Thinking of K......

I bought a box of primulas to plant in my garden but edecided to take some photos first.After an hour of effort there was only one I liked.Sometimes I despair!
It seems the doctors have not given up on my friend. They are going to try an aggresive form of treatment in the hope they can then perform surgery to ease her breathing. I am praying this works.
I went walking with M today. It's a grey, dull sort of day which suits my mood. I'm going to plant my flowers now then get stuck into my chores.

Thank you to everyone who has been praying for K or simply sending her positive thoughts. My dear, dear friend has been told the doctors can do no more for her surgically. They cannot put shunts in her lungs as her bronchial tubes are collapsing but they are continuing with intravenous medication. I am told they do not expect her to regain her strength.

My brave girl is I am sure fighting as hard as she can. As she always has done.

Shades of grey

The Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

I have just heard that my dear friend K in Canada has been airlifted to hospital in Edmonton. The doctors think she is rejecting her lungs. She is very, very sick. My throat hurts with the effort of holding back my tears. This photo is for her. A striped carnation can mean "Sorry I can't be with you."

As Friday is catblogging day, here is a photo of Shea in the tissue box in the study. I'm glad the weekend is here although we haven't a lot planned. I took some flower photos last night that i'd like to spend some time looking at and editing. i have some stuff to do on the Corner as well.

This is the enquiry desk at work where I spend a lot of time. This week we've been clearing out a lot of our CD stock. Not many people borrow CDs these days. I guess downloading music is more popular. Talking books and DVDs are getting loads of issues however.

I went for a walk with M this morning. I really enjoyed it although the roads were slick with ice. We met a woman out for a walk with 2 springer spaniels. I remembered all the walks I'd taken with just Charlie for company.

On Monday a friend phoned me and I was feeling shivery, so i went and sat in the dark in K's room with my back against the radiator and the door pushed shut. After a few minutes I thought I heard a little metallic noise and the door moved slightly. I fully expected Charlie to come in. He always used to follow me around the house! If he'd still been alive he'd have come in and settled down next to me even if he thought I was nuts sitting in the dark talking on the phone!! I do miss him!!!

I really like to take showers in the dark. P thinks this is really weird.

Thanks for the comments on my blue pics. The photo Pat mentioned is just about my favourite ever - apart from my Charlie pic. I took it on the compact and I've had it printed and framed and I think it looks pretty good. I gave it to a dear friend and she has it on her wall!!

I am always drawn to pictures with blue in them. I don't know why. Kaycee has inspired me to start a sort of "blue gallery" and I'm really excited about the idea. Thanks K :)

I really look forward to seeing everyone's photo blogs. I'm not taking a photo a day like you are but I'm trying to use a photo that fits with each blog entry I make and that is allowing me to look at some of my photos with fresh eyes!

For kaycee - my colour is blue

The bottom picture is one of the earliest I ever took and it's a window panel in the Metropolitan Cathedral of Christ the King in Liverpool.

Thetop is some wood behind the famous Rialto Bridge in Venice. Phil was taking pictures of the Grand Canal and I was bored, turned and looked the other way and saw this.

Blue is so variable - like me.

I always like to look at the sea, and I think that's something i do when I need to find peace or to sort out something that worries me. Looking out to sea makes me feel lots of things - awe, for one. My dad always used to say he felt closer to God far out in the ocean than he ever did in a church.

The ship in the photo is not the type of merchant vessel my dad captained. His ships were comparatively small and of course navigation methods were totally different in those days. Dad was always my hero - and I never look at the sea without thinking of him.

The other picture makes me think of loneliness; the sort of loneliness we all feel at times. However close we are to others I think there's always this consciousness that we are all separate beings steering our own course. And it also makes me think of solitude - not the same as loneliness but something I find essential just to survive.

Sometimes you just happen across something that makes you stop and think. That just happened to me.

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.

1 John 4:18

Busy day at work today. I spent a lot of the afternoon and evening in a state of mild panic about a friend, needlessly as it turns out. I worry so much it's ridiculous.

The terrible gales damaged our roof. It also took me 3 hours to make the 40-minute trip home yesterday due to the motorway being closed for safety reasons. I'm really tired and i'm working tomorrow. P didn't get home from London until today. there were no trains so he had to stay overnight.

Today's picture is a rainbow in the Lake District. Whenever i see one i think of Judy Garland singing "Over the rainbow". It's so sad and yet so beautiful - that yearning and pathos and longing in her voice. It's a song that makes me feel happy and sad all at the same time.

I have a headache so it's time to stop looking at the PC and have a cuppa.

Another Cathedral image - I've done more editing on this than I usually do.

I have a new obsession - sushi! To be honest I never fancied eating it but on Monday I bought some as I could not face another chilled, damp pre-packed sandwich for lunch. To my amazement I loved it. i had sushi for lunch yesterday and -guess what- am having sushi again today. My friend Kaycee was talking about pleasures in life today. I like to discover new pleasures as well as enjoying old favourites - so here are some random ones from my life:
A new diary with all those blank pages waiting to be filled.
A movie with Doris Day and Rock Hudson
A cup of tea at those times only a cuppa will do.
Watching my daughter S riding horses
My kitten snuggling up on my shoulder and the sound of his purr
Sushi!
A text from a friend
A long walk
Saying "I love you"
Starting a new book by a favourite author
The memory of my mum's smile

Ferry 'cross the Mersey
My friend T had the idea of taking this view through a porthole. I copied her! we had a lovely day on the river and this reminds me of it. I'm thinking of her a lot and hope she feels better soon.

I posted this photo on the Corner; and an eagle-eyed watcher at once spotted a stray green pixel I hadn't noticed! I have no idea where it came from...outer space maybe?? Anyway, I was talked through the process of using the "HEAL" tool to get rid of it and here's the result. This was originally one of my discarded photos from the Cathedral shoot but I'm happy with the way it turned out in the end.

Today is actually sunny and after lunch S and I are going to the Zoo. P & K are off to watch Everton and my mother in law is too poorly for our company so it's the Zoo for us.

it's so good to see the sun but it shows up all the winter grime in the house. i guess I should be cleaning but it's a shame to waste the nice weather. We'll be back in time to roast a chicken, watch "Seabiscuit" on DVD and for me to get stuck into the ironing.

I am enjoying seeing the PAD blogs of some friends. I'm not going to even attempt this but will certainly try to take and upload more photos for my blog.

This Shea asleep on our windowsill. we are letting him out alone and it makes me very nervous. He's such a lovely cat! I have never known a cat as loving as this one!

S rode a big dun called George today; she did really well. George was very gentle and stood for ages just pushing his nose into my hand LOL. I am determined that this week I need to give the Riding for the Disabled Organisation a call about volunteering. I miss being around horses so much (that's the selfish part!) but I would also like to help an organisation that gives so much fun and pleasure to people. Anyway, that's my aim for the week...to ring and see if they would like my help!

Well, my small lump has been removed quite painlessly and is off to the lab to be checked but the doctor is sure it is ok. I'm glad it's gone as the itching was driving me crazy.

I had a lovely evening yesterday. We watched the film "Pillow talk" and then played with my friends husband's new Nintendo "Wii" game - it was great although i was self-conscious at first. I won at bowling - YAY!!

Time for a walk, i think.

I am feeling more positive today! Long may the feeling last.

Work has been busy but ok. This afternoon our system crashed but luckily wasn't down for long. As usual we are short staffed; four people off from the usual staff. I like to be busy however.

P is very depressed about work; his boss has decided he and another team leader need to swap teams. No real reason for this except for the sheer hell of it apparently. Also the boss he likes is moving on and the boss he replaced is returning. I feel so sorry for him; he works so hard and puts in such long hours but things never qite work out the way he'd like them to. Poor guy rang me today to say he was working from home tomorrow so could take me for my operation - unless it was at 2.30 when he was dialling into a voice conference. well, my appointment IS for 2.30 but it's the thought that counts!! At least he can drive me there and he's not far away if the knife slips and they sever an artery! (see what I mean about being positive LOL) I will be glad when the operation is done as this growth is so bloody itchy and I'm scared I'll forget and scratch it really hard - ugh.

Lets hope the night is less stormy tonight - neither of us got much sleep. I always tend to stress about stuff when I'm semi-awake and that's when I lose my sense of proportion.

I am desperate to take some more photos; hopefully there will be some opportunities this weekend.

I went out and bought glucosamine & cod-liver oil tablets yesterday plus some stronger pain killers and I must really give the former a chance to work by taking ir regularily as so many people have told me this actually works.

I saw my doctor today and I need a small growth removing from my back. It's minor surgery and is happening on Friday afternoon. The worst part is I can't bath or shower until the stitches come out 5 days later which means I'll be sponging myself down - ugh.

I feel a bit less hopeless today. I talked to some friends yesterday - had a good cry with one of them - and a bit of a laugh later on with the others. Both really helped in different ways. One of the biggest blessings in my life is the wonderful friends I have around me.

I spoke to my friend in Canada last night; she is back in hospital but sounded a bit better than the last time we talked. As usual it was wonderful just to hear her voice.

I got POTD on the Corner today (for the pic above!) which was a nice surprise. I love my camera so much and I love taking photos too.

I better do some housework!

I am feeling terribly ill this morning. This latest flare up of my arthritis is really bad but the accompanying depression is worse than usual - combined perhaps with the post-holiday blues and maybe even my age (as J at work keeps reminding me, maybe I'm menopausal - lovely thought!)

I'm sleeping badly as i can't get comfortable and the pain killers wear off in the early hours. My thoughts are disturbed and troubled too so when i do wake I'm kept awake by worry and anxiety. Will I ever know any peace in my own thoughts?

I called this online diary the "Compulsive Worrier" on impulse and as a sort of joke but maybe it's life immitating art - my worrying seems to be getting worse not better!

At times I wonder; why do I keep writing this? I think it's because here I don't have to maintain a facade. I don't have to put on a cheerful front and laugh about things. I don't have to worry that this diary will stop liking me if it knows how I really feel so much of the time!

The worst of this crippling unhappiness is there is no obvious cause - ok, i have my worries and anxieties like everyone else but they don't add up to this huge cloud of grief and oppression. I am a lucky person; I have a wonderful life. I know this in my heart and in my mind; why can't i sustain that knowledge against this senseless gloom? In addition to everything else i feel angry with myself that i'm ungrateful and undeserving of the good things in my life!

I am off to the doctor tomorrow I think as I have a sort of wart thing on my back that I can't see but is itchy and painful and according to P is hanging off - ugh! Glad I can't see it!! I might also mention the ugly lump on my eyelid while I'm there.

Yesterday I heard that two of the horses from the yard where S rides died suddenly from colic. i was really upset - one of them, Apache, was a a real favourite of mine. It scared me as it reminded me that horses are surprisingly fragile creatures and the thought of it happening to one of our real favourites - like Domino or Piper - is awful.

I guess I'll head off to the supermarket now as P has gone out to deliver birthday cards to his mum and K has gone to watch the rugby with her friends.

Yesterday I did something a bit symbolic - well, only for me, perhaps! I have all my digital photos stored by month; with a couple of separate folders for different versions - including one which was called "Cafe Uploads" and was the resized, reworked images I uploaded to first the Cafe and then later the Corner. For some reason, I never changed the name of the folder. Until yesterday.

It's just over a year since T, AM, Mafia Wife and I started the Photographers Corner. I am really proud of all we have achieved. I was gutted by the way things ended at the Cafe but that is now firmly in the past.

Now my folder is called "Corner Uploads".

I took this photo on a trip to Chester Cathedral with J from the Corner. We had a lovely time and this statue means a lot to me so I thought I'd post it here today to cheer myself up.

S is clearing out her room. I asked her to do it and she's doing a great job. But it's really sad - there are a load of dollies and things going in the charity bag and it's breaking my heart!! My baby is growing up!

I love my girls more and more the older they get. But today I'm wondering where did those little ones go? Today we went clothes shopping and when they got home they tried on their new outfits and they looked beautiful. But like young women not like little girls!

Happy New Year!

Although I'm a day late. Soon I will have been blogging for a whole year. I'd like to keep it going through 2007. It's been quite a journey. I think one of my goals is to include more of my photos in my entries.

New Year's Eve with J & D was fun. The jointly prepared buffet was delicious and afterwards we played cards then watched the new year fireworks from london on TV. At midnight we all went outside and there were some quite spectacular fireworks being let off in peoples gardens.

Yesterday Phil's parents visited. I cooked an Italian caserole of chicken in red wine.It was pretty good; the chicken was really tender.

Today we visited P's friend G and daughter P. We had a pub lunch then went for a walk in Lyme Park - saw a herd of deer. K was great with P - she happily pretended to be a pet duck and did whatever she was told including some fairly long runs which wasn't easy in wellies!

P has another day off tomorrow and as the girls are still off I think we're going into Chester to do a bit of necessary shopping.

I have been exchanging emails with my brother!! It makes me nervous but so far, so good!

I have been thinking about new year resolutions. Once I get them straight in my own mind I'll post them here and see if that helps me keep them a bit better.