As Friday is catblogging day, here is a photo of Shea in the tissue box in the study. I'm glad the weekend is here although we haven't a lot planned. I took some flower photos last night that i'd like to spend some time looking at and editing. i have some stuff to do on the Corner as well.

This is the enquiry desk at work where I spend a lot of time. This week we've been clearing out a lot of our CD stock. Not many people borrow CDs these days. I guess downloading music is more popular. Talking books and DVDs are getting loads of issues however.

I went for a walk with M this morning. I really enjoyed it although the roads were slick with ice. We met a woman out for a walk with 2 springer spaniels. I remembered all the walks I'd taken with just Charlie for company.

On Monday a friend phoned me and I was feeling shivery, so i went and sat in the dark in K's room with my back against the radiator and the door pushed shut. After a few minutes I thought I heard a little metallic noise and the door moved slightly. I fully expected Charlie to come in. He always used to follow me around the house! If he'd still been alive he'd have come in and settled down next to me even if he thought I was nuts sitting in the dark talking on the phone!! I do miss him!!!

I really like to take showers in the dark. P thinks this is really weird.

Thanks for the comments on my blue pics. The photo Pat mentioned is just about my favourite ever - apart from my Charlie pic. I took it on the compact and I've had it printed and framed and I think it looks pretty good. I gave it to a dear friend and she has it on her wall!!

I am always drawn to pictures with blue in them. I don't know why. Kaycee has inspired me to start a sort of "blue gallery" and I'm really excited about the idea. Thanks K :)

I really look forward to seeing everyone's photo blogs. I'm not taking a photo a day like you are but I'm trying to use a photo that fits with each blog entry I make and that is allowing me to look at some of my photos with fresh eyes!

For kaycee - my colour is blue

The bottom picture is one of the earliest I ever took and it's a window panel in the Metropolitan Cathedral of Christ the King in Liverpool.

Thetop is some wood behind the famous Rialto Bridge in Venice. Phil was taking pictures of the Grand Canal and I was bored, turned and looked the other way and saw this.

Blue is so variable - like me.

I always like to look at the sea, and I think that's something i do when I need to find peace or to sort out something that worries me. Looking out to sea makes me feel lots of things - awe, for one. My dad always used to say he felt closer to God far out in the ocean than he ever did in a church.

The ship in the photo is not the type of merchant vessel my dad captained. His ships were comparatively small and of course navigation methods were totally different in those days. Dad was always my hero - and I never look at the sea without thinking of him.

The other picture makes me think of loneliness; the sort of loneliness we all feel at times. However close we are to others I think there's always this consciousness that we are all separate beings steering our own course. And it also makes me think of solitude - not the same as loneliness but something I find essential just to survive.

Sometimes you just happen across something that makes you stop and think. That just happened to me.

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.

1 John 4:18

Busy day at work today. I spent a lot of the afternoon and evening in a state of mild panic about a friend, needlessly as it turns out. I worry so much it's ridiculous.

The terrible gales damaged our roof. It also took me 3 hours to make the 40-minute trip home yesterday due to the motorway being closed for safety reasons. I'm really tired and i'm working tomorrow. P didn't get home from London until today. there were no trains so he had to stay overnight.

Today's picture is a rainbow in the Lake District. Whenever i see one i think of Judy Garland singing "Over the rainbow". It's so sad and yet so beautiful - that yearning and pathos and longing in her voice. It's a song that makes me feel happy and sad all at the same time.

I have a headache so it's time to stop looking at the PC and have a cuppa.

Another Cathedral image - I've done more editing on this than I usually do.

I have a new obsession - sushi! To be honest I never fancied eating it but on Monday I bought some as I could not face another chilled, damp pre-packed sandwich for lunch. To my amazement I loved it. i had sushi for lunch yesterday and -guess what- am having sushi again today. My friend Kaycee was talking about pleasures in life today. I like to discover new pleasures as well as enjoying old favourites - so here are some random ones from my life:
A new diary with all those blank pages waiting to be filled.
A movie with Doris Day and Rock Hudson
A cup of tea at those times only a cuppa will do.
Watching my daughter S riding horses
My kitten snuggling up on my shoulder and the sound of his purr
Sushi!
A text from a friend
A long walk
Saying "I love you"
Starting a new book by a favourite author
The memory of my mum's smile

Ferry 'cross the Mersey
My friend T had the idea of taking this view through a porthole. I copied her! we had a lovely day on the river and this reminds me of it. I'm thinking of her a lot and hope she feels better soon.

I posted this photo on the Corner; and an eagle-eyed watcher at once spotted a stray green pixel I hadn't noticed! I have no idea where it came from...outer space maybe?? Anyway, I was talked through the process of using the "HEAL" tool to get rid of it and here's the result. This was originally one of my discarded photos from the Cathedral shoot but I'm happy with the way it turned out in the end.

Today is actually sunny and after lunch S and I are going to the Zoo. P & K are off to watch Everton and my mother in law is too poorly for our company so it's the Zoo for us.

it's so good to see the sun but it shows up all the winter grime in the house. i guess I should be cleaning but it's a shame to waste the nice weather. We'll be back in time to roast a chicken, watch "Seabiscuit" on DVD and for me to get stuck into the ironing.

I am enjoying seeing the PAD blogs of some friends. I'm not going to even attempt this but will certainly try to take and upload more photos for my blog.

This Shea asleep on our windowsill. we are letting him out alone and it makes me very nervous. He's such a lovely cat! I have never known a cat as loving as this one!

S rode a big dun called George today; she did really well. George was very gentle and stood for ages just pushing his nose into my hand LOL. I am determined that this week I need to give the Riding for the Disabled Organisation a call about volunteering. I miss being around horses so much (that's the selfish part!) but I would also like to help an organisation that gives so much fun and pleasure to people. Anyway, that's my aim for the week...to ring and see if they would like my help!

Well, my small lump has been removed quite painlessly and is off to the lab to be checked but the doctor is sure it is ok. I'm glad it's gone as the itching was driving me crazy.

I had a lovely evening yesterday. We watched the film "Pillow talk" and then played with my friends husband's new Nintendo "Wii" game - it was great although i was self-conscious at first. I won at bowling - YAY!!

Time for a walk, i think.

I am feeling more positive today! Long may the feeling last.

Work has been busy but ok. This afternoon our system crashed but luckily wasn't down for long. As usual we are short staffed; four people off from the usual staff. I like to be busy however.

P is very depressed about work; his boss has decided he and another team leader need to swap teams. No real reason for this except for the sheer hell of it apparently. Also the boss he likes is moving on and the boss he replaced is returning. I feel so sorry for him; he works so hard and puts in such long hours but things never qite work out the way he'd like them to. Poor guy rang me today to say he was working from home tomorrow so could take me for my operation - unless it was at 2.30 when he was dialling into a voice conference. well, my appointment IS for 2.30 but it's the thought that counts!! At least he can drive me there and he's not far away if the knife slips and they sever an artery! (see what I mean about being positive LOL) I will be glad when the operation is done as this growth is so bloody itchy and I'm scared I'll forget and scratch it really hard - ugh.

Lets hope the night is less stormy tonight - neither of us got much sleep. I always tend to stress about stuff when I'm semi-awake and that's when I lose my sense of proportion.

I am desperate to take some more photos; hopefully there will be some opportunities this weekend.

I went out and bought glucosamine & cod-liver oil tablets yesterday plus some stronger pain killers and I must really give the former a chance to work by taking ir regularily as so many people have told me this actually works.

I saw my doctor today and I need a small growth removing from my back. It's minor surgery and is happening on Friday afternoon. The worst part is I can't bath or shower until the stitches come out 5 days later which means I'll be sponging myself down - ugh.

I feel a bit less hopeless today. I talked to some friends yesterday - had a good cry with one of them - and a bit of a laugh later on with the others. Both really helped in different ways. One of the biggest blessings in my life is the wonderful friends I have around me.

I spoke to my friend in Canada last night; she is back in hospital but sounded a bit better than the last time we talked. As usual it was wonderful just to hear her voice.

I got POTD on the Corner today (for the pic above!) which was a nice surprise. I love my camera so much and I love taking photos too.

I better do some housework!

I am feeling terribly ill this morning. This latest flare up of my arthritis is really bad but the accompanying depression is worse than usual - combined perhaps with the post-holiday blues and maybe even my age (as J at work keeps reminding me, maybe I'm menopausal - lovely thought!)

I'm sleeping badly as i can't get comfortable and the pain killers wear off in the early hours. My thoughts are disturbed and troubled too so when i do wake I'm kept awake by worry and anxiety. Will I ever know any peace in my own thoughts?

I called this online diary the "Compulsive Worrier" on impulse and as a sort of joke but maybe it's life immitating art - my worrying seems to be getting worse not better!

At times I wonder; why do I keep writing this? I think it's because here I don't have to maintain a facade. I don't have to put on a cheerful front and laugh about things. I don't have to worry that this diary will stop liking me if it knows how I really feel so much of the time!

The worst of this crippling unhappiness is there is no obvious cause - ok, i have my worries and anxieties like everyone else but they don't add up to this huge cloud of grief and oppression. I am a lucky person; I have a wonderful life. I know this in my heart and in my mind; why can't i sustain that knowledge against this senseless gloom? In addition to everything else i feel angry with myself that i'm ungrateful and undeserving of the good things in my life!

I am off to the doctor tomorrow I think as I have a sort of wart thing on my back that I can't see but is itchy and painful and according to P is hanging off - ugh! Glad I can't see it!! I might also mention the ugly lump on my eyelid while I'm there.

Yesterday I heard that two of the horses from the yard where S rides died suddenly from colic. i was really upset - one of them, Apache, was a a real favourite of mine. It scared me as it reminded me that horses are surprisingly fragile creatures and the thought of it happening to one of our real favourites - like Domino or Piper - is awful.

I guess I'll head off to the supermarket now as P has gone out to deliver birthday cards to his mum and K has gone to watch the rugby with her friends.

Yesterday I did something a bit symbolic - well, only for me, perhaps! I have all my digital photos stored by month; with a couple of separate folders for different versions - including one which was called "Cafe Uploads" and was the resized, reworked images I uploaded to first the Cafe and then later the Corner. For some reason, I never changed the name of the folder. Until yesterday.

It's just over a year since T, AM, Mafia Wife and I started the Photographers Corner. I am really proud of all we have achieved. I was gutted by the way things ended at the Cafe but that is now firmly in the past.

Now my folder is called "Corner Uploads".

I took this photo on a trip to Chester Cathedral with J from the Corner. We had a lovely time and this statue means a lot to me so I thought I'd post it here today to cheer myself up.

S is clearing out her room. I asked her to do it and she's doing a great job. But it's really sad - there are a load of dollies and things going in the charity bag and it's breaking my heart!! My baby is growing up!

I love my girls more and more the older they get. But today I'm wondering where did those little ones go? Today we went clothes shopping and when they got home they tried on their new outfits and they looked beautiful. But like young women not like little girls!

Happy New Year!

Although I'm a day late. Soon I will have been blogging for a whole year. I'd like to keep it going through 2007. It's been quite a journey. I think one of my goals is to include more of my photos in my entries.

New Year's Eve with J & D was fun. The jointly prepared buffet was delicious and afterwards we played cards then watched the new year fireworks from london on TV. At midnight we all went outside and there were some quite spectacular fireworks being let off in peoples gardens.

Yesterday Phil's parents visited. I cooked an Italian caserole of chicken in red wine.It was pretty good; the chicken was really tender.

Today we visited P's friend G and daughter P. We had a pub lunch then went for a walk in Lyme Park - saw a herd of deer. K was great with P - she happily pretended to be a pet duck and did whatever she was told including some fairly long runs which wasn't easy in wellies!

P has another day off tomorrow and as the girls are still off I think we're going into Chester to do a bit of necessary shopping.

I have been exchanging emails with my brother!! It makes me nervous but so far, so good!

I have been thinking about new year resolutions. Once I get them straight in my own mind I'll post them here and see if that helps me keep them a bit better.

What a strange period it is between Christmas and New Year! It's like everything is on hold! i was at work yesterday but it was really quiet and dull. i'm glad I took today off.

It was a great Christmas, despite having to work the three days preceeding Christmas eve which were incredibly quiet at work! Christmas eve was spent with J and her family - we had a great time playing silly games and didn't leave until midnight; by which time S was getting VERY anxious that Santa would go to our house and find us out and not leave any presents!!We checked his progress on NORAD and S was relieved to hear he'd only just passed over London.

The girls woke us up at 8 am Christmas morning which was pretty reasonable of them. We opened our Santa gifts then went downstairs to open the rest of our presents aided by a pot of coffee. The girls seemed thrilled with their presents - K was especially delighted by her furry boot slippers. I'm lucky to have such appreciative kids. I started cooking dinner and it was an hour late but as we had no guests it didn't matter! It was probably my best ever Christmas dinner as I wasn't stressing about it.

Afterwards I fell asleep watching "Monsters Inc". We basically relaxed the remainder of the day; watched some TV etc. I tried phoning K in Canada but had no reply. Did get through the our friends in CA and we all took it in turn to chat to one another - it was lovely.

Boxing Day was lovely too with P's parents visiting for the day. Wednesday we didn't do much although S and I visited J in the afternoon. Yesterday i was back at work and in the evening had a great visit with another site friend. We all played this PS Monkey game which was a lot of fun. K was undisputed champion of the night!!

Today is very wet and windy so I think I'm going to stay home. I might tidy out my drawers (I know how to have fun!!!)

Not sure yet what we are doing for new year. My local friend JW wants us all to get together; we just haven't decided which house it will be at yet.

In February I wrote

I suppose a friendship is in a way the most flattering of relationships as it's based primarily on liking and is not coloured by family ties or desire or need. It still fills me with incredulity if someone likes me - then there's the fear that if they REALLY know me they won't like me...

Ok, i've decided to take myself firmly in hand and stop feeling so bloody gloomy or I'll spoil Christmas for myself and probably the family too.

Last night I went to see "Casino Royale" with J and i REALLY enjoyed it - great film and James Bond was incredibly sexy. I certainly had good dreams last night. In the morning Jane and I went for another long country walk which was lovely - exercise and good conversation at the same time. I had lunch today with CL - it's been a while since we saw each other and it was really good to catch up on each others news.

I wish i wasn't at work the next three days. Tomorrow night is the Helsby Coven's night out. We're just going to a local pub for drinks and nibbles. can't drink much tho' as I'm working Friday.

Just about ready for Christmas I think - just some more food to buy!

I haven't felt like writing in my blog for a while - for several reasons. I've been working loads of extra hours recently and I also developed this cough virus which is still lingering. We have had some difficult issues to deal with on the Corner.

K from Canada is back in hospital awaiting an operation to help her breath. I'm very low about that. I have called her a couple of times and she sounds really weak.

Christmas is so close but i'm struggling to find any festive joy. I think I'll be glad to see the end of 2006. It's been a strange year. I've spent much of it with my mind and emotions in turmoil. I think I'd like a bit of peace in 2007.

I don't feel I like myself much at the moment. So I'm going to work on trying to be a better person for 2007 also.

On Monday I spent some time taking photos in Liverpool Cathedral with my friend J from the Corner. She is such a tonic to be around as well as being a great help with my picture-taking techniques.We had a good time.

I guess after the holidays are over we can start planning our trip to Chicago and CA in the summer.I really hope we can see Mafia Wife and sample one of those big donuts!

I can't sleep!
It's VERY stormy here tonight and in our attic room you can hear every gust as well as the rain hurling itself at the windows. I came downstairs to potter around on the Corner and shortly I'll go and sleep on the sofa downstairs!!
Can hardly believe it's December!! Where has this year gone? I have very mixed feelings about Christmas. It's going to be much quieter than last year - in a way it's nice that it will be just the four of us but in other respects I'll be thinking rather sadly about "absent friends" and what a busy, interesting festive season it was last year!!
P and I are going to brave the Christmas shopping on Monday. Liverpool has a Christmas market which should be fun so we'll check that out.
Today (Sunday) we are going to my in-laws for Sunday dinner (roast lamb...I can't wait!!)and then P & K are off to watch Everton.
I wish the rain would stop!! I wish the dawn would come!

I just talked to my friend in Canada. She is in the hospital again. I was shocked at how weak and tired she sounds. She is also worried about her mum, who is sick too and waiting for test results. I miss her so much. More than I could ever express. She is one of the bravest people I know. I wish I was there with her.

She knows me inside out, warts and all, and she still likes me. I'm so lucky to know her. I miss her. I miss her SO MUCH.

This is the song I want played at the end of my funeral. I heard it in the last episode of (I think) Series 4 of "Sex & the City" and I just fell in love with the words and the fabulous disco beat. It's an upbeat song with words that mean a lot to me and I can never help dancing whenever I hear it.The artist is AMBER.

It's also for someone who means the world to me - you know who you are!!

Love lifts us up
Love lifts us up

Remember the pain we put each other through
Remember the tears you cried, I cried too
Remember how close we came to giving up
Remember the holidays that were destroyed
Remember the arguments we employed
Remember the lines we drew and the lines we crossed

If we had known it would be so hard
Would we have set out on this road together
Now when I look into your eyes I can see forever


We're flying above the clouds
So beautiful & clear
We're flying above the clouds
I can see happiness from here

Love lifts us up
Love lifts us up

Remember the silence living in the dark
Remember the desperation in my heart
Remember how close we came to giving up

We were caught up in our storm
I didn't think that we would make it
We have only stood our ground
Now the storm is breaking

We're flying above the clouds
So beautiful & clear
We're flying above the clouds
I can see happiness from here

Sweet love to a higher ground
Love lifts us up
Love lifts us up

If we had known it would be so hard
Would we have set out on this road together
Now when I look into your eyes I can see forever

We're flying above the clouds
So beautiful & clear
We're flying above the clouds
I can see happiness from here

We're flying so beautiful
Love lifts us up
There is so much happiness
Don't ever stop

I had a "near miss" driving home last night. I was going through a traffic-light controlled junction of two busy roads - the lights were in my favour and had not even STARTED to change - when a car completely ignored the lights and came shooting out from my right. I braked hard and luckilydespite the wet road did not skid and I missedhim/her. We were both travelling at some speed so I imagine the collision, had it happened, would have been violent. I was so lucky!!

The Photographer's Corner Guardian Angel

I'm a real mixed bundle of emotions today. The habits of love and friendship are difficult to break. This poem says it all, really.



I'd like to be the sort of friend that
you have been to me;
I'd like to be the help that
you've been always glad to be;

I'd like to mean as much to you
each minute of the day
As you have meant, old friend of mine,
to me along the way.

I'd like to do the big things and
the splendid things for you,
To brush the gray from out your skies
and leave them only blue;

I'd like to say the kindly things that
I so oft have heard,
And feel that I could rouse your soul
the way that mine you've stirred.

I'd like to give you back the joy
that you have given me,
Yet that were wishing you a need
I hope will never be;

I'd like to make you feel as rich as I,
who travel on
Undaunted in the darkest hours with you to
lean upon.

I'm wishing at this time that I
could but repay
A portion of the gladness that
you've strewn along my way;

And could I have one wish this year,
this only would it be:
I'd like to be the sort of friend
that you have been to me.

- Edgar A Guest -

I am also thinking of RG, whose funeral was today, and her family. Apparently the crowd at the church was just enormous - so many young people come to say goodbye to their friend whose life was cut short so tragically.

I was listening to this song while out walking tonight and the lyrics really spoke to me....

I'm here, just like I said
Though it's breaking every rule I've ever made
My racing heart, is just the same;
Why make it strong to break it once again?
And I'd love to say "I do";
Give everything to you
But I could never now be true

So I say...
I think I better leave right now
Before I fall any deeper
I think I better leave right now
Feeling weaker and weaker
Somebody better show me how
Before I fall any deeper
I think I better leave right now

I'm here, so please explain
Why you're opening up a healing wound again
I'm a little more careful, perhaps it shows
But if I lose the highs at least I’m spared the lows
Now I tremble in your arms
What could be the harm?
To feel my spirit calm?

So I say...
I think I better leave right now
Before I fall any deeper
I think I better leave right now
Feeling weaker and weaker
Somebody better show me how
Before I fall any deeper
I think I better leave right now

I wouldn't know how to say
How good it feels seeing you today
I see you've got your smile back
Like you say - you're right on track
But you may never know why
Once bitten, twice as shy
If I'm proud, perhaps I should explain
I couldn't bear to loose you again

Yes, I will.
I think I better leave right now
Feeling weaker and weaker
Somebody better show me how
Before I fall any deeper...
I think I better leave right now

It's nearly a month since I blogged. I thought about giving up but decided not to. It's good to have an outlet at times! I got this firework photo on the BBC website although my good friend T's picture is much better. A couple of us went to a firework display and I used my tripod to take a few pictures. Unfortunately I got lots of shots of the woman immediately in front of me and her fetching bobble hat but this was one that tuned out ok.
I'm looking at a glorious full moon through my window right now.
The kitten is growing up but still very keen on sucking my hair. I wish he wouldn't launch himself at my back and then claw his way up. He's heavier now and that REALLY hurts!

The best thing about long walks in the dark is that no-one can see you are crying. My dear friend K in Canada is in hospital AGAIN. I am so worried for her and I miss her so much. There is so much I need to tell her and get her advice on but I can't. Please, God, make her well!

I haven't posted in a few days. My emotions are all over the place. First, I saw the doctor about my physical problems. It was humiliating and unpleasant but she was kind, and it seems I have IBS. I am on a high-fibre diet and some medication (called Spasmodol - the name of which for some reason cracks me up!)

i am still pretty much in my black zone although i'm managing to function ok. Sometimes I feel great; really happy and then wham, I'm shaking inside. I think that's part of where my IBS comes from as fear and anxiety go straight to my stomach. It is driving me mad because everything is pretty much ok in my life. I have friends facing terrible problems but I'm just trying to get through each perfectly normal day when instead I want to stay in bed.

I feel safe in bed. I also feel safe in the house and weirdly, in my car. I don't feel safe at work and in fact am often terrified of going there; but when I'm actually there it's not too bad.

I wish i could make sense of all this.

I am really frightened. I don't feel at all well. I really don't want to see the doctor.

I feel also as if a massive black cloud has swooped down on me and I can't see my way out. i want to run away but it's all around me.

I'm scared.

We finally have a new computer. The old one just kept crashing and crashing repeatedly - on Tuesday i came home from work and it carshed 10 times as i was trying to download some email. So we bought a new one. It arrived on Friday and P has it up and running. It's wonderful.

So I might be actually able to post in my blog a bit more often these days.

I am still feeling off colour but I can't face going to the doctor in case he decides he needs to "investigate" LOL. I just know inside I'm not functioning right, I'm in a lot of pain and I'm tired all the time.

P is really, really miserable at work and I feel so sorry for him but i can't help. it is hard to live with someone who is so stressed and angry so much of the tiume. Every morning starts the same way - he wakes up and says "God, i had a terrible night...I'm so tired." He isn't sleeping but won't see the doctor about it. We're a terrible pair, I know.

I am feeling very insecure again. How the hell does one get self-confidence?? Or self-esteem? Why am i always such a bloody needy chick? I'm 45 for Gods sake - when do i become mature?

I just read a funny book called "Confessions of a failed grown-up" by Stephanie Calman. At least i know I'm not the only person in the world who still feels they have a mental age of around 13.

Today I popped to the supermarket for a chicken and spent £60 on groceries. I should go back to internet ordering. I also managed to wander off for several aisles with somebody else's trolley.

S is doing quite well at high school - she got her first merit the other day. She's making new friends too which is good! K wasn't happy on Thursday. When getting changed for PE she noticed her PE shirt was damp. She sniffed it...cat pee! She had to wear it and pretend she didn't know where the horrid smell was coming from. Tiggy strikes again LOL

Is there a curse on photography websites? It seems the Cafe server has also crashed and the site is unavailable right now.

Our new "Corner" looks good and it's nice to see so many members joining right away. A is working very hard to keep up with the glitches that arrive thick and fast whenever you launch a new website.

I am very anxious as I've only had one brief email from K in Alberta since she got home from hospital, and my phone messages have not been returned. I don't want to be a pest and keep bothering her.

I'm also worried I've not heard from another friend, AS. I hope she's ok and I miss her.

I'm not feeling 100% and am wondering if I may have IBS - isn't the internet great for self-diagnosis? I don't really want to go to the doctor in case they investigate further - yuck, don't fancy THAT at all. It's a pretty embarrassing condition all round. Oh well...I reckon I've had this on and off sonce I was in California so I guess a bit longer won't hurt - it's not like it's curable anyway.

I am exchanging emails with my brother. It is really nice but I'm nervous in case things go wrong. Sometimes I wonder if I'm cut out for any human relationships at all - maybe I should have been a hermit.

What a week :(

The photography website that I'm Admin of has been lost to the depths of cyberspace due to an unfixable server error. The site owner has worked her socks off trying to recover it and at the same time trying to build us a new site. Hopefully this will go "live" at the weekend. I'm heartbroken to think of all we've lost from the old site - but our members have been really supportive and are eagerly awaiting the new site. I'm sure we'll lose some but we won't be defeated by this disaster!

Apart from that, I've been working extra hours so have had less time on the internet than usual. S seems to be settling down ok into high school after the first awful day when she said she wouldn't be going again!! Now she has made some friends and seems to be getting on ok.She looks great in her new uniform (see above)

I am feeling much happier and more postive. I've done a lot of thinking and reflecting and trying to get things into perspective. I'm feeling less insecure. Hope these good feelings last.



The new kitten is growing fast and is very entertaining. We all love him a lot, it's hard to take a pic of him as he never stops moving but here are a couple anyway.

My Best Friends & I
by Karen L. Schenk

Throughout the years
I have had many different girls and women as my best friends.
They have all been very different from each other.
Yet somehow they have all been similar.
They had characteristics that blended with mine.
They were kindred spirits with me --
they were truly the soulmates of my life.


Together, these best friends and I
have laughed, cared, talked, listened, and cried.
Together we played, worked, and dreamed.
Such special friends were they, that at times,
we enjoyed doing nothing together.
Years have gone by
and I sometimes wonder
where they have all gone.
Some have moved.
Some developed different interests.
These were friends whom I once thought
I could never live without.

The best friends of my life
have had an integral part
in me becoming who I am today.
They brought out the best and the worst in me.
They loved me enough to confront, to challenge and to console.
They encouraged me in my strengths and
helped me overcome my weaknesses.

Though I know not where they live,
have discovered where they all left something for me.
It is a room -- a delightful room which lies within my heart.

It is one of my most favorite places.
I go there when I am lonely, sad
or when I want to remember... and be with
the treasured golden memories
the best friends of my life left for me.

Forever -- my friends will be a part of me
as I hold onto and cherish them
in that special room in my heart.

I have just been reading an article on the BBC website about the way New York City has changed since 9/11.

This quote is from press photographer David Handschuh, who was possibly the first photographer on the scene after the first plane went into the Tower. He was trapped under the falling debris from the second tower and badly injured.

"Having a good day with my kids is the most precious gift that I could have in the entire world," he says.

"Waking up the next morning and looking out the window and whether it's snowing or raining or storming or brutally hot or freezing cold, it's another day that we get to experience things on this Earth."

This man has seen such horrors; yet he can feel grateful for each day that he is alive. It's humbling.

I'm sad and worried and lonely right now but i have hope that things will get better.

I'm feeling very sad tonight. It seems as if there's going to be a big change in my life and I'm not sure how I'm going to handle it.

Work was really hectic yesterday. It's one of our busiest days of the year as it follows a four-day closure for the August Bank Holiday. For once we had plenty of staff so it felt pleasantly busy instead of grindingly so. I even got some time at my desk to catch up on stuff.

I heard that applicants for my dream job were VERY high powered academics, teachers and even one psychiatrist. So knowing that i would probably have not even got to interview makes me feel better - not as if I'd had to walk away from a wonderful opportunity due to home circumstances.

I visited a friend from the Corner after work; we had a very pleasant chatty evening (well, I did!!) She is a film buff and like me thinks nothing of watching the same film over and over and still enjoying the experience. We watched "Pride & Prejudice". I got home about 12.30 and realised to my horror I'd forgotten my house key. I seriously considered sleeping in the car rather than waking the Kraken (P) but it had to be done!!

Today is my last day of "time off in lieu" of the summer. S has a sleepover tonight and we said we'd take all the kids to Pizza Hut as an end of the holidays treat. I'm not planning on doing much today, just ironing and general chores.

I wore my pedometer all day yesterday but FORGOT TO SWITCH IT ON!! What a blonde moment.

Bad days for relationships!!

Feeling grumpy? Well, today is the day couples are most likely to have an argument, according to a relationship expert.

The theory is that post-holiday blues combined with the end of the summer and no more bank holidays until Christmas conspire together to make August 30 the day tempers will fray.

Paula Hall, a sexual and relationship psychotherapist, said the arguments can be explained by a simple equation: Post-Holiday Depression + Financial Strains - Lack of Light/Domestic Chaos = Relationship Stress.

"By August 30, tensions have reached an all time high, as couples realise their summer is well and truly over," Hall said.

"This often manifests itself in bickering and needless arguments which is not healthy for the well-being of a relationship."

Thanks to YAHOO for that cheery piece of news!! It's lucky that P has gone to London today and won't be back until mid-evening.

He wasn't happy with me yesterday! He got home and I was on the phone, but as soon as I could excuse myself I ended the call - served dinner right away and tried to talk but he wasn't responding very well. Afterwards he went into the sitting room with tea and started watching a TV show he'd recorded. I pottered around a bit then watched another TV show with S. P went up to the computer room where he stayed for the next two hours, then came down to do dishes. Then I went onto the computer and at some point he must have gone to bed although he didn't say goodnight :( or tell me he was going. I missed him!!! It sometimes seems lately that we are never actually in the same room for more than half an hour at a time.

I know one of the problems is we both want time on the computer. I am happy to go on late evening but he doesn't like me coming to bed late. So we alternate during the evening and thus don't spend any time together.

I certainly have "end of the summer" blues. Now it's almost upon me I'm DREADING working that extra day! I keep saying "extra money, extra money!" but it's not really working. I'm already starting with the sick pains in my stomach and I still have over a week to go before it starts. I don't know why i get in such a state about work. It's as if there's some demon lurking there that I can't see but am afraid will leap out at me. Is this how paranoia starts????

There are times when I only feel "safe" at home or when in my own routine. I don't mean I'm afraid to go out as I'm not - I just want to be in familiar places.

Anyway, I am going to take Sian swimming so had better get myself moving.

I see the Photog Cafe has a new moderator called Julie!! It seems weird to see my name up there in blue although I was always CG.It seems these days that if you are an active member for a few weeks you get asked to be a moderator! It is one way of ensuring a degree of loyalty I suppose.

I manage to go whole weeks now without visiting there - progress!

It surprises me how hurt I still feel by all that went on there. And what a bad judge of character I was - how easily I was taken in by that grand manipulator, PS. With the benefit of hindsight and from talking to others I can see how she groomed all of us in turn. How she made us feel special and unique. How she'd confide in each of us, warning us not to tell anyone else, as she felt she could rely on our discretion....and then you'd accidentally find out she'd told half-a-dozen people the same thing. How she told me all about a fellow admin's marital problems to say nothing of forwarding me private emails!!

I can't believe it took me so long to see how insincere the whole ethos of that site actually is! Some of the Corner members who have joined there too have told me they soon realised the "niceness" and chummy atmosphere was only on the surface.More fool me!

I don't suppose PS loses an iota of sleep over how she treated me and others, or that one tiny ripple of self-doubt ever disturbs the complacency of her self-satisfied mind. Maybe one day she'll do a bit of soul-searching and realise her actions and behaviour have long-lasting effects on others but I doubt it.

I'm breaking off from my holiday blog - I'm feeling sad tonight. Was going to have an early night but ended up staying up late and posting comments on the Corner. I can't sleep when I'm sad.

P has invited family over tomorrow for a big BBQ. He looked at the forecast and it was fine!! The latest forecast we checked had it raining here in the northwest at 4pm - exactly when the grill is due to be lit. Oh dear...

Good news is that S has a place in the next riding class up - on alternate weeks. She's been awaiting this promotion for some time and we are both thrilled. She'll be riding bigger horses and jumping again. Sadly I won't get to see her ride on Saturday next as I'm working :(

I must go to bed or I'll be totally wiped out tomorrow and no use as a hostess - not that I am in any case!

Monday 7th August
We went to Brinkburn Priory today. It was sunny and warm and the Priory was as beautiful and tranquil as we remembered it from last visit!





Afterwards we drove to Warkworth Castle where we had a picnic. I had fun looking through windows at the view and then trying to under-expose to get the detail in the window surrounds as well as outside!
Afterwards we hired a boat on the river for an hour and both Phil and Kate rowed very well. Walked around Warkworth Village and had coffee. On the way back we stopped in Rothbury and bought sausages at the good butchers there - Simonside Sizzlers and Cragside Cracklers LOL.

Tuesday 8th August
We went to Belsay House, Castle and gardens for a relaxing day wandering around the estate. We watched a game of croquet which was interesting even though we didn't understand it! I have some birthday cards and a very mysterious parcel waiting for me back at the cottage!!


Wednesday 9th August - MY BIRTHDAY!!

I can't help being childishly excited on my birthdays! Phil had got up early to take photos of the sunrise but Gerry texted me at 7 am and T rang me around 8 am for a lovely chat. P eventually got home and I opened my cards and presents. I had a beautiful and extravagant box of chocs from T! Then my parents in law phoned.
After bacon sandwiches for breakfast we went to Alnwick Gardens. The Treehouse was a bit of a letdown - unfriendly staff and we totally failed to get served in the cafe! we enjoyed the cascades and the gardens and especially the poison garden, the sculpture garden and the bamboo maze.We had a special birthday meal in the Anglers Arms. A really happy day!! I was given a beautiful Radley bag, purse and make-up case plus a protective case for my MP3 player and the Nigella Lawson book "Feast".

Saturday 5th August
The Piries went home today. We went to Bamburgh Castle and flew Sian's new kite on the beach then had a picnic in the car.Then we drove to Lindisfarne (Holy Island), visited the castle and the priory. Sadly the sun had gone in and the skies clouded over so not so good for photos. On the way home we had a wonderful dinner at a pub called The Anglers Arms.

Friday,August 4th
Today we went to Chillingham Castle - supposedly haunted!We met up with the Pirie family from next door there. The torture chamber was just as gruesome as we remembered from last time! Put Sian and Bethany in the stocks :)but relented and let them out again later.


Took some pics of the flowers in the knot garden.

Thursday, August 3rd


Bright and sunny day so we went to Dunstanburgh Castle.


After that we had lunch in the Cragside tearoom and explored the estate some more. We found a couple more of the "Inside, outside" installations including a bed floating on a lake!


Phil and I took our regular evening walk after supper.

Tuesday 1st August
Bright start to the day but everyone late getting up! We went to Cragside and wandered around the grounds between showers. Flowers looked amazing!




We looked at the strange art installations they have around called "Inside outside".

In the afternoon we walked from the cottage to Rothbury Vilage. Later I met a lovely sheepdog called Moss belonging to Tosson Tower Farm.

Northumberland holiday diary
Sunday 30th July
Today was sunny and breezy. I took some photos of the cottage, view from the cottage and the lane this morning. We went grocery shopping to Alnwick...holiday or not, we have to eat therefore we have to shop! In the afternoon we climbed the hill behind the cottage and admired the view with our neighbours. After supper we played cards and went for a walk.

I am home from my trip! We returned yesterday and although I'm still swamped with unpacking, laundry etc I wanted to stop by my blog. We had a great trip. I kept a holiday diary which I hope to upload with pictures over the next few days.

The photo is of a hanging sculpture by fashion designer Stella McCartney which is in the entrance hall of Belsay House, Northumberland. It's called "Lucky Spot" and is very beautiful; my photo sadly doesn't do it justice!

I've not been online much as this computer is sick and we really need a new one.It crashes 8 or 9 times on start up and someyimes I just can't face going through all that!

My friend K in Canada is in the hospital and I'm very worried about her. I thought I was going to lose her but as usual she is fighting back. We talked the last two nights on the phone and she she sounded great; we had a laugh. I love her so much! She knows everything about me and she accepts it and loves me as I am. That's a great gift and i treasure her.

I'm packing for our two-week holiday to Northumberland. I love going away but i hate the packing. I wish the packing fairies would do it all for me.At least the girls are old enough to pack for themselves these days.

My friend T visited this week; we had a lovely time. We went to Speke Hall and on the Ferry across the Mersey. It was great to spend time with her.I'm going to miss her loads while we are away - wish she was coming too LOL.

I'm hoping to take LOTS of pictures; Northumberland has wonderful scenery to say nothing of old castles and coast.

The heatwave continues here and although I'm hoping for slightly cooler weather I don't want it to rain on our holiday.

I am annoyed with myself for being insecure and jealous. I hate it when I get like this. I can hear the "sensible" part of me telling me to grow up and stop being so childish - then the other voice takes over and i get afraid.

I really get on my own nerves at times like this; must be even worse for other people!

The Open Golf....

It took me a long time to get to work today. The traffic trying to get to Hoylake and the Open was terrible. What scared me was the lunatic behaviour of some drivers on the motorway. At one point I thought I was going to die! For various reasons (non intentional) I ended up driving through Hoylake. It looked pretty and very continental with lots of pavement cafes and loads of happy-looking people milling around in the sunshine. I saw several rickshaws in the West Kirby and Hoylake area!! What a fun idea someone's had!

At lunchtime I walked around the marine lake, enjoying the sight of numerous dogs having a dip in the water. I hope one day there'll be another dog in my life.

S's concert on Wednesday night and her Leavers assembly last night were great. She did so well. It's the end of an era though as she moves up to High School. She did really well in her SATS and both she and K got excellent reports. I'm proud of them.

I'm feeling sad though, as I see them grow up I feel them slipping away from me. I'm going to be a terrible empty-nester, I suppose.

Hurray, it's the holidays; I'm now only working four more days until the start of September thanks to all the extra hours the council owe me. Even after taking this time back I'm still 30+ hours in credit with them.

Time for bed - another stifling night ahead.

We are roasting here in our heatwave conditions! I've just spent a very uncomfortable 90 minutes in the hairdressers getting my hair coloured and it wasn't fun sitting having a bow dry on a vinyl chair in 34C temperatures!!

It's hard to sleep at night. The fan does help but i tend to wake up when it switches itself off. I don't qite feel safe leaving it running all night.

Tonight we are going to a "Last night of the Proms" concert that Sian is in; I think we'll all melt in the heat. I almost wish i was at work as that is air conditioned.

I keep looking everywhere for Charlie and even talking to him still. We got his ashes back and are going to scatter them in the Lakes on Sunday I think. P posted a photo of him and a little tribute on the Corner and A (site owner) started a little "In memory of Charlie" thread. I'm touched that so many people understand how it feels to lose a much loved pet - and have been kind enough to send me their thoughts.

Well, it's too hot to sit here so I'm off to drink more water!

I have had such a busy day today at work - no time to brood on Charlie, which was good. The Open Golf Championship is being held near where I work and it has thrown the locality into chaos. Local residents aren't sure how they'll be affected and are coming to us for advice and help. We aren't even sure if we'll find parking spaces near the library next week....!

S came home from her adventure holiday. She was very upset about Charlie. Apart from that, she was full of all she'd been doing.

K and P were wonderful last night. K went to the vets with her dad and stayed in the room stroking Charlie until the end. P and K came to work because they were worried about me driving home upset and K chatted about school to me all the way home...keeping me distracted. I love her so much...she's been so mature and kind to me. I even got two hugs - without having to ask!!

My friend AS sent me some flowers - the most beautiful bunch in a gorgeous glass vase. We've not met but I think the world of her...she's special.Phil's friend G sent me a card - despite the fact he and i have had cat v dog arguments over the years! I've had such kind messages from my "blogger" friends too...thanks, everyone. I am truly blessed with my family and friends!

I've been thinking a lot about the Kipling poem. Despite the sadness that comes from losing our animal companions, all the years we've had loving them and caring for them and being loved in return outweighs that sadness a thousand times. Charlie was a rescue dog who'd been ill-treated and I know he was happy with us. So I'm going to make sure I keep thinking of that in the days to come.

I'm looking forward to the weekend as I'm not working and S is home! Plus it's going to be SUNNY!

My dog, Charlie, who died today. Thanks for 17 years of love and loyalty, Charlie. I'll never forget you. When I came home tonight the house was so empty without you.


The Power of the Dog
by
Rudyard Kipling

There is sorrow enough in the natural way
From men and women to fill our day;
And when we are certain of sorrow in store,
Why do we always arrange for more?
Brothers and sisters, I bid you beware
Of giving your heart to a dog to tear.

Buy a pup and your money will buy
Love unflinching that cannot lie--
Perfect passsion and worship fed
By a kick in the ribs or a pat on the head.
Nevertheless it is hardly fair
To risk your heart to a dog to tear.

When the fourteen years which Nature permits
Are closing in asthma, or tumour, or fits,
And the vet's unspoken prescription runs
To lethal chambers or loaded guns,
Then you will find--it's your own affair--
But ... you've given your heart to a dog to tear.

When the body that lived at your single will,
With its whimper of welcome, is stilled (how still!)
When the spirit that answered your every mood
Is gone--wherever it goes--for good,
You will discover how much you care,
And will give your heart to a dog to tear.

We've sorrow enough in the natural way,
When it comes to burying Christian clay.
Our loves are not given, but only lent,
At compound interest of cent per cent.
Though it is not always the case, I believe,
That the longer we've kept 'em, the more do we grieve:
For, when debts are payable, right or wrong,
A short-term loan is as bad as a long--
So why in--Heaven (before we are there)
Should we give our hearts to a dog to tear?

When the body that lived at your single will,
When the whimper of welcome is stilled
(HOW STILL!)
When the spirit that answered your every mood
Is gone - wherever it goes - for good,
You soon discover how much you care,
And give your heart to a NEW dog to tear.

I am waiting in work for the phone to ring. I am not sure what I'm hoping for. All afternoon I tried to decide if I should go home...I was not sure I can face the vet's. K rang and said Charlie looked uncomfortable and as if he couldn't get up.That was at 4 this afternoon. I've not heard anything and now it's nearly 6 pm. Part of me wants to at least see him once more to say a proper goodbye - the other part just wants it to be over. I'm ashamed of my cowardly feelings - that I can't face the thought of seeing the light go out of his eyes.I wanted him to die in his sleep one night.

Of course I might go home and he'll be feeling better.....P hasn't phoned me and I daren't phone him. I'm dreading the drive home; i cried all the way to work this morning.

Everytime I've cried in the last 17 years, if Charlie has been there he's come and sat with me. He has always been on my side; never judged me or given me advice but just loved me. He was there when Mum and Dad died; when I thought I might lose K during my pregnancy. He was there through all the bad times in my life...

He's the best dog in the world.

P is taking Charlie to see "our" vet, John, tonight at 4.20. I don't know what will happen. We found Charlie distressed and soaked in urine this morning. He was trembling and seemed very miserable. He's been doubly incontinent for some time now but it seems to be getting worse and worse. He was always such a clean dog.

I love him so much. He's been my companion for 17 years.I know he's "only a dog" but still...I can't bear to lose him.

S has called a couple of times and although she says she had a little cry last night because she missed us she is doing ok and having a lot of fun. She was telling me that the food is great and there's plenty of it.

I went for an hours walk earlier.

This afternoon I had a pedicure. I really enjoyed it and felt wonderfully relaxed. Then as I was getting in the car I knocked my toe on the gas pedal and scraped off some polish - damn! I managed to repair it but it's not quite as good....

Charlie just threw up on the hall floor. He is virtually incontinent now - P doesn't think it can be much longer.

I just said goodbye to S. I cried all the way back to the car. I am praying she doesn't have any friendship problems while she is away. Her school friendships are so volatile and things are often more intense on holiday....I don't want to think of her having no-one to talk to if things go wrong.

But on the positive side she's really excited and looking forward to the trip and I'm sure she'll enjoy all the activities as much as her sister did two years ago.

I'm off to the gym to (hopefully) distract me from worrying!

I have had a great Sunday! I didn't do a lot which is probably why it was good. I had a lie in and read my book; got up and did some baking then just pottered around the house. Watched a "True Movie", pottered some more - then had a shower and we went to see the new Pirates of the Carribean film which was excellent.

Tomorrow S goes away with school for a week...my baby! She's never been away from home longer than a night before and I'm going to miss her so much. She is so excited...I'm praying all goes well for her and the staff keep her safe.

S on her 11th birthday at a nearby shire horse centre.

I have a friend in hospital. I am worried about her. Lately I don't feel I've been a good enough friend to her.

Another very hot day here in England. Tonight I've been to an induction evening at the high school and we collected S's uniform for september. I have very mixed feelings about my baby going to high school. It's the end of an era. I don't feel she is as ready as her big sister was either but after her tour round tonight and meeting her form teacher she seems fairly ok about everything. It will simplify life having them both at the same school again...but the days of nativity plays and cake sales etc are over for me and i feel a bit sad about it.

At my baby bounce session this morning I was looking round at the mums and babies and thinking how fleeting those days of babyhood are and you just don't know it at the time. I love my girls more the older they get but it's a different relationship - well, I can't reduce them to giggles anymore by pretending to throw them up in the air! We are evolving but I'm not sure yet what we're evolving into!

When will i start to feel like a grown up? Someone who has all the answers? Sometimes i feel the older I get the less i know about life. i am tired of making so many mistakes as they don't just impact on me but on everyone else.

On the exercise front I went for a bike ride. After my course tomorrow I'll swim and then hopefully walk in the evening.

I slept very little! it was so hot. I put the fan on but P started sighing about the noise it makes. He was louder than the fan! So i switched it off. But it was too muggy. On goes fan again...At some point P and I had a chat as neither of us could settle. In a funny way I enjoyed that. It was nice to talk to him again as we've both been so busy lately always running off in opposite directions.

Shortly after the bloody birds started singing!!

The weekend exercise diary - Saturday i walked for an hour and took a bike ride with Sian. Yesterday we walked for an hour or two around the shire horse centre and I went for a short walk just before bedtime.

Today am off to aerobics, the gym and a dash into chester.

Well, another weekend is over. Today was S's birthday and i think she had a good time. We went to a shire horse centre; I think i enjoyed it more than she did.

I'm seriously thinking of volunteering to help with the local branch of Riding for the Disabled. I've never got over my horse obsession and it would be good to get some horse time as well as supporting a good cause. I'll make some enquiries.

It's so hot. Hope I can sleep!!

It's 7.30 and I have been awake since 4 am!! Not good....

Work was very busy yesterday. It looks like from September I could work almost full-time if I want to since my other half (at work) looks like being absent a lot on secondment. It could be very good financially especially as we are saving hard for the trip to California next summer (with a stop in Chicago hopefully to meet my fellow blogger MEL!)

I am trying to decide about booking a trip to Canada in the early autumn, especially after a long chat with K the other night. In some respects it will be easier to arrange this time as we don't have the after-school child care issues we did on my last trip. On the other hand it is two weeks away from my family and I'll get guilty feelings about that.....Decisions, decisions....!

Not really any exercise as such yesterday apart from a walk round shops at lunch time but then it was very hectic at work and I didn't sit down nor eat much. Today doesn't promise to be much better staff-wise.

P is away in Gloucester on a business trip and won't be back until late.

I have been waking up with feelings of dread again just lately as if the day has something horrible in store for me. It's like an enemy with no face. There's nothing to fight against if I can't see what it is I'm fighting....

Last night P was out and I was lonely so I tackled the pine box where I keep paperwork and stuff and had a bit of a filing and sorting session. Of course I found it full of Phil's "stuff" - when I complain too much about the piles of paperwork he leaves around the house he tends to scoop it up and shove it out of sight!

I found a lot of cards that the girls have made or sent me over the years so have put them into folders. I started doing that with the letters and cards etc that T has given me and it seems a good way of keeping together those precious things that you will look back on fondly in years to come. I did get tearful looking through them.

I have been thinking a lot about something my friend M in the US is doing. She is a photographer and has volunteered her services to take pics of babies that die at birth or soon after so the parents have a lasting memory of a life that never even started. She got her first call this past weekend and interrupted her camping trip to answer it. I am in awe of her courage in doing this. I'm not sure i could.

At the top of the post is a pic of me, aged 5.

I am home from a couple of nights visiting T in Leeds. It was warm and sunny in Leeds but wet and drizzly here in Helsby.

We had a couple of trips out; to the Home Farm and Temple Newsham and to Tropical World at Roundhay Park - I've been taught how to pronounce that like the "locals".

We've done quite a bit of walking so the exercise part of my new regime hasn't gone by the board. Have had some healthy sandwiches and light meals too.

it is always hard to say goodbye to T but was especially so today.

I'm thinking that I should keep a sort of exercise diary in my blog to encourage me!

Yesterday I walked around the Marine Lake in my lunch hour (45 minutes of brisk walking) and in the evening I persuaded P to accompany me on a partly up-hill walk of about an hour. It's also a nice way to get some time to talk to him.

S rode well today on her lesson. I'm still thinking of booking some private lessons for her during the summer as the fact that she can't yet move up a class is really holding her back.

K asked me to write a short piece for her parents Golden Wedding lunch today. They are going to read it out! I'm really touched. I so want to return to Canada but two weeks away from the family is such a lot...I miss K a lot. Over the years we've been writing we've shared so much. I don't think there is anyone (maybe not even Phil) who knows so much about me and yet still loves me warts and all.

I'm missing A in CA too. But at least I have next summer to look forward to and plan. And that's another good reason to keep up the diet and exercise plan.

Had a real health scare this week - well, not me, but a colleague and it's got me thinking/worrying, as I do. She had a TIA (like a mini-stroke) quite out of the blue and she's only a little older than me. Apparently her blood pressure is really high, she needs to lose weight and her cholesterol is high also. She is going to have treatment etc and the outlook is good but it's shaken her and made me concerned about myself. I have always had low blood pressure and my cholesterol was fine last time it was checked but these things change.....I know I need to lose some weight. I exercise a lot but I'll try to do more, watch my food intake more carefully and make sure I keep up with the cholesterol-lowering yoghurt drinks!

I had started going for evening walks with 3 friends but they go really fast and my ankle and knee joints are crippled afterwards. So i'm going to carry on the walks but at my own pace. Maybe Phil will come with me sometimes. Also, the nights I don't walk I'll cycle with S.

Am off to visit T on Sunday in Leeds. I'm looking forward to it. At least I know my way now!!

Terrible news this week...

Two of my friends have had the most awful news in the last week. I am struggling to come to terms with the unfairness of it all.

Sometimes life just seems so randomly cruel it's unbearable. How do any of us carry on? Because we have to? Because others need us?

I don't have any answers. I don't know how to be a friend in these circumstances. Nothing I can say or do can alter what will happen. I don't know anything.

It's been ages since I blogged. Life has been busy. I am supposedly on jury service this week and last week. I only served two days last week on an actual jury and the case was amazingly trivial. The worst thing was the attitudes of some of the other jurors. It all comes out...the racial remarks disguised as jokes, religious intolerance and above all SEXISM - that's certainly alive and well in 2006!

T came to stay for the weekend and she left yesterday.it's always quite hard when she goes as I like the company. So far I've not been required in court this week but have to ring again tonight after 5pm to see if they want me tomorrow.

I've been trying to do more exercise and going for longish fast walks three evenings a week. I did an hour in the gym this morning followed by an hours body toning class. If I'm not in court tomorrow I'll go for a swim.

I'm dreading going to work again. What is it about work? It's ok when I get there. But the anticipation makes me ill. Every single week...

I'm concerned about my friend AS who is very much incommunicado right now.I miss hearing from her but i think i need to give her space.

S is doing sex education at school today! I've told her she can ask me about anything she's not understood when she gets home. We have already had the period talk three times and she keeps forgetting....

Our warm weather is over at least for now and it's gone windy, cool and damp. Hope we haven't seen the last of summer!

Venice

We got to Venice after all, thanks to Phil's great parents still agreeing to mind the girls while we were away despite their recent bereavement. The flight was on time and the bus transfer went smoothly; we met with Carla as planned by the Rialto Bridge and she showed us our room in the B&B which was right off a shopping street in the heart of the city but three floors up! We unpacked quickly; the room had really high ceilings and built in cupboards with a very hight hanging rail for clothes - I thought at first it was a crazy arrangement until I found the hooked pole with which we lifted and lowered the clothes hangers!!

We went out as soon as we'd unpacked and headed down st Piazza San Marco which was hot and crowded. P wanted to try some candid people shots. I got a couple of ones I was quite pleased with. We wandered for ages and found the Teatro La Fenice which we'd missed last visit. P took some great photos of a mime dressed as a staue. We ate dinner at a little place we'd found last year with delicious food.





Sleeping wasn't easy as the street below us was noisy and so narrow that the sound sort of funnelled upwards! We eventually dropped off and awoke to the sound of RAIN!! Not rain! we'd left rain in England, or so we had hoped. We still got up for 6 am and went out to take photos. By mid morning the rain had cleared and the sun was out. We took a vaporetto down to Arsenale and just walked and walked - Via Garibaldi was really interesting. We ended up by Academia via the troghetto. That evening we tried a different restaurant near Academia which had wonderful food - caprese salad followed by beef stew and polenta. We went walking out to Santa Maria della Salute for the great view back across the Grand Canal to San Marco then got the vaporetto to San Marco and took in the square at night when it's much more attractive with bands playing at the various cafes vying to get the best audiences. Our favourites were a charismatic quartet playing selections from the Sound of Music with great verve and panache.

On Monday we got up at 6 again and the light was glorious. We had another early-morning vaporetto trip. After breakfast we went to Fondemente Nuove and caught a vaporetto out past the cemetery island of San Michelle to Murano. Murano was lovely but very hot. The basillica was lovely with interesting brick work outside and beautiful mosaic floors inside and a glass staue of Christ crucified that was gorgeous. We then caught the next boat to Burano which was really astonishing. We'd heard about the colourful houses but nothing really prepares you for them!! We wandred for ages before and after lunch taking lots of photos. Then sat in the shade for a bit by the side of a lagoon. Phil bought lovely silk scarves for me and his mum and got chatted up by the lovely shop assistant!




That evening we went back to San Marco after eating for a reprisal of the free concerts. That night we were feasted upon by mosquitos. It was only when I was packing that I realised what I thought was a plug-in air freshener was in fact a mosquito repellant!! I am now so covered in bites I look like I've been pebble-dashed.

On our last morning we rose at 6 as usual and went to Rialto. We explored the fruit and veg and fish markets there which are something to see - so many varieties of everything; I'd love to shop there instead of Tesco! It was very hard to say goodbye to Venice again knowing that this time we won't be back for quite some time.

I have even more great memories - I love prowling the streets and narrow calles early in the morning and late at night; I love the washing hanging above our heads everywhere we go, the little bar where we grabbed early morning coffees. The sound of Italian everywhere.....even the vu-cumpra (illegal bag sellers) with their cheek and their sales patter! I love the absence of cars and the light on the crumbling facades of the building; the way the police, the fire brigade, the ambulance service, the laundry service and the refuse collectors all use boats. I like people-watching on the vaporettos and in the streets, the food and the lights reflected on the waters at night. The way you can walk a little way out of the San Marco and leave much of the crowds behind. Italian ice cream. People walking into a bar and ordering grappa at 8 am and downing them as quickly as if they were an expresso. I love prosecco and fresh basil and tiny balls of mozzarella.



I love Venice.

I filled the car with petrol today. It cost me over £42. That's around $80 US. It's scary. It isn't as if I have a big car, just a medium sized saloon. Luckily it does good mileage. When I think that Phil does twice my mileage and what we must be jointly paying for petrol each month I feel ill. I'm certainly trying to drive less but public transport is both awkward and expensive for getting just about anywhere. No wonder most people drive; there is little alternative if you live outside the cities.
The weird thing is i can fly to numerous European destinations for around £45!!

http://www.raceforlifesponsorme.org/juliemann

I'm taking part in the Cancer Research UK "Race for life" on June 7th. It's my 3rd year of taking part. It's a 5km course and although I don't run (bad knees!) my friends and I aim to do it faster every year and are currently in training! The link above takes you to my personal fundraising page.

I lost a friend to ovarian cancer this year and P's auntie is currently at the last stages of lung cancer despite having not smoked for many, many years. Of course Dad died of cancer just over 11 years ago. I found out I was pregnant with S the day he died; we did the test after we came back from the hospital.

There's a great atmosphere at these women only fundraisers; lots of pink, lots of laughter, lots of enthusiasm. Participants wear pink cards on their back saying "I race for....." followed by names - sometimes there are several names. Cancer survivors also take part. You often find your eyes filling with tears as you read the names and talk to people as we all complete the course.

I had a lovely time visiting T in her new home in Leeds. S and I set out after her riding lesson, armed with my AA routeplanner directions and all went great until I got into Leeds. I somehow took a wrong turn and ended up somewhere I obviously was not meant to be! I turned the car around (it was a quiet street) and started back the way I came...only to realise it was a ONE WAY STREET and I was going the wrong way! I took a quick left turn only to find I was headed the WRONG WAY on a slip road to join a dual carriageway. At this point I stalled and screamed "Don't panic, Sian" which really meant "Don't panic, Julie!!". I headed back into Leeds central and ended up by a big car park. Rang T to see if she knew where I was but no luck. So off I head again and get on the Leeds loop road. This goes around and around the city centre. T lives near two tourist attractions and I figured they were sure to be signposted - they are signposted from MILES away!! Well, they were not! I toured my way past a hospital and the university and did several circuits of the shopping areas. It was boiling hot and I was getting worried..I managed to park in a side street in Chinatown and called T again. She suggested I ask a passer-by and I leapt out the car, spotted a parking attendant and screamed "HELP". He must have thought I was crazy!! Anyway he gave me directions (I wasn't too far away from T but just stuck in my loop!) and eventually i found the big museum near her building. T walked to meet me and directed me home! I was able to park with no problems. PHEW!!!

After that all went well. It's a great area that she's moved to and we had a lovely visit. Today we took a brief trip to IKEA which was useful as I was able to practice entering and leaving the city with T as my guide so hopefully won't get lost next time!!

Sian really enjoyed our "sleepover" at T's. We watched DVDs, visited some shops and ate way too much chocolate and junk. The drive home was fine except for heavy rain and a traffic jam. I can't wait to go again.

Now I'm off to bed.

This morning I got up early and went for a four-mile walk with three friends. We're doing a bit of training for the "Race for Life" cancer charity fundraising walk. It was a beautiful day for a country walk and we all enjoyed it. After and afternoon of ironing I went to watch S and her classmates dancing in the May around the school Maypole. There's a pic of her here in her costume. She did very well; there were no mistakes at all from any of the dancers.

I slept badly last night; thinking a lot about my brother and the way things are. I can't keep things in proportion at night.