - you know who you are!!

Love lifts us up
Love lifts us up

Remember the pain we put each other through
Remember the tears you cried, I cried too
Remember how close we came to giving up
Remember the holidays that were destroyed
Remember the arguments we employed
Remember the lines we drew and the lines we crossed

If we had known it would be so hard
Would we have set out on this road together
Now when I look into your eyes I can see forever


We're flying above the clouds
So beautiful & clear
We're flying above the clouds
I can see happiness from here

Love lifts us up
Love lifts us up

Remember the silence living in the dark
Remember the desperation in my heart
Remember how close we came to giving up

We were caught up in our storm
I didn't think that we would make it
We have only stood our ground
Now the storm is breaking

We're flying above the clouds
So beautiful & clear
We're flying above the clouds
I can see happiness from here

Sweet love to a higher ground
Love lifts us up
Love lifts us up

If we had known it would be so hard
Would we have set out on this road together
Now when I look into your eyes I can see forever

We're flying above the clouds
So beautiful & clear
We're flying above the clouds
I can see happiness from here

We're flying so beautiful
Love lifts us up
There is so much happiness
Don't ever stop

I had a "near miss" driving home last night. I was going through a traffic-light controlled junction of two busy roads - the lights were in my favour and had not even STARTED to change - when a car completely ignored the lights and came shooting out from my right. I braked hard and luckilydespite the wet road did not skid and I missedhim/her. We were both travelling at some speed so I imagine the collision, had it happened, would have been violent. I was so lucky!!

The Photographer's Corner Guardian Angel

I'm a real mixed bundle of emotions today. The habits of love and friendship are difficult to break. This poem says it all, really.



I'd like to be the sort of friend that
you have been to me;
I'd like to be the help that
you've been always glad to be;

I'd like to mean as much to you
each minute of the day
As you have meant, old friend of mine,
to me along the way.

I'd like to do the big things and
the splendid things for you,
To brush the gray from out your skies
and leave them only blue;

I'd like to say the kindly things that
I so oft have heard,
And feel that I could rouse your soul
the way that mine you've stirred.

I'd like to give you back the joy
that you have given me,
Yet that were wishing you a need
I hope will never be;

I'd like to make you feel as rich as I,
who travel on
Undaunted in the darkest hours with you to
lean upon.

I'm wishing at this time that I
could but repay
A portion of the gladness that
you've strewn along my way;

And could I have one wish this year,
this only would it be:
I'd like to be the sort of friend
that you have been to me.

- Edgar A Guest -

I am also thinking of RG, whose funeral was today, and her family. Apparently the crowd at the church was just enormous - so many young people come to say goodbye to their friend whose life was cut short so tragically.

I was listening to this song while out walking tonight and the lyrics really spoke to me....

I'm here, just like I said
Though it's breaking every rule I've ever made
My racing heart, is just the same;
Why make it strong to break it once again?
And I'd love to say "I do";
Give everything to you
But I could never now be true

So I say...
I think I better leave right now
Before I fall any deeper
I think I better leave right now
Feeling weaker and weaker
Somebody better show me how
Before I fall any deeper
I think I better leave right now

I'm here, so please explain
Why you're opening up a healing wound again
I'm a little more careful, perhaps it shows
But if I lose the highs at least I’m spared the lows
Now I tremble in your arms
What could be the harm?
To feel my spirit calm?

So I say...
I think I better leave right now
Before I fall any deeper
I think I better leave right now
Feeling weaker and weaker
Somebody better show me how
Before I fall any deeper
I think I better leave right now

I wouldn't know how to say
How good it feels seeing you today
I see you've got your smile back
Like you say - you're right on track
But you may never know why
Once bitten, twice as shy
If I'm proud, perhaps I should explain
I couldn't bear to loose you again

Yes, I will.
I think I better leave right now
Feeling weaker and weaker
Somebody better show me how
Before I fall any deeper...
I think I better leave right now

It's nearly a month since I blogged. I thought about giving up but decided not to. It's good to have an outlet at times! I got this firework photo on the BBC website although my good friend T's picture is much better. A couple of us went to a firework display and I used my tripod to take a few pictures. Unfortunately I got lots of shots of the woman immediately in front of me and her fetching bobble hat but this was one that tuned out ok.
I'm looking at a glorious full moon through my window right now.
The kitten is growing up but still very keen on sucking my hair. I wish he wouldn't launch himself at my back and then claw his way up. He's heavier now and that REALLY hurts!

The best thing about long walks in the dark is that no-one can see you are crying. My dear friend K in Canada is in hospital AGAIN. I am so worried for her and I miss her so much. There is so much I need to tell her and get her advice on but I can't. Please, God, make her well!

I haven't posted in a few days. My emotions are all over the place. First, I saw the doctor about my physical problems. It was humiliating and unpleasant but she was kind, and it seems I have IBS. I am on a high-fibre diet and some medication (called Spasmodol - the name of which for some reason cracks me up!)

i am still pretty much in my black zone although i'm managing to function ok. Sometimes I feel great; really happy and then wham, I'm shaking inside. I think that's part of where my IBS comes from as fear and anxiety go straight to my stomach. It is driving me mad because everything is pretty much ok in my life. I have friends facing terrible problems but I'm just trying to get through each perfectly normal day when instead I want to stay in bed.

I feel safe in bed. I also feel safe in the house and weirdly, in my car. I don't feel safe at work and in fact am often terrified of going there; but when I'm actually there it's not too bad.

I wish i could make sense of all this.

I am really frightened. I don't feel at all well. I really don't want to see the doctor.

I feel also as if a massive black cloud has swooped down on me and I can't see my way out. i want to run away but it's all around me.

I'm scared.

We finally have a new computer. The old one just kept crashing and crashing repeatedly - on Tuesday i came home from work and it carshed 10 times as i was trying to download some email. So we bought a new one. It arrived on Friday and P has it up and running. It's wonderful.

So I might be actually able to post in my blog a bit more often these days.

I am still feeling off colour but I can't face going to the doctor in case he decides he needs to "investigate" LOL. I just know inside I'm not functioning right, I'm in a lot of pain and I'm tired all the time.

P is really, really miserable at work and I feel so sorry for him but i can't help. it is hard to live with someone who is so stressed and angry so much of the tiume. Every morning starts the same way - he wakes up and says "God, i had a terrible night...I'm so tired." He isn't sleeping but won't see the doctor about it. We're a terrible pair, I know.

I am feeling very insecure again. How the hell does one get self-confidence?? Or self-esteem? Why am i always such a bloody needy chick? I'm 45 for Gods sake - when do i become mature?

I just read a funny book called "Confessions of a failed grown-up" by Stephanie Calman. At least i know I'm not the only person in the world who still feels they have a mental age of around 13.

Today I popped to the supermarket for a chicken and spent £60 on groceries. I should go back to internet ordering. I also managed to wander off for several aisles with somebody else's trolley.

S is doing quite well at high school - she got her first merit the other day. She's making new friends too which is good! K wasn't happy on Thursday. When getting changed for PE she noticed her PE shirt was damp. She sniffed it...cat pee! She had to wear it and pretend she didn't know where the horrid smell was coming from. Tiggy strikes again LOL

Is there a curse on photography websites? It seems the Cafe server has also crashed and the site is unavailable right now.

Our new "Corner" looks good and it's nice to see so many members joining right away. A is working very hard to keep up with the glitches that arrive thick and fast whenever you launch a new website.

I am very anxious as I've only had one brief email from K in Alberta since she got home from hospital, and my phone messages have not been returned. I don't want to be a pest and keep bothering her.

I'm also worried I've not heard from another friend, AS. I hope she's ok and I miss her.

I'm not feeling 100% and am wondering if I may have IBS - isn't the internet great for self-diagnosis? I don't really want to go to the doctor in case they investigate further - yuck, don't fancy THAT at all. It's a pretty embarrassing condition all round. Oh well...I reckon I've had this on and off sonce I was in California so I guess a bit longer won't hurt - it's not like it's curable anyway.

I am exchanging emails with my brother. It is really nice but I'm nervous in case things go wrong. Sometimes I wonder if I'm cut out for any human relationships at all - maybe I should have been a hermit.

What a week :(

The photography website that I'm Admin of has been lost to the depths of cyberspace due to an unfixable server error. The site owner has worked her socks off trying to recover it and at the same time trying to build us a new site. Hopefully this will go "live" at the weekend. I'm heartbroken to think of all we've lost from the old site - but our members have been really supportive and are eagerly awaiting the new site. I'm sure we'll lose some but we won't be defeated by this disaster!

Apart from that, I've been working extra hours so have had less time on the internet than usual. S seems to be settling down ok into high school after the first awful day when she said she wouldn't be going again!! Now she has made some friends and seems to be getting on ok.She looks great in her new uniform (see above)

I am feeling much happier and more postive. I've done a lot of thinking and reflecting and trying to get things into perspective. I'm feeling less insecure. Hope these good feelings last.



The new kitten is growing fast and is very entertaining. We all love him a lot, it's hard to take a pic of him as he never stops moving but here are a couple anyway.

My Best Friends & I
by Karen L. Schenk

Throughout the years
I have had many different girls and women as my best friends.
They have all been very different from each other.
Yet somehow they have all been similar.
They had characteristics that blended with mine.
They were kindred spirits with me --
they were truly the soulmates of my life.


Together, these best friends and I
have laughed, cared, talked, listened, and cried.
Together we played, worked, and dreamed.
Such special friends were they, that at times,
we enjoyed doing nothing together.
Years have gone by
and I sometimes wonder
where they have all gone.
Some have moved.
Some developed different interests.
These were friends whom I once thought
I could never live without.

The best friends of my life
have had an integral part
in me becoming who I am today.
They brought out the best and the worst in me.
They loved me enough to confront, to challenge and to console.
They encouraged me in my strengths and
helped me overcome my weaknesses.

Though I know not where they live,
have discovered where they all left something for me.
It is a room -- a delightful room which lies within my heart.

It is one of my most favorite places.
I go there when I am lonely, sad
or when I want to remember... and be with
the treasured golden memories
the best friends of my life left for me.

Forever -- my friends will be a part of me
as I hold onto and cherish them
in that special room in my heart.

I have just been reading an article on the BBC website about the way New York City has changed since 9/11.

This quote is from press photographer David Handschuh, who was possibly the first photographer on the scene after the first plane went into the Tower. He was trapped under the falling debris from the second tower and badly injured.

"Having a good day with my kids is the most precious gift that I could have in the entire world," he says.

"Waking up the next morning and looking out the window and whether it's snowing or raining or storming or brutally hot or freezing cold, it's another day that we get to experience things on this Earth."

This man has seen such horrors; yet he can feel grateful for each day that he is alive. It's humbling.

I'm sad and worried and lonely right now but i have hope that things will get better.

I'm feeling very sad tonight. It seems as if there's going to be a big change in my life and I'm not sure how I'm going to handle it.

Work was really hectic yesterday. It's one of our busiest days of the year as it follows a four-day closure for the August Bank Holiday. For once we had plenty of staff so it felt pleasantly busy instead of grindingly so. I even got some time at my desk to catch up on stuff.

I heard that applicants for my dream job were VERY high powered academics, teachers and even one psychiatrist. So knowing that i would probably have not even got to interview makes me feel better - not as if I'd had to walk away from a wonderful opportunity due to home circumstances.

I visited a friend from the Corner after work; we had a very pleasant chatty evening (well, I did!!) She is a film buff and like me thinks nothing of watching the same film over and over and still enjoying the experience. We watched "Pride & Prejudice". I got home about 12.30 and realised to my horror I'd forgotten my house key. I seriously considered sleeping in the car rather than waking the Kraken (P) but it had to be done!!

Today is my last day of "time off in lieu" of the summer. S has a sleepover tonight and we said we'd take all the kids to Pizza Hut as an end of the holidays treat. I'm not planning on doing much today, just ironing and general chores.

I wore my pedometer all day yesterday but FORGOT TO SWITCH IT ON!! What a blonde moment.

Bad days for relationships!!

Feeling grumpy? Well, today is the day couples are most likely to have an argument, according to a relationship expert.

The theory is that post-holiday blues combined with the end of the summer and no more bank holidays until Christmas conspire together to make August 30 the day tempers will fray.

Paula Hall, a sexual and relationship psychotherapist, said the arguments can be explained by a simple equation: Post-Holiday Depression + Financial Strains - Lack of Light/Domestic Chaos = Relationship Stress.

"By August 30, tensions have reached an all time high, as couples realise their summer is well and truly over," Hall said.

"This often manifests itself in bickering and needless arguments which is not healthy for the well-being of a relationship."

Thanks to YAHOO for that cheery piece of news!! It's lucky that P has gone to London today and won't be back until mid-evening.

He wasn't happy with me yesterday! He got home and I was on the phone, but as soon as I could excuse myself I ended the call - served dinner right away and tried to talk but he wasn't responding very well. Afterwards he went into the sitting room with tea and started watching a TV show he'd recorded. I pottered around a bit then watched another TV show with S. P went up to the computer room where he stayed for the next two hours, then came down to do dishes. Then I went onto the computer and at some point he must have gone to bed although he didn't say goodnight :( or tell me he was going. I missed him!!! It sometimes seems lately that we are never actually in the same room for more than half an hour at a time.

I know one of the problems is we both want time on the computer. I am happy to go on late evening but he doesn't like me coming to bed late. So we alternate during the evening and thus don't spend any time together.

I certainly have "end of the summer" blues. Now it's almost upon me I'm DREADING working that extra day! I keep saying "extra money, extra money!" but it's not really working. I'm already starting with the sick pains in my stomach and I still have over a week to go before it starts. I don't know why i get in such a state about work. It's as if there's some demon lurking there that I can't see but am afraid will leap out at me. Is this how paranoia starts????

There are times when I only feel "safe" at home or when in my own routine. I don't mean I'm afraid to go out as I'm not - I just want to be in familiar places.

Anyway, I am going to take Sian swimming so had better get myself moving.

I see the Photog Cafe has a new moderator called Julie!! It seems weird to see my name up there in blue although I was always CG.It seems these days that if you are an active member for a few weeks you get asked to be a moderator! It is one way of ensuring a degree of loyalty I suppose.

I manage to go whole weeks now without visiting there - progress!

It surprises me how hurt I still feel by all that went on there. And what a bad judge of character I was - how easily I was taken in by that grand manipulator, PS. With the benefit of hindsight and from talking to others I can see how she groomed all of us in turn. How she made us feel special and unique. How she'd confide in each of us, warning us not to tell anyone else, as she felt she could rely on our discretion....and then you'd accidentally find out she'd told half-a-dozen people the same thing. How she told me all about a fellow admin's marital problems to say nothing of forwarding me private emails!!

I can't believe it took me so long to see how insincere the whole ethos of that site actually is! Some of the Corner members who have joined there too have told me they soon realised the "niceness" and chummy atmosphere was only on the surface.More fool me!

I don't suppose PS loses an iota of sleep over how she treated me and others, or that one tiny ripple of self-doubt ever disturbs the complacency of her self-satisfied mind. Maybe one day she'll do a bit of soul-searching and realise her actions and behaviour have long-lasting effects on others but I doubt it.

I'm breaking off from my holiday blog - I'm feeling sad tonight. Was going to have an early night but ended up staying up late and posting comments on the Corner. I can't sleep when I'm sad.

P has invited family over tomorrow for a big BBQ. He looked at the forecast and it was fine!! The latest forecast we checked had it raining here in the northwest at 4pm - exactly when the grill is due to be lit. Oh dear...

Good news is that S has a place in the next riding class up - on alternate weeks. She's been awaiting this promotion for some time and we are both thrilled. She'll be riding bigger horses and jumping again. Sadly I won't get to see her ride on Saturday next as I'm working :(

I must go to bed or I'll be totally wiped out tomorrow and no use as a hostess - not that I am in any case!

Monday 7th August
We went to Brinkburn Priory today. It was sunny and warm and the Priory was as beautiful and tranquil as we remembered it from last visit!





Afterwards we drove to Warkworth Castle where we had a picnic. I had fun looking through windows at the view and then trying to under-expose to get the detail in the window surrounds as well as outside!
Afterwards we hired a boat on the river for an hour and both Phil and Kate rowed very well. Walked around Warkworth Village and had coffee. On the way back we stopped in Rothbury and bought sausages at the good butchers there - Simonside Sizzlers and Cragside Cracklers LOL.

Tuesday 8th August
We went to Belsay House, Castle and gardens for a relaxing day wandering around the estate. We watched a game of croquet which was interesting even though we didn't understand it! I have some birthday cards and a very mysterious parcel waiting for me back at the cottage!!


Wednesday 9th August - MY BIRTHDAY!!

I can't help being childishly excited on my birthdays! Phil had got up early to take photos of the sunrise but Gerry texted me at 7 am and T rang me around 8 am for a lovely chat. P eventually got home and I opened my cards and presents. I had a beautiful and extravagant box of chocs from T! Then my parents in law phoned.
After bacon sandwiches for breakfast we went to Alnwick Gardens. The Treehouse was a bit of a letdown - unfriendly staff and we totally failed to get served in the cafe! we enjoyed the cascades and the gardens and especially the poison garden, the sculpture garden and the bamboo maze.We had a special birthday meal in the Anglers Arms. A really happy day!! I was given a beautiful Radley bag, purse and make-up case plus a protective case for my MP3 player and the Nigella Lawson book "Feast".